I looked at myself in the mirror today whilst changing and noticed the little curves of fat smiling from above the elastic band of my underwear. Non-offensive, non-obtrustive just puffy and soft. New-comers. They definately weren't there before. My jeans still fit though a little more snug. My shirts are a little tighter and I am on the whole chubbier. They worry me somewhat, not that I'm pulling a code red on this but i just feel a little snowballish. Ah well...

Pudgey is cute
:: glen ::

Yes. And we are beautiful people Mr. Two-dimensional.

There are some things that we're not.
And when we do realise what these things are, denial is not an option.

Time to open your eyes and run.
Think beyond yourself, be others-centered
See beyond the words to the speaker.

I've cultivated this annoying habit of feeling more then listening. When someone speaks, I spend more energy figuring out who they are, where they come from and why. This isn't bad in itself, in fact I find it enables me to get to places most don't tread. But what happens is that what is being said loses importance. Words are no longer ends in themselves but mediums, little messengers of a deeper messege, their shape really being the form of their speaker.

So I go, being oh so personal and sensitive and a wonderful confident. But in the end I feel like I'm moving in a totally different sphere from everyone else. I see, I hear, I touch, I engage, I understand, I love. But in order to do all that, I feel like I've pushed myself out of the atmosphere and into an infinity of possibilities. No rootedness, no self-centered belief on how things should be, how people should react, no stability on my defination.

I want to connect with people on my terms.

Deeper

I want someone to not just listen, but to understand. MY defination of understand.

Deeper

I want to know who I am, and to have no doubt of my self.

Deeper

I need to do my Quiet time. I need God.

That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists in simply shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind
~ Mere Chiristianity :: CS Lewis
(Thanks Robby)

And this is precisely what I struggle with now.
I want to be selfish and demand a bit of space for me when I darn well know that the greatest freedom I've ever tasted was with God.
I want to be powerful again, bitchy, aloof, cold, hurtful, malicious, manipulative, intimidating... Hannah.

Please don't say "I know".
I can't even say that wrt myself.

We could taste heaven perfectly

I went to U vic for the weekend and a little bit of monday. Let's go from the inside out:

Day One :: 14 Feb 2004

Shu and I took 3 buses to get to the ferry terminal. Thank you God for Ericsonofchuck and Kazim, wonderful people who made sure we got to the right place at the right time.

Also thank you God for Corey.
Beautiful grade 10 student who was spreading a little love on V-day, in the form of candy hearts.


I was warned about the dreadful weather during this time of the year.
Now, isn't God faithful?


Had coffee at starbucks, Walked around town


Did the asian tourist thing


Went to U Vic, Chilled in Robby's room


Partied it up with peanut butter and jazz


Marveled at the diversity of God's creation


Day Two :: 15 Feb 2004

Woke up nice and early, floor was wonderously comfy.

Went to Beacon Hill Park... beach?


Have i said that God was great about the weather?


T'was a dangerious road...


...With many battles fought...


...and things to see


Old spaghetti factory. fight club. and... conversation.

Day Three :: 16 Feb 2004

The rest of the gang came over.
Beacan Hill Park.

Adrian found his calling


Ran into curt on the bus home. Stunned.

~OVER~

Now... inside.

I left victoria very very changed. I can barely begin to pen it down and even starting to try seems rather ludicrious. During Robby's 19th C art hist lecture and my mind just wrestled with all the pressure from within and without. What am I do to with all this?

Ferry scribbles

IDEAS

.I am Hannah's elated ambition.

Goals...
* Shave head

* Travel -> (Live once in okanagen, europe, Australia, Asia - Thailand?)

* Work, pay off tuition fees (ie be financially self-sufficient)

* live

* travel -> find someone to do that with

* Do theatre

* Travel

Healer

Be rational
Write in Pencil, & have an eraser at hand
Love soulitude -> Abandon
Be centered
Make time for art
Eat Healthy (For Good, not glory)
Have Godly relationships

Give-up
- pretention
- Superficiality
- fear
- self-absorbtion
- self-sufficiency

~end~

Well now. I think my struggle lies in the knowledge that I might not be called to lead a normal stable life. Teaching english in some obscure part of china is still an option, along with being a missionary to Nigeria, or being a thespian in Singapore, or maybe... a fruit-picker in Summerland.

Where God calls, he equips to follow.
Now I just need the sensitivity to listen and the nerve to drop everything and run.

Of course right now the direction which his hand points towards is that of my sociology research paper and geography lab report... which isn't a problem...

What happens when summer comes?

BTW robby, you have no idea how you have influenced me
See you in heaven.

Love Actually

It's valentines day, and Love is All around.

I was going to post a whole lot of pictures of beautiful people but I realised that no composition would capture anything.

Movies.
Photos.
Touching.
Carrying.
Coffee.
Listening.
Giggling.
Apple Crumble.
Dancing.
Crossing streets.
Lingering.
Hugs.
Bussing.
Salmon Salads.
Affection.
Being musical.
Tickling.
Talking.
Being.

Love

It is actually all around. God is omnipresent isn't he?

After recovering from the shock of this alien layout, please be informed that by sheer stupidity, I accidentally deleted my template. I will not be updating till I get this fixed, and this will give me a good chance to actually study for the Geography midterm that's coming up.

In marxist terms. I feel estranged from my posts.

I should be back next week, if I don't commit suicide.

No, seriously. God does have a sense of humour.

I need sponsors for the Navigators work day.
I need 200 dollars, but i'm scared stiff at the prospect of asking people to donate.
I need love.
I need faith.
I need action.

Gah.

Covenent House

and me

Falling in love with a flawless shooting star, sailing across the sun, dancing along the light of day, being swept away by the wind, awed by venus...

holds no weight here in the atmosphere.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . .

No, i didn't miss you while i was looking for myself down here,
I missed me.

It isn't easy undoing 5 years of habit.

Grant me

Patience.
Strength.
Peace.
Even though... (espcially since)... I simply fail to grasp the point.

Seriously, what's the point of turning twenty?
~ Dennis

There's only so much you can gain from watching the world through the windows of a rented car.


Times like this, I wonder why didn't I just stay in safe NUS, and what's the point of getting out if I'm staying in a cradle?

In all seriousness

Hi. meet Jesus.
The answer to all your insecurites, restlessness and discontentment.

For the past few days i've been depressed, a bit off balance and discontented.
I've been overwhelmed by how wonderful, amazing and beautiful people are and well, misplaced my center.
Because of this... um... I start desiring to give myself and to just delve in fellowship.
Then i start grappling for acceptance and then i start placing my worth in that...
Then i lose myself, slip fall die.
Gah... it's a slow climb to the top.

hallmark moment

Light up my life









Meet Plant, Snuggling down, freshly rehydrated, with a good book.


Meet wonderful people


BTW, thanks for the sock.