How Beautiful.

"the tender eyes,
That choose to forgive and never despise"

Lord, make me pure and holy, ever dependent on you, and reliant on your grace.

-edit. Thursday. 6.05pm-

'No matter how scared I am, I know I'm safe tonight.'

Bah. Am I?

Land me like dynamite, please.

Deep breath. I can do this.

Postmoderism...

Hurts a lot.

It sits around and sees the other schools of thought yelling from behind each indivdual lense.
Then she peers carefully, and understands that she's behind her own lense.

No one can say that they know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
But one can always endeavour to understand.

Beautiful one.

I can't hack into your account. So i'm putting this up here.

I was in the WC in Regent college when it struck me: You have been singularly supportive of me. Since TKGS, it seems that with me, you have always been concerned about my well-being and happiness. Who I dated, what they did to me and who they were always incited either shared glee or ferocious protectivness. Yeah totally. I'll hold your hand. Chem class or no.

20 things I love about you (beautiful)

1. You're funny. You always make me laugh.
2. You're insecure and you let me know
3. You make so much sense!
4. You don't sometimes
5. You love fiercely. Very intensly. I can feel it a mile away
6. You stand up for your rights. We need a little bit of You in all of us.
7. I've acutally watched you grow!
8. You are stronger then you realise
9. I don't feel any less close to you despite being 1000 km away.
10. You are natural.
11. You have a brillaint mind.
12. You take good care of yourself, and translate that to care for other people.
13. You aren't hypocritical.
14. You make friends so easily. Mind you, I'm not an easily friendable person. You got past all that.
15. You are comfortable when you can.
16. You know how to get things done.
17. You aren't afraid to speak your mind.
18. You speak in Love. Relationships are important to you.
19. I feel safe with you.
20. You're beautiful.

Bright are the stars that shine.

I don't have much to say. But silences and distance really don't matter.

"My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest"
The Good-morrow ~ Donne

Lord, capture me, and draw me in.

Today I re-learnt the virture of here and now, of catching the moment and savouring the sensation. I focused on being alive, on being frustrated with my term paper and allowing myself to fade into beer and pasta. I was sensitive to my needs and had a good 8 hour rest at night. and I intend on having another 8 tonight. I am interested with my area of study and am engaged with it personally, absorbing it into my life and being. I am breaking my walls and building relationships, being safe while being vulnerable, being loved and loving. I danced this evening, into endless blue eyes that reflected the ablilty to surmount the impossible. I surmounted the impossible. We went on a journey today.

"We'll need hope, and faith, and the goodness of grace.
We'll need you to let us go our way"
Go ~ Plumb

Lord, be here in the center of my life. Move powerfully through my being and spread out to the world around me. Inward, upward, outward. Bless my relationships and the work of my hands, that people would know that You are Lord. Let me rest in you. Amen.

Pray.

Got heart? Got mind?

Got soul.

Give me a reason to stay here.
I've got too many to count.

Thursdays are good days. This Thursday was particularly good. I did well for my econ mid-term, had a good poli sci class, a good discussion on 'The Clash of Civilizations' with my poli sci classmate. A great talk on legalising marijuana. lunch. study. dinner with triad. prayer. giggling.

Greg.
Has MS.
Couldn't sit still throughout the talk.
Is beautiful.
Is alive.
tries hard to be understood.
Is old enough to make his own decisions.
Has a beautiful partner.
Is suffering.
Needs Pot.
Has been on pot since he was 13.
Is human.
Impacted me.
Has a point.

Legalise Marijuana. And everything else too, so says DJ. Put all the money into education instead. Let's be really liberal and allow people to make decisions for themselves. If we wanted to be really paternalistic, It would probably be a better deal of a parent to let his kids go, while equipping them with the right tools to make wise choices.
Of course this would only work in Canada. Singapore should just keep gum banned.

Pidgeons and the Crumbs
I was in North America today, in the West. Sitting on a bench outside the SUB, lunching on pepperoni pizza, Basking in the sun in 10 degree weather. Feeding pidgeons with the dispensible crust of my meal, watching students hussle by adorned with academic halos, soaking in life, with an American Liberal.

It was just like the movies. Only true.

Truth.
I will not endevour to be anything else other then truth.
I desire to project myself as I really am.
Transparent.
Honest.
True.

So we sit in the darkness of a blackout, opposing ends. Studying each other's features in the gentle precious light that slipped though the open door of the hallway. Nothing else to do, nothing that could be done. People jostling around the interior dark, screaming jumping loud along the lit stairwell. Nothing else to do, nothing that could be done.

So we sit in the darkness of a black out, opposing ends. Saying nothing, nothing needing to be said but insteading, knowing, sensing, feeling, drinking. Alive, organic and wild. The energy escalates to reality beyond understanding yet beyond doubt. Nothing else to do, everything being done. Alive, organic and wild.

Being in the presence of God, such that we do not need to speak but only enjoy, that is the ultimate fulfilment. Being still, knowing that He is God, and letting Him be lover of your soul. Alive organic and wild. Dancing, sharing, touching, loving. Not father and child, nor faithful lover to faithless wife, nor provider nor friend. But in that moment, lover. Nothing else to do, everything being done, by Christ on the Cross.

Overcome.

Reality is sharper, more acute, focused and intense. Life is shifting into a different perspective. Change is good.

But I will keep watching myself. There are some bits of me that I feel are important to retain.

School is going to kill me. I know it.

I can't quite articulate more, but life is nothing short of amazing.

I've figured out why I have a tendency to shut myself up in my room.

I have issues with myself, It's hard living with myself sometimes. And I think that's my motive for wanting to be alone sometimes. I don't want to get in the way. If I get in the way of myself, let alone other people...

Now I would then have to consciously counter that. I am not praying that this weakness would leave me. Rather, I'm praying that I will be able to overcome that.

I found this while sifting though the history of my blog.

1 MINUTE AGO: Chatting on MSN
1 HOUR AGO: working on Arts One Culture and Humanity Essay
1 DAY AGO: Lunch at Pastor Teo's place
1 WEEK AGO: Struggling
1 YEAR AGO: VJC, Singapore, being young
1 YEAR FROM NOW: Still UBC I hope
1 WEEK FROM NOW: Adjustment
1 DAY FROM NOW: Arts one Lecture.
1 HOUR FROM NOW: Pray
1 MINUTE FROM NOW: Is now.
I HURT: Kenley physically now and then
I LOVE: My life
I HATE: being unaware
I FEAR: fear.
I HOPE: That things can only get better
I FEEL: Pretty (sung)
I HIDE: from myself
I DRIVE: Kenley insane
I MISS: Singapore
I NEED: Affection
I THINK: But may not be.

Today, however, i'm pretty sure things have changed.

1 MINUTE AGO: Warming up Dinner
1 HOUR AGO: Talking deeply with Curtis
1 DAY AGO: Cherry Orhard Make-up meeting, Hanging out with Seth, Nav Meeting
1 WEEK AGO: Thanks-giving Holiday!
1 YEAR AGO: UBC, Canada, being young
1 YEAR FROM NOW: Still UBC I hope, IR. With relationships
1 WEEK FROM NOW: Decide on the Nav Leaders Summit
1 DAY FROM NOW: Studying
1 HOUR FROM NOW: Ditto
1 MINUTE FROM NOW: Keep eating, and blogging
I HURT: Myself with my insecurity
I LOVE: You.
I HATE: being unaware
I FEAR: Being overwhelmed
I HOPE: that things will last.
I FEEL: Intense
I HIDE: Behind my altruistic interest in you.
I DRIVE: myself up the wall.
I MISS: Strolling
I NEED: God's strength
I THINK: differently.