Exhausted. I really should go sleep now. But I'm playing with MGI photosuite.
My newer friend.

Oh well.

I wonder. Do people realise that reactions are bred of past experiences and inner desparations.
Maybe I could start to be more forgiving and to realise that.
And not expect that in return.

Samsung

I've got a new friend. Well, he's been around for quite sometime. It's just that i haven't really noticed him till now.


Probably the sweetest thing one could see when you're running late for a meeting on a hot afternoon.

So my entire day was documented on my new found friend.

Scenes from a bus



Roads are such pretty things!





On my way to CBC



At CBC



Yes this is the guy who has no sense of creativity.
Let's watch the flowers grow.


In Q's car




S-11




1 Green pink soda bag.
1 Elle paris pouch
1 lip balm
1 hand mirror
1 pen shoppe brush
1 plato's Republic
1 note book
1 pencil case
1 wallet
1 handphone
2 keys
5 packets of tissue

This was our song. At least for my imaginary you.
It still hurts a tad bit, juxtaposing then and what's to be.

It's amazing
how you make your face just like a wall
how you take your heart and turn it off
how I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
how just one move puts me by myself
there you go just trusting someone else
now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not saying
there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying
we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
straight out from underneath
then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out

It's aggravating
how you threw me on
and you tore me out
how your good intentions turn to doubt
the way you needed time to sort it out

Tell me is that how it's going to end
when you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
and the one you're leaving out
...

And I'm worried I'll be singing this again over the course of 3 years.

So anyway, we like had this awesome time in church jamming and rolling around laughing and stuff. Being stupid to the high heavens.

Beanie caps
Push ups
Punk worship
$2 Chicken rice
Grooving the chinese way
One leg!!" in the lift

... Celebration of life.

I'm in love. with Life, with God, with the YF, with friends... so beautiful.

Count your blessings

Dennis
Your beauty and grace astounds me, beyond anything I've ever seen in anyone else. Thank you for the support you've shown me, for knowing just how and when to do what. You know me to my innermost being, sometimes even to where I'm afraid to look. For seeing the human in me and relating to me in that very same way. For giving me space to breathe to grow and to love you. For simply standing there, being an anchor while I flutter off in a hundred different directions. For being selflessly loving, and not taking note of it. For the humor you paint in my life, and the support you grant me.

You're amazing.

Becky
You're growing more and more beautiful each day. Somehow.
Being squished side by side everyday in the missions trip forged a tiny bit of friendship that is becoming more and more precious as the weeks go by. The girly talks and jokes, giggles and photos. Small gestures often over-looked before now stand out like colours on gray scale. Thank you for sharing that little part of your life with me, for letting me in, for taking 969 rides with me home.

Joshua
Message me when you get back.
Solid. Yet similiarly tender.
You probably don't know how much you've ministered to me by allowing me into your life. Thank you, for walks in the park, for going the pavillion pamphlets, for the worship ministry. For being transparently flawed and beautifully human. You give me a chance to be human too. I don't know what I would do with out you.

Joshie
You.
For dinner.
For the SMSes and ICQ messages.
For the insight.
For the laughter.
For the support. (a whole lot by the way)
For the cold intellect and the warm heart.
For the co-responsibility of CGLism.
For the burdens that are impressed upon your heart.
For letting me be a friend.
For letting me know you more.
For being a thought facilitator.
For reassuring me.
For standing firmly for what you belive.
For your subtle strength...
... and unexpected humour.
I've always had reserved respect for you. Being so solid and sound, lightyears away from my own nature, yet you let me find a way to work with you, turning differences into strengths and new experiences. I've grown so much over the last year. We make a great team! In and out of CG. And sometimes, I wish you get as much from me as I do from you.

Ian
Eh. 4 years of hellish laughther.
I don't know with who else I would end up dangling on one leg from the elevator bars in church. Or actually enjoy techno with. Or maybe do some punk-worship. You're a giant ball of giggles.
I love you anyhow.

Canada
Relationships
Girls
Myself
Failures
Social perceptions
Growing old
Loneliness
Humiliation
Mistakes
Losing things
Anger
Being Wrong
Being Corrected
Cockroaches
Fatigue
Heights
Suffocating
Scary Movies
Rejection
Darkness
2.4 km runs
People
Auditions
Tests of capability

Just a couple of things I'm scared off.

She's back.





I need to snap out of this.

Doesn't mean much, doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me is a cold room.

Not yet anyway...
Is devastating, to reach a point where I want to leave so as to push all these failed relationships out of the picture.
Only that they aren't really failed, I just perceive them to be.
It's my perceptive I need to push out...
I'll be carrying my demons around for sometime.

I've crossed the last line, from where I can't return,
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me.
And led me from my home

Anyway from all that I know.
Had God given us everything we wanted and asked for, had he removed all our trials the moment we prayed for delieverance, we would not understand the extent of his faithfulness.
We probably wouldn't know Him at all.

A sense of betrayal... personal expectations.
Of course there is no betrayal in such faith, fool...
If you can't see His hand, trust His heart.
Take me to lose all expectations and to have faith, simply.
Lest I cross the last line once again.

You take me in no questions asked
You stripped away the ugliness that surrounds me

Replicated over and over again in my earthly relationships. Only that I do not trust these reflections as much as I should.
Have more faith in humanity Hannah...
The price of self-dependency - fear, trepidation, and ultimately, hollowness.

Who are you?
Are you an angel? Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I don't disappoint you
When I'm down here on my knees

Extreme.
That I would have such high regard for anyone I respect.
That I would end up disappointing the expectations I have projected that they have upon me.
Everyone is an extension of myself - my desires, my sense, my will.
Hideous.

And I don't understand how by the touch of your hand,
I would be the one to fall.

Always, and it's my fault.
They don't darn know it.
The effect I have upon myself.
They're all... facilitators sadly, not real entities.
In effect, I touch myself.

I miss the little things, I miss everything
about you.

Always.
You live in the past Hannah, you have to learn to let go.

Sweet Sweet Surrender...
Is all that I have to...

Not just yet.
maybe

And I fear, I have nothing to give
And I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better then to fall
And I fear, I have nothing to give.

Somehow, this is more real to me then ever before.

I've come to the root of my vice - Fear
Of not being good enough,
Of being scorned
Of being turned away
Of being rediculed
Of being unloved
Of myself.

Of being weak.

I fear what I am.

I guess it's a start. I'm learning. Thank you God for so many things.

The bible says in revelations "Blessed is he who overcomes" and if we are going to be overcomers, we'd better have something to overcome.

Amen?
Amen.

I'm back, to MY reality.

The trip was amazing really.
Refreshing spiritually yet heart-breaking.

The philippines
Beauty in pain.
An opening of my heart.
My eyes.

A calling?

The team
Struggle.
Awesome bonds built.
A tiny triumph in a big battle.
I hope it stops there.

I'm off to the philippines world.
want anything?

I can't write anymore.
My imagination has left me.
I'm stuck on buses now with boredom or books.
Left in the stink of my inertia.

I'm off to the philippines God.
want anything?

Oh that I could give you back the world.
That I could make that darn "tick-tock" song come true.
That I could just give and not lose.

Then i would take away the colour in the world, make void the human spirit, take away beauty with the pain, remove the meaning of existance, make redundent everything God has done.

In a way perhaps, such is needed for the finite to have a glimpse of what we are otherwise too pathetic to comprehend. It's all about the human experience. God reaches us in a divinely human way. From pain rises glory, from blackness appreciation of white. It's all within the human experience. thank god he knows that.

Don't fret.

Remembering

Scarlet Petaled flower
Even if you were to fade away
Tomorrow would still come
Though never the same as yesterday.

I faded away and things changed.
I dream in fear and you in pain.

it's because of what you went through that you are what you are today.
I can't blot it out. erase it. ignore it.
I have to learn to accept and move on.
To allow that to become a part of me. Naturally.
Maybe it's time to make peace.