From Ling, my grundy muse

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No- not that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.

Now the question is... what were we hoping for at this time 2 years ago?

"so do you want me to edit it and add in a EXCEPT WHEN clause?"

We are only human. None of us can expect totality from anyone. But knowing this doesn't mean that it doesn't stab.

I pulled back the hood
and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be
a Life Long thing
but I didn't know that we
We could break a silver lining
And I'm so sad


And I'm so sad,
like a good book
I can't put this day back
A sorta fairytale... with you

Portrait of a man drowning

It's an uncanny likeness - between a drowning man and one who's waving.

But if you're buy, and you have the time, tell the Northern Lights to keep shining - Lately it seems like they're drowning"

So I went by - cause I had the time, and told the Northern Lights to keep shining they told me to tell you - they're waving

It's strange both ways. maybe nothing more then a trival matter of perception... maybe a lost chance to save a life.

She smiles and laughs all the time, but we all know that she's only suppressing the troubles inside. Poor Pam.

I love my friends.

Angie and Deb for plain ridiculousness. For the laughter, insights, sensitivity and pain, yes...

Joshua Ong Yeah i know we don't have many oppourtunities to talk cept for the bus rides home. Honestly, I love them. You're sensitivity and perception never fails to amaze me. Thank you...

Poooooowwwwwwwwwweeeerrrr Suit.

Monday 9 am.

My first legitimate Job.

Thank you God.

I'm excited. Not simply at the prospect of earning, but also to interact. The interviewers were accepting and personal. The working environment cosy and familiar. And the odd thought popped into my mind. This would be a good place to be a testimony I never thought of how i'd be bringing God into my workplace and the whole personal feel of the office just somehow felt like the perfect mission field.

So i decided that that would be what I want, though the pay isn't as attractive as the other prospects, everything else was perfect. So i prayed.

Hi may i speak to Hannah? This is Don we spoke earlier....

Are you saying I got the job?

Yes

*insert scream here.

I just pray that I won't screw it up.

Alan

He slipped me his number as he was alighting the bus... That's after tailing me for 2 bus rides.

The world isn't very sympathic is it?

Building a mystery taxi ride Give me one reason ain't no sunshine

Taxi ride
Lily is dancing on the table We've all been Pushed Too far I guess on days like this you know who your friends are Just another Dead Fag to you that's all Just another Light missing on a long taxi ride taxi ride And I'm down to Your last cigarette and this "We are one" crap as you're invading This thing you call Love - she smiles way too much but I'm glad you're on my side, sure I'm glad you're on my side still You think you deserve a trust fund Just because you Want one Sure you talk the talk when you need to I fear the whole world is starting to Believe you Just another Dead Fag to you that's all Just another Light missing in a long taxi line taxi line And I'm down to Your last cigarette and this "We are one" crap as you're invading This thing you call Love - she smiles way too much but I'm glad you're on my side, sure I'm glad you're on my side still Lily is dancing on the table We've all been pushed Too far today Even a glamorous Bitch can be in need this is where you know the Honey from the Killer Bees I'm glad you're on my side sure I'm glad you're on my side sure I'm glad you're on my side still Got a long taxi ride Got a long taxi ride

Tears

I hate crying. Hate hate hate crying.

So I don't... not often anyway

But sometimes the power granted to me is so so great, that in the midst of winning, of elation, it crushes me with fear, regret and the despairing knowledge that this is not all that i made it out to be. That we are human. So utterly not what we are. Forever changing, cursed with the fleeting, the ephemeral... Exposed to the dangers of ourselves, our circumstances and our choices...

Our choices...
Our gift and our bane.
That of all the creatures that walk this earth, only we are responsible for what we do simply because we are not bound primarily by instinct.
That what's in an animal is in a man, only this time, deemed damning.
That is the price for our higher existance. For having a greater sense, and a greater purpose for...

love

This thing you call love, she smiles way too much .... but...

That's my lot, that's my place of contentment... and contention.

I only have to understand the notion of responsiblity, disappointment, and being alone.

Honest to goodness true... I want to sing.

I never really said much of Canada, expect I love that place. Now comes the dilemma... which will i choose to be my motherland come 2005?

Anyway, thank you Uncle Ron, Aunty Irene, Ryan and Milton.
We had a fantastic time.
Thank you for you patience, hospitality and accomdation.
For showering us with gifts (Think milk)
For driving us around
For letting us stay with you
For all the fun and entertainment (think PS2)

*hug*

POWER SUIT

Well babe, I'm getting me a temp job. I got 2 interviews comming up so yes beautiful! I see my career kicking of as a seafood promoter!! WOOOHOOO!

So i'm back here in singapore, being utterly discarded by the school system here and left to fumble my way around. I'm so excited...

Notes
1. Get a job.
2. Remember: 1st paycheck goes to Mum, 2nd paycheck...
3. Don't loseyour brain... i sense my grasp on intellect slowing seeping away. darn.
4. Go for lessons Singing and Dancing.
5. be financially independent.
6. Hello? God?
7. Learn to let go...

Love you all.

I'm home
... with so much undone.

Thank you, you all for worrying about me in my silence... I just couldn't get to a computer yah.

I have so much to read, so much to do, so much to accomplish... and yet, nothing.

Yeah DQ, it's the left behind feeling...

It's a disease I tell you.
And i Caught it.

Thank you...

Dennis...
For not finding anything within me to forgive...
Yet finding every reason for patience, protection and tenderness.
For 5 years of knowing,
For not taking anything for granted,
For the insight and stablilty I need.

Daryl...
For being used by God 6 years ago... even if you couldn't see how.
For allowing me a reason to be needed, even if you don't show it.
For showing me that i can love you, despite it all.

Andrea...
Yes my dear...
For making me oh so scared... and oh so secure.
For being perhaps the first person I will force myself to open up to in 5 years.
For allowing others to see your weakness... a strength i have yet to gather.
For the brains and the heart.
For showing me so many things.

Angie...
For simply being beautiful...
For being fiercly protective
Your friendship is astoundingly loyal and strong.
For being straightforward, without malice, with love.
For your understanding and naivety.

DQ...
You've done so much, more then our relationship warrents.
For being high, even when you're crushed inside.
For bringing humour to every situation.
For being gentle and kind when we needed it...
For being there.

Gladys...
For being such a big part of my secondary school life.
you have oft served as my muse in life...
You are... so big. Strong. Powerful

Joshie and Prissie
For constantly nudging me in the right direction.
For the spiritual insight.
For the encouragement...

Doc and Tess
For the fellowship.
For understanding. Understanding. Understanding.
Not being judgemental,
For being all human.

Dong...
For the unchangable.
For so much.

Cherry...
For simply being small, cute and stupid...
and simultaniously powerful, intelligent and strong.
you're my bimbo friend.

YESHUA
Fantastic.
for the fellowship, so open and simple and comfortable.
For the teaching, more then the art of performing...
Also the art of being.

The 3 tans
For being silly,
trusting,
dependent,
wild and oh so lovely.

Well, do i or do I not have the most beautiful blog in the world?

I went skiing
And Rachel was from Korea.

It was hard to do any "God" stuff here, the constant unease just somehow gets in the way of seriousness. So i spend my time watching Mil play Kingdom Heart. (seriously Booboo, you shouldn've gotten a PS2)

So i figure:

We don't need specific people.
I don't need DENNIS,
I don't need MY MOTHER...

I just need the specific relationship.
That's how my family can bunk in at my Uncle's after 6 long silent years.
That's how Ryan and sincerely hug me.
That's how Sandra and I can talk with a greater sense of warmth.

It's not because they're specifically Uncle Ron, Ryan or Sandra...
It's the fact that they're FAMILY

It's the relationship... not the person.

You'll find it again, elsewhere, given enough time.

Of course some relationships are not reproducable...
like a mum or dad... and God

I hope it's the same for you.
That 5 years and God's will...
... perfect.

UBC

Beautiful.

So i've paid for my application, gotten housing forms...

"dear God, please show me your will for my schooling in 2003"

I want to go there.

BTW. dennis, you're paranoid.

The last 10 minutes into seoul was the hardest bit of the journey.

Ouch.

It just brought out so much of me I hated. The bitchiness, the willful desire to hurt, deliberatly hack down, and the intense pleasure in doing so.

But even more so it brought me face to face with reality - that I am what i despise. (haven't i always been?)

That my disdain for weakness and need springs from fear. Fear of being weak and needy. I realise that my independency has been built upon the wrong foundation. I have placed my trust in social acceptance, in friendships, in dennis... but never in God.

"stop trusting in man, who has but breath in his nostrils, of what accout is he?"

And it simply shifts, from person to person, society to society, if I do not find it here, i will find it elsewhere... and so goes the story of my identity and self-assurance.

In these 2 weeks, removed from the pillar of my life, i will have time to reflect, seek god and pray. It was a strange journey. after living with the youths for 2 weeks, being on the plane without them was life going out without clothes. Like i expected to see shawn dangling somewhere with clara gossiping... but no. oh darn. So emotional strings cut, i'll just wait for me to come back. I canoot promise the same person, the same hannah. I'm sorry.

So no overnighter for me on chirstmas or newyear but oh well... i'll just hang in tight for me birthday...

Anyway here's to you Beautiful:

10 things to be grateful for this christmas

1. Family (in canada)
2. Snow!!
3. Ryan (he made me)
4. Yeshua
5. A 7 month break.
6. the end of all activities
7. Freedom.
8. Time to look, and think and listen.
9. A home to come home to (A place to belooongggg... that's what i long for)
10. Church.

Hello singapore!

I'm back!

Thailand was amazing. Not just the culture the people and the beauty of it all but what God did. Through us and for us.

To the Yeshuans

I love you all. You have been an amazing force since you landed in singapore on the 8th. I'd like to thank you for your fellowship, for letting us in and for allowing God to work through you. I'm so gonna miss you guys. I don't know how to express that.

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness, I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you, I want to thank you
Oh, I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
~Natalie Merchant

We've been so blessed by you.

And to Andrea

Thank you so much for your appreciation. I sometimes wonder if you realise how much your opinions matter to me. I hold your perception in high regard to my life. And I'm not sure why I do so...

So life goes on...

And I can only pray for the better. I'm used to fear - fear of myself as dennis puts it. I guess that's so, considering that you are the only one who can hurt yourself by simply choosing, by the concious or subconcious decisions we make. I can only blame myself for the mistakes that I make and for the pain that I go through.

Not to say that I'm alone. I thank God for blessing me with a wealth of relationships. ( ironical considering how i fear them ) But seriously, Thank you you lot, for being there for me, even if you didn't realise it, you were a blessing to me.

So that's the way it goes I guess, that for us as people, we are alone in causing our pain, but never alone in bearing it.

I just hope that I will not allow fear to keep me back from a fulfilling life and lifestyle. I suddenly feel free. To live again..

So i'm gonna hit the towns! Can't wait to just dangle around and chill! Come hither january!

It's amazing what camp has done.

The youth are open, spiritually emotionally and physically. (like i asked shawn if I stank and he bent over to sniff me without a second thought)
We are so much closer.
We TALK.
We WORSHIP.
Wow.. thank you God.

And to all you. Thank you. Life has been so good to me. Ever since i sorted things out and gotten back to God. Camp was revealing in so many ways. I remember. I am but human, more then that by grace.

you are a book called



what
dr. seuss book warped you?