Deep inside this armor... the warrior is a child

I really love Daniel, and i'm just so glad that after 18 years of sibling strife, we've finally formed a bond beyond blood.

So life has taken an upturn... all the way since my A levels ended. It's as if God is telling me, time to get this right now.
So relationships have solidified, some have dissolved... but all for the better in everything i see His hand.

He has blessed the work of my hands. Despite doing nothing but telemarketing (which may I add has to be the no-brainer job of the year), my boss is (somehow) impressed, though I don't think I've done anything to warrent that. But thank you God.

So work has been going my way, I got my pay, my hours, my scope. Perfect.

You said ask and I'll give the nations to you

And Dennis, I love you.

I'm dead tired.. the smoke is really getting to me. That's it, once i get my teaching license i'm outta there.

But on the whole today went well, the people i call, being teachers are markedly more pleasent then the general populous i guess so that's a plus point.

I got my pay confirmed.

Now i just have to tell them that I can't do saturdays....

anything...

I'm just so so tired..

ACTIVE PRIMARY MATHS

... it's math. without the 's'.

I'm so grumpy... that's the result of doing nothing but fiddle with kids software... like "help junior collect the correct answers. Watch out for the scary monsters!" and the entire place reeks of cigarette smoke.

I'm the only female,
I'm the only non-smoker,
I'm the youngest,
I'm the only chistian I think...

They're nice friendly people, but in a rather fallen way.

I need to discuss my salary?
yeah, you wanted 800 right?
Yah but the ad did state 6 -7 per hour
Well, we're flexible, if you want 800 that's fine too.
I'm flexible to, to 6 -7 dollars.
Fine, it will be $6 an hour.

My only hope is that i can trust them on that one.

My prayer

Contentment in my job, I was placed here for a reason.
A vision beyond my pay.
To seek first the kingdom of God and his rightousness.
To be a good testimony.
For the work of my hands to be a blessing to my community.
Strength (especially for my lungs)
Confidence and capability...

... and all these things will be given unto you.
And i'm so picky about the pay... ack...

Reading back to my previous entries, i know that i was hoping for too much... really, everything is fine.. it's just the smoke... I need healthy lungs...

Hold me

I'm still tired after yesterday... I'm now scared... somehow very scared.

It's time to let you go.

You've done so much in your own little way, shown so much - in terms of love, wisdom, frailty and loss.
I see through you, that even the strongest and hardest can need so much
This journey with you has renewed my strength and confidence - in myself, in humanity and most importantly, in relationships.

I'm almost afraid to accout for my loss.

Thank you for the laughter, self-irony and enouragement
Thank you for being who you are to me,

And for letting Him use you
... despite what you think you are.

Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me
Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you
don't tell me why
nothing is good enough
Hey little girl would you like some candy
your momma said that it's OK
The door is open come on outside
no I can't come out today
it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground
who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone
and I don't understand
you deserve so much more than this
So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you
don't tell me why
he's never been there for you
don't you know that why
is simply not good enough
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough...

And i have the sense to recognise.... that i don't know how to let you go.
~sarah
From me to you.

Broken trinity
It's been too long.
I've been too far.
I'm not sure if I know what to do anymore...

But hold on to the hope in my heart that 4 years cannot die so easily though fingers contiunally grapple with me, and a voice saying... you never were

Forgiven

We twist and turn where angels burn
Like fallen soldiers we will learn
That once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you

Only time.

Superhero

Only you saw me through this day, and I know you will see me through the next.

Seek first the kingdom of God and His rightousness and all these things will be given unto you.

My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
~sarah

From Ling, my grundy muse

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No- not that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.

Now the question is... what were we hoping for at this time 2 years ago?

"so do you want me to edit it and add in a EXCEPT WHEN clause?"

We are only human. None of us can expect totality from anyone. But knowing this doesn't mean that it doesn't stab.

I pulled back the hood
and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be
a Life Long thing
but I didn't know that we
We could break a silver lining
And I'm so sad


And I'm so sad,
like a good book
I can't put this day back
A sorta fairytale... with you

Portrait of a man drowning

It's an uncanny likeness - between a drowning man and one who's waving.

But if you're buy, and you have the time, tell the Northern Lights to keep shining - Lately it seems like they're drowning"

So I went by - cause I had the time, and told the Northern Lights to keep shining they told me to tell you - they're waving

It's strange both ways. maybe nothing more then a trival matter of perception... maybe a lost chance to save a life.

She smiles and laughs all the time, but we all know that she's only suppressing the troubles inside. Poor Pam.

I love my friends.

Angie and Deb for plain ridiculousness. For the laughter, insights, sensitivity and pain, yes...

Joshua Ong Yeah i know we don't have many oppourtunities to talk cept for the bus rides home. Honestly, I love them. You're sensitivity and perception never fails to amaze me. Thank you...

Poooooowwwwwwwwwweeeerrrr Suit.

Monday 9 am.

My first legitimate Job.

Thank you God.

I'm excited. Not simply at the prospect of earning, but also to interact. The interviewers were accepting and personal. The working environment cosy and familiar. And the odd thought popped into my mind. This would be a good place to be a testimony I never thought of how i'd be bringing God into my workplace and the whole personal feel of the office just somehow felt like the perfect mission field.

So i decided that that would be what I want, though the pay isn't as attractive as the other prospects, everything else was perfect. So i prayed.

Hi may i speak to Hannah? This is Don we spoke earlier....

Are you saying I got the job?

Yes

*insert scream here.

I just pray that I won't screw it up.

Alan

He slipped me his number as he was alighting the bus... That's after tailing me for 2 bus rides.

The world isn't very sympathic is it?

Building a mystery taxi ride Give me one reason ain't no sunshine

Taxi ride
Lily is dancing on the table We've all been Pushed Too far I guess on days like this you know who your friends are Just another Dead Fag to you that's all Just another Light missing on a long taxi ride taxi ride And I'm down to Your last cigarette and this "We are one" crap as you're invading This thing you call Love - she smiles way too much but I'm glad you're on my side, sure I'm glad you're on my side still You think you deserve a trust fund Just because you Want one Sure you talk the talk when you need to I fear the whole world is starting to Believe you Just another Dead Fag to you that's all Just another Light missing in a long taxi line taxi line And I'm down to Your last cigarette and this "We are one" crap as you're invading This thing you call Love - she smiles way too much but I'm glad you're on my side, sure I'm glad you're on my side still Lily is dancing on the table We've all been pushed Too far today Even a glamorous Bitch can be in need this is where you know the Honey from the Killer Bees I'm glad you're on my side sure I'm glad you're on my side sure I'm glad you're on my side still Got a long taxi ride Got a long taxi ride

Tears

I hate crying. Hate hate hate crying.

So I don't... not often anyway

But sometimes the power granted to me is so so great, that in the midst of winning, of elation, it crushes me with fear, regret and the despairing knowledge that this is not all that i made it out to be. That we are human. So utterly not what we are. Forever changing, cursed with the fleeting, the ephemeral... Exposed to the dangers of ourselves, our circumstances and our choices...

Our choices...
Our gift and our bane.
That of all the creatures that walk this earth, only we are responsible for what we do simply because we are not bound primarily by instinct.
That what's in an animal is in a man, only this time, deemed damning.
That is the price for our higher existance. For having a greater sense, and a greater purpose for...

love

This thing you call love, she smiles way too much .... but...

That's my lot, that's my place of contentment... and contention.

I only have to understand the notion of responsiblity, disappointment, and being alone.

Honest to goodness true... I want to sing.

I never really said much of Canada, expect I love that place. Now comes the dilemma... which will i choose to be my motherland come 2005?

Anyway, thank you Uncle Ron, Aunty Irene, Ryan and Milton.
We had a fantastic time.
Thank you for you patience, hospitality and accomdation.
For showering us with gifts (Think milk)
For driving us around
For letting us stay with you
For all the fun and entertainment (think PS2)

*hug*

POWER SUIT

Well babe, I'm getting me a temp job. I got 2 interviews comming up so yes beautiful! I see my career kicking of as a seafood promoter!! WOOOHOOO!

So i'm back here in singapore, being utterly discarded by the school system here and left to fumble my way around. I'm so excited...

Notes
1. Get a job.
2. Remember: 1st paycheck goes to Mum, 2nd paycheck...
3. Don't loseyour brain... i sense my grasp on intellect slowing seeping away. darn.
4. Go for lessons Singing and Dancing.
5. be financially independent.
6. Hello? God?
7. Learn to let go...

Love you all.

I'm home
... with so much undone.

Thank you, you all for worrying about me in my silence... I just couldn't get to a computer yah.

I have so much to read, so much to do, so much to accomplish... and yet, nothing.

Yeah DQ, it's the left behind feeling...

It's a disease I tell you.
And i Caught it.

Thank you...

Dennis...
For not finding anything within me to forgive...
Yet finding every reason for patience, protection and tenderness.
For 5 years of knowing,
For not taking anything for granted,
For the insight and stablilty I need.

Daryl...
For being used by God 6 years ago... even if you couldn't see how.
For allowing me a reason to be needed, even if you don't show it.
For showing me that i can love you, despite it all.

Andrea...
Yes my dear...
For making me oh so scared... and oh so secure.
For being perhaps the first person I will force myself to open up to in 5 years.
For allowing others to see your weakness... a strength i have yet to gather.
For the brains and the heart.
For showing me so many things.

Angie...
For simply being beautiful...
For being fiercly protective
Your friendship is astoundingly loyal and strong.
For being straightforward, without malice, with love.
For your understanding and naivety.

DQ...
You've done so much, more then our relationship warrents.
For being high, even when you're crushed inside.
For bringing humour to every situation.
For being gentle and kind when we needed it...
For being there.

Gladys...
For being such a big part of my secondary school life.
you have oft served as my muse in life...
You are... so big. Strong. Powerful

Joshie and Prissie
For constantly nudging me in the right direction.
For the spiritual insight.
For the encouragement...

Doc and Tess
For the fellowship.
For understanding. Understanding. Understanding.
Not being judgemental,
For being all human.

Dong...
For the unchangable.
For so much.

Cherry...
For simply being small, cute and stupid...
and simultaniously powerful, intelligent and strong.
you're my bimbo friend.

YESHUA
Fantastic.
for the fellowship, so open and simple and comfortable.
For the teaching, more then the art of performing...
Also the art of being.

The 3 tans
For being silly,
trusting,
dependent,
wild and oh so lovely.