But I swear in the days still left...
We will walk in fields of Gold

Painful as it is, sometimes the beauty lies in it being ephermeral.

"You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold"

Fields of Gold ~ Sting

An empty rage

I realise that there are many sensations I miss: The feeling of being comfortable in your own skin, Of having more space then just a little room, of shorts and tanktops...

"I had a dream I was your hero"
Of being needed, and sharing that.
Of just being at peace within a relationship of honesty and comfort.
It just isn't too nice not having that level of mutal trust that you used to have.

"Just open up I'm gonna come inside I wanna fill you up I wanna make you cry..."
I miss being powerful and vulnerable at the same time, all tightly wrapped up in a little ball of trust, peppered with affection, laughter, fun a pinch of disagreement, delievered with ease please.

"This monkey can't stand to see you black and blue"
Puppy or no.
Yeah I can't. Not anyone. All too beautiful.
I just really want to make it alright for people. Especially the sincere and true, which I believe entails everyone.
But really, for the conciously hurting and lonely.

"And I return as chained and bound to you"
I would do anything really. for affection.
How female.
But there's this little girl inside that just yearns for a lot, for when I was fifteen and had that little delusional relationship with a non-existant individual. But it would have been beautiful.
Today, at twenty, though I don't respond to her, she's still there, tugging at my hand, head, heart.

"Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm

I am everything

Tonight I'll be your mother
I will do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed"

The biggest promises made, the greatest strength conjured, sometimes comes from the weakest, most vulnerable of hearts.



Lyrics:
Damn I wish I was your Lover
Sophie B hawkins

Oh yeah, one more thing while you're at your life.
Don't leave me behind.
Please.

Have faith

I love easily. But rarely am I ever swept away.
But when God decides to pick you up and slap you, you'd be crazy to resist.

Honestly, 24 hours before the retreat, i was less then eager to participate. Had I not been on the planning com i wouldn't have gone, I would've backed out on grounds of Food poisoning and hibernated.

Fear as usual. Right up to the moment before going to the gym.

"Do you wanna play?"
"heh I would play yeah, if they weren't so big. You see in singapore the guys are half the size of the guys here so I don't get trampled to death when I DO play."
"Uh... no... do you want to PRAY?"

I'd known you for less then 4 hours, and you minstered to me in God-inspired ways.
Now how crazy is that?

All the more, I understand that just because I'm asian, doesn't necessarily mean that people see me as any... less. That we were meant to be colour-blind. That true power comes from God. That it doesn't matter how well or how long you have known that person, it's who that person knows...

And Silence. Beauty. Joy.
Fear has no ground.

But at the same time, I sense weight of the ugliness of it all is crushing, horrifying and almost damning.
Thank God for grace, solace

and new mornings


Snow to walk through everytime you need to go to the washroom. Groovy


Lessons. all 36 of them


Individuals who only bathe once during the weekend, who juggle, trumpet, one-mouth-drum, double knot their laces, game, and who have the same interest for CS Lewis, Donne, and George W. Smith as you. Glam.


Well, I guess it would be nice...

Pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pary pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray.

Just a few things on my to-do list.

I realise that fear is the devil's greatest weapon against me.

So yes, beneath it all, the smiles, the conversation, the pictures and paintings,

we are all the same.

And even though the brokenness really gets to me, I start to realise that as bad as things might get, they ultimately don't matter.

I hunger

And it's done me good.
This has a wonderful way of just getting your focus right and really kicking you into shape.

"makes you wonder: if I can give this up, what else can I do without? and it's alot"
~ Sarah

And yeah it is alot, somethings just start to lose their grip on you and you start to feel that yeah, maybe I don't have to be dependent on relationships, or on image, or on grades, or on anything other then God.

And there's a bounce in my step, not something that's heady and fluffy, but a serious kind of joy? One that's deliberate, carefully thought over and decided upon. Something that lasts for more then a moment or a night and that doesn't leave a hangover. One that comes from reflection, peace and contentment.

Not to say that all my troubles are over. Hell no, but they've taken on a fresh perspective, been reorganized and lifted. Like if I grew a few inches taller, i'm sure the world would be a very different place.

Womanning a booth

Post-modernist.modernist.Thinker.Feeler.Reason.Or no.Names.God.Culture.Countries.Truth.

I am human.

And very very unalone.

Part of my reluctancy springs from the fact that it isn't true and heartfelt.
I've never been more aware of my visibility and colour.

Anyway the NUS exchange students just landed in my caf today, and it was sheer bliss to hear the heavy accents and to indulge in dorky humour again. So beautiful.
We'll see.

...granted...
I do like you. Maybe.

Still amazed, still learning, still me.

I realise the worst relationship you could have with someone is when you know the person without knowing him.
Like a neighbour, or someone down the street.
You want to say hi, but you're not really sure. Not quite there yet.

I'll be back in society tomorrow.

We're all exactly the same I realise. Same thoughts, feelings, reactions and processes.
It's just the packaging that gets in the way.

But even so, being infinite wouldn't really help at all.
All you need is love: in it's strictest, purest sense.

Then maybe, walking out of my door wouldn't be so hard.

There was an ice hockey game on TV while I was fixing dinner in the lounge today. My floormate was rooting for Calgary in the game between Calgary and Vancouver but I didn't really care. Maybe if it were soccer or netball or something closer to home I might've cared a tad bit more. This just wasn't my culture.

Then some bloke on TV started singing O Canada.
It was the first time I heard the Canadain National Anthem.
Legalisitcally, my anthem.

Only then did it dawn upon me, the weight of my decision to come. That if I wanted, this land could be mine as much as Singapore is. That technically this land was mine by birthright, and more so then if I had simply migrated here

I'll be 20 in a few days time, 21 soon enough.

So, what will it be?