Honest to goodness true... I want to sing.

I never really said much of Canada, expect I love that place. Now comes the dilemma... which will i choose to be my motherland come 2005?

Anyway, thank you Uncle Ron, Aunty Irene, Ryan and Milton.
We had a fantastic time.
Thank you for you patience, hospitality and accomdation.
For showering us with gifts (Think milk)
For driving us around
For letting us stay with you
For all the fun and entertainment (think PS2)

*hug*

POWER SUIT

Well babe, I'm getting me a temp job. I got 2 interviews comming up so yes beautiful! I see my career kicking of as a seafood promoter!! WOOOHOOO!

So i'm back here in singapore, being utterly discarded by the school system here and left to fumble my way around. I'm so excited...

Notes
1. Get a job.
2. Remember: 1st paycheck goes to Mum, 2nd paycheck...
3. Don't loseyour brain... i sense my grasp on intellect slowing seeping away. darn.
4. Go for lessons Singing and Dancing.
5. be financially independent.
6. Hello? God?
7. Learn to let go...

Love you all.

I'm home
... with so much undone.

Thank you, you all for worrying about me in my silence... I just couldn't get to a computer yah.

I have so much to read, so much to do, so much to accomplish... and yet, nothing.

Yeah DQ, it's the left behind feeling...

It's a disease I tell you.
And i Caught it.

Thank you...

Dennis...
For not finding anything within me to forgive...
Yet finding every reason for patience, protection and tenderness.
For 5 years of knowing,
For not taking anything for granted,
For the insight and stablilty I need.

Daryl...
For being used by God 6 years ago... even if you couldn't see how.
For allowing me a reason to be needed, even if you don't show it.
For showing me that i can love you, despite it all.

Andrea...
Yes my dear...
For making me oh so scared... and oh so secure.
For being perhaps the first person I will force myself to open up to in 5 years.
For allowing others to see your weakness... a strength i have yet to gather.
For the brains and the heart.
For showing me so many things.

Angie...
For simply being beautiful...
For being fiercly protective
Your friendship is astoundingly loyal and strong.
For being straightforward, without malice, with love.
For your understanding and naivety.

DQ...
You've done so much, more then our relationship warrents.
For being high, even when you're crushed inside.
For bringing humour to every situation.
For being gentle and kind when we needed it...
For being there.

Gladys...
For being such a big part of my secondary school life.
you have oft served as my muse in life...
You are... so big. Strong. Powerful

Joshie and Prissie
For constantly nudging me in the right direction.
For the spiritual insight.
For the encouragement...

Doc and Tess
For the fellowship.
For understanding. Understanding. Understanding.
Not being judgemental,
For being all human.

Dong...
For the unchangable.
For so much.

Cherry...
For simply being small, cute and stupid...
and simultaniously powerful, intelligent and strong.
you're my bimbo friend.

YESHUA
Fantastic.
for the fellowship, so open and simple and comfortable.
For the teaching, more then the art of performing...
Also the art of being.

The 3 tans
For being silly,
trusting,
dependent,
wild and oh so lovely.

Well, do i or do I not have the most beautiful blog in the world?

I went skiing
And Rachel was from Korea.

It was hard to do any "God" stuff here, the constant unease just somehow gets in the way of seriousness. So i spend my time watching Mil play Kingdom Heart. (seriously Booboo, you shouldn've gotten a PS2)

So i figure:

We don't need specific people.
I don't need DENNIS,
I don't need MY MOTHER...

I just need the specific relationship.
That's how my family can bunk in at my Uncle's after 6 long silent years.
That's how Ryan and sincerely hug me.
That's how Sandra and I can talk with a greater sense of warmth.

It's not because they're specifically Uncle Ron, Ryan or Sandra...
It's the fact that they're FAMILY

It's the relationship... not the person.

You'll find it again, elsewhere, given enough time.

Of course some relationships are not reproducable...
like a mum or dad... and God

I hope it's the same for you.
That 5 years and God's will...
... perfect.

UBC

Beautiful.

So i've paid for my application, gotten housing forms...

"dear God, please show me your will for my schooling in 2003"

I want to go there.

BTW. dennis, you're paranoid.

The last 10 minutes into seoul was the hardest bit of the journey.

Ouch.

It just brought out so much of me I hated. The bitchiness, the willful desire to hurt, deliberatly hack down, and the intense pleasure in doing so.

But even more so it brought me face to face with reality - that I am what i despise. (haven't i always been?)

That my disdain for weakness and need springs from fear. Fear of being weak and needy. I realise that my independency has been built upon the wrong foundation. I have placed my trust in social acceptance, in friendships, in dennis... but never in God.

"stop trusting in man, who has but breath in his nostrils, of what accout is he?"

And it simply shifts, from person to person, society to society, if I do not find it here, i will find it elsewhere... and so goes the story of my identity and self-assurance.

In these 2 weeks, removed from the pillar of my life, i will have time to reflect, seek god and pray. It was a strange journey. after living with the youths for 2 weeks, being on the plane without them was life going out without clothes. Like i expected to see shawn dangling somewhere with clara gossiping... but no. oh darn. So emotional strings cut, i'll just wait for me to come back. I canoot promise the same person, the same hannah. I'm sorry.

So no overnighter for me on chirstmas or newyear but oh well... i'll just hang in tight for me birthday...

Anyway here's to you Beautiful:

10 things to be grateful for this christmas

1. Family (in canada)
2. Snow!!
3. Ryan (he made me)
4. Yeshua
5. A 7 month break.
6. the end of all activities
7. Freedom.
8. Time to look, and think and listen.
9. A home to come home to (A place to belooongggg... that's what i long for)
10. Church.

Hello singapore!

I'm back!

Thailand was amazing. Not just the culture the people and the beauty of it all but what God did. Through us and for us.

To the Yeshuans

I love you all. You have been an amazing force since you landed in singapore on the 8th. I'd like to thank you for your fellowship, for letting us in and for allowing God to work through you. I'm so gonna miss you guys. I don't know how to express that.

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness, I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you, I want to thank you
Oh, I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
~Natalie Merchant

We've been so blessed by you.

And to Andrea

Thank you so much for your appreciation. I sometimes wonder if you realise how much your opinions matter to me. I hold your perception in high regard to my life. And I'm not sure why I do so...

So life goes on...

And I can only pray for the better. I'm used to fear - fear of myself as dennis puts it. I guess that's so, considering that you are the only one who can hurt yourself by simply choosing, by the concious or subconcious decisions we make. I can only blame myself for the mistakes that I make and for the pain that I go through.

Not to say that I'm alone. I thank God for blessing me with a wealth of relationships. ( ironical considering how i fear them ) But seriously, Thank you you lot, for being there for me, even if you didn't realise it, you were a blessing to me.

So that's the way it goes I guess, that for us as people, we are alone in causing our pain, but never alone in bearing it.

I just hope that I will not allow fear to keep me back from a fulfilling life and lifestyle. I suddenly feel free. To live again..

So i'm gonna hit the towns! Can't wait to just dangle around and chill! Come hither january!

It's amazing what camp has done.

The youth are open, spiritually emotionally and physically. (like i asked shawn if I stank and he bent over to sniff me without a second thought)
We are so much closer.
We TALK.
We WORSHIP.
Wow.. thank you God.

And to all you. Thank you. Life has been so good to me. Ever since i sorted things out and gotten back to God. Camp was revealing in so many ways. I remember. I am but human, more then that by grace.

you are a book called



what
dr. seuss book warped you?

It's been a long time.
Tired.
Tied-down.

I did 50 positive things for you guys. will keep them coming.. bleh.

This is in relataliation of BL's retort: Can YOU come up with 50 fuckin positive things about yourself?

50 positive things about myself... in no particular order

1. I am a child of God
2. I'm willing to learn
3. I am loved, no matter how undeserving of love I can be
4. I have my health
5. I have good skin (almost)
6. I am cosmetically accpetable. (despite my scoliosis)
7. I am confident of my identity
8. I have intellect...
9. ...coupled with an excitement to use it...
10. ... and opportunities to use it in my life
11. I think beyond the textbooks i pay for, and the faces i see.
12. I'm in TSD
13. I've rebuilt my life
14. I've had a rich life, all 18 years of it.
15. I know what to do with the knowledge in my life
16. I try.
17. I have music in my life
18. I have talents
19. I have the means to aquire the skills to match my talents
20. I have a bestest friend I can run to, all these 5 years
21. I am socially adequate.
22. I have a wonderful family.
23. I've learnt from my past mistakes, and from others.
24. I've learnt to trust, without an emotional attactment.
25. I've learnt to be attached, without trusting.
26. I am looked up to.
27. I am optimistic
28. I am realistic
29. I still have my faith
30. I realise that there is positivity in every negative situation.
31. I've come to accept who i am, and have realised my worth
32. I understand that I am NOT perfect
33. I understand that NO ONE is perfect
34. I understand that I am vulnerable.
35. I understand that being vulnerable is important sometimes
36. I'm a fast learner.
37. I'm unique.
38. I appreciate art.
39. I appreciate that I am a work of art.
40. I try not to take myself to seriously... or life for that matter
41. I do not live in despair.
42. I have an education.
43. I live in luxuary (relatively)
44. I use make up, though i don't need to.
45. People try to chat me up.
46. I don't need to try to be accepted. I am
47. I can present myself with dignity and grace
48. I try not to desciminate.
49. I try to love.
50. I know that such power comes not from within. But is still avaible to me.

There. Your turn babe, if not i'll do it for you.


~tori amos

I'm free. Of course it never feels as good as you imagine but I am nonetheless... ecstatic.

I'm still struggling with guilt. A guilt that gnaws every once in a while. A guilt that's not supposed to be. But it is. It's not a personal guilt, but more of a fear of social opinion, like shame, as if I'm obliged to cut even with every familar, curious face I meet on the streets. Not that they'd be interested. But I'd just hate to think of what's going on behind that "hey hannah! See you ard!" Not that it should matter to me. But it does.

Maybe I should just have more faith in humanity again. That if I do not judge, the chances are, others won't either.

It's not an outcome of a deliberate, concious action. But a need. A weak helpless cry from within, that renders us all bitches, sluts, bastards and jerks.

It's all car crashes.

Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People running
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
What does matter really?

Tell me what to believe
Won't you bring me order
Tell me what to achieve
Baby, so I can move forward
Tell me what to be
Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin', run

Credit cards in place of distress
Go live your life on the Internet
That's what this is
Conspiracies and mysteries
Science-fiction make-believe
My kind's misery

Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin'
All these car crashes in my head
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
All these car crashes
What does matter really?
All these car crashes