And for me, sheer fascination is not enough

I had a CNY dinner till late last night at Lougheed Wonton Restraunt. I woke up with my soul suspended somewhere between power and powerlessness, dream and reality.

It's an awkward feeling, being birthed.
The coming out of a wet, warm delicious womb,
Feeling it violently slide away from your skin, being sacrificed.
And the cold thin air, reaching out to receive you.
For that one moment, you're really not sure of where you are or what to make of it all.
Your muscles controt instinctually,
Siezures of fear, cold, joy and freshness take you by the hand and tango you around the hospital room.
Rocking from hand to hand, that intense moment of who you are escalates to a lungful cry...

and then....
... consciousness

Of course, I had to be a C-section birth.

"What is your blog for?"

selfish enterprise.
A desperate cry for recognition...
...attention...
...affection...
To say things that my barriers will not permit me to.
Self-discovery,
self-display

But really really really... to let the world know that there's more to me than that.
And there is, I just can't really say it.

And i realise that I duplicate the fault. I've gotten comfortable in my assumtions on people, based on my limited knowledge of them. But there are so many stories to tell, so many facets hidden, I feel foolish realizing that I actually thought them to be so simple.

"They're all so beautiful"
And as much as I am a person of practicality, I realise that by loving, I fear losing.
It's strange feeling this way,

Maybe this is what healing feels like.

When you see me here, in all my undignity and clutter and shame,
Without a song in my bubble or grace in my line
Will you still love me?

When you see me here, removed from that pocket of reality,
Without the ease in my smile or silver in my voice
Will you sill love me?

When you see me here, with everyone else,
Without everyone else.

I'm staying here.

Flowers in the window

K. A passionate life.
H. A passionate soul.

Then again. It's all about the people. the person. the heart. the soul.

It's amazing how 2 hours can shape you as a person. How a simple decision changes a lot of things.
"yes"
"ok"
"I'd like that"
bang

And i'm constantly being blown away by that.
Having conversation with someone is always an amazing experience. The worlds unfolded, the maps charted, the beings created extend beyond anything mankind has ever achieved.

I will never unlock the depths of human experience. I will never understand the human heart, mind, soul or anything. I'm too small and it's too big. It probably isn't for me. But I do know that it is for me to love, to live and to be, and I am very contented with that. I am constantly discovering how broken, helpless and pained we all are, and yes despite all that, how beautiful each and every person is.... no matter who you are.

It's unbelievable how self-absorbed as a species we can be. How set on conquering and controlling we are. Perhaps the greatest powers are bred in quiet humility. That in reaching out and honestly loving, you achieve the greatest, reach the furtherest and overcome the biggest.

Man has reached the moon, I'd rather reach for honey milk tea.

And yes, despite all this, I'll stand by my claim that I am a practical person.
What could be more practical then influencing the forces that have a hold on the very core of your being?

The most amazing thing Canada has done is to make me Chinese.

"i've never associated you with anything other than who i've discovered you to be through getting to know you"
~ Seth

How then can you not believe in angels?

Man... it's easy to get lost out here

Whoops!

...

In retrospect on my previous post:

There are no auditions in relationships, but that doesn't garuntee a natural engagement.

Everyone has something to offer in any production, and sometimes, it's to be an audience.

And that's beautiful too, in an introspective, quiet, observing way.

I hate audtions.

It's alright to just be good at something and to simply enjoy the gifts. But when faced with the prospect of someone telling you that "you know, you aren't really that good". Then what?

Now that, I cannot face.

Only I forget that among hearts and people, there are no auditions.

Walk in.
Love.
Move.
Touch.
Listen.
Heal.
Engage.
Change.
Deliver.

It's like any art: in need of honesty, vulnerability and passion.

Third-Culture Kids

"So seriously, which country do you identify yourself with?"

"It depends... on who I'm talking to."

Yeah I see a little of that in me.

It's been a while

It's been 6 years, and I think that I am finally ready to have normal healthly honest friendships again. I'd like to say that I'm in control and that I totally know where I'm heading and what I'm doing, but I don't.

Sometimes, that's a good thing.

I've been deadly sick for the past 2 days. Sicker then I've never been since I had that 40 degree temp when I was 10. And yes the very first thought, or the constant thought, on my mind in my state of delirum was "I WANT MY MUMMY". It was just miserable to be stuck in that dhingy little hole in the darkness, being unable to move, with no concept of what was going on. I just really wanted to be back in singapore, in my well circulated room with an entire family to pamper you. I just really wanted some homecooked chicken soup, carrot and potatoe soup, Water Cress soup, soft fluffy rice, porriage, black sauce salmon, steam fish, Xiao Kai Lan, Herbal Chicken Soup...

Ah well, thank God for Shu and prayer.