I'll be away on a sunny island at a sexy beach resort for the next 4 days spa-ing it up. Hopefully it will rejuvenate my mind and grant me clarity and direction. No no, only Jesus does that, but I wonder if you can find God in aromatherapy essential oils. I'll bring my bible, bring my heart and a cranium-craming book on postmodernism.

Meet me there: Kima Bajo Resort

In the spirit of filthy decadence, I am thinking that I am the luckiest little shit in town. I have everything that one could ask for. It's summer, and I'm left with good grades, a job, a fat bank account, a free 4-day trip down to Kima Bajo, free yoga stuff, free yoga classes, free bags, the perfect swim suits for outrages prices, home cooked food, a great family, an 'internship' with TAGS and a chance to give a workshop on stage management and makeup back in VJ.

*satisfaction*

almost.

"Love seeketh not itself to please,

Nor for itself hath any care,

But for another gives its ease,

And builds a heaven in hell's despair."

So sung a little clod of clay,

Trodden with the cattle's feet;

But a pebble of the brook

Warbled out these meters meet:

"Love seeketh only Self to please,

To bind another to its delight,

Joys in another's loss of ease,

And builds a hell in heaven's despite."

Dear Lord,

make me a clod,

at the rate I'm going,

I'm going to be a bitter piece of pebble when the day is done.

It's all or nothing.

Truth and consequences will take you for a ride.

Make your choice.

As angeline says, things aren't as complicated. And I realise that I don't have to realise that much and it really doesn't matter. Nobody really gives a damn unless it affects their lives, and it just so happens that relationships affect lives more then anything else.

The catch is, they don't have to.

7 years or 7 weeks... whatever.

Just let me live and let live.

At least we have a God that allows us to yell at him.

I've had my fun, Baby I'm done...

Not at all. It's good to be back and to see old things new. It's strange to be a stranger to the familar. It's strange when home decides to look at you differently. A lot of things running though my mind and I feel like my arms aren't long enough to wrap myself nicely around these... issues.

It just confirms that a moment of truth is exactly that. A moment.
It's probably not going to remain true forever, not tomorrow, not 2 or 8 months later.
And seriously, we're all guilty of this.

Just that, as Curtis says, "this is a story you're living, and I want you to live it well."

What's going on?

Please let me come home.

I'm back. In hot demand and in love.
Missing people back home and generally feeling very torn.
Where am I, who am I.

Blah. lets just keep going.

I'm covered with bruises. I realise that skateboarding has taken a greater toil on my body then I realise. But it was worth it and it was good.

I'm covered with bruises. I realise that me dating him has taken a greater toil on my life then I realise. But it was worth it and it was good.

I feel let down in grace. I guess I cannot expect the same level of magnamity from someone who has a completely different world view. Grace commanded by love looks very different when compared to a person living for himself. Grace didn't exist between us for the past 3 days.

But above all, I've learnt to love despite. The entire world (myself included) tells me to stop in my tracks and to meet each tooth and eye with just deserts. Thank you Lord, for the command to love. I would be so lost without it.

In retrospect, I discover that letting go was very easy becuase I quickly learnt that what we had wasn't built on truth, that half the whispered promises and declarations had no basis, and that as in love as I was, it just wasn't enough. I am headed for so much more.

I'm perfectly happy to extend as much love as I can, within the boundaries of being an ex-girlfriend. It hurts to see rejection and disdain in a person's attitude but that really isn't my problem. My first instinct is to blurt out harsh observations hurtfully, with the intent to wound. I instead find within broken myself the desire and ability to let it go. I understand that it has nothing to do with my person, my worth and my identity. I'm learning to live with the fact that people are people and that they react in certain ways. I'm not denying that I'm hurt and angry, but I've been told to Love, and Love I will.

And the most amazing thing is that I think I have really learnt what it means to love, and how to go about doing it.


EDIT:
Oops. God has funny ways of revealing truths and reminding us that not everything is as it seems.

Sweetness.

I'm back from manitoba.
I fell in love.

I learned how to skateboard on tuesday, and by thursday, I was attempting the halfpipe.
"You've got more balls then a lot of guys I know"
~ Brennan (Awesome man-mountain that taught me to skate).

Shared my life with Konrad, with whom I skated with and had a pudding eating competition.
Drooled over Aaron's film software, and watched him snort jello up his nose.
Giggled with Rebecca, a lot.
Discovered that I had more relationships then i realised.

Then Jesus came walking by. Be stopped by where I was seated and said: Drop your nets and fallow me.

So I did.

Antwhere, anytime, anyplace, anyone.... any price. Here's my life. Send me.
I think this is the begining of a new era, one where I am dead to myself and live solely for the person of christ.

On the way home, I sat next to 22-year-old Rob, whom I fell in love with too. He's a homeless man who sells dope for a living, steals boats to pretend that he's a pirate, dreams of climbing mount everest, has 666 tattooed on his right arm and a cobra on the other. He spoke of peace and freedom, that which he searches for, the samuri swords he's wielded, the bullet his friend took for him and compared the prison conditions in B.C. and Ontario. I told him about Jesus, prayed that he would find his lost luggage and meditated on his presence. At Golden, the Navigators gave him a care-package. Considering he was lost, without his luggage, in the mountains, with no one to call, with no money to live on. He didn't seem to mind much, he's a tough Guy. But well, I hope to run into him when i get back in july. I will prowl downtown vancouver, looking for the familar lip-ring.

Over the course of this year, I became an adult.

And I love you, I love you, I love you...
like never before.

Tonight's the last night that I will sleep in my bed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that. I am feeling the mad panic rise in me, then I will live in a nomadic life for 2 weeks before going back to Singapore.

Packing's been a blur. Rediscovering. Late night conversations till 6 am. Dealing with and letting go. Meeting Amy, staring at familiar strangers, and strange family. Hard and fast relationships, and then the walls. Walls and rafts. Who I am and Home.

Shhh.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this year and for your blessing. Thank you for this Utopian existance that you have bestowed upon the 8 of us. Lord you are here and you are Good. I bless your name. There's great pain in leaving, and I have to admit that I haven't handled it well at all. I have to learn balance, moderation, sensibility and pacing in my life. But God, there is always room for grace. For now father, I commit this family into your hands. We will no longer be together like this, ever. We have just started to know each other but we've reached the end. We will drift apart and forget many things. And this is perfectly ok. I've done my reeling and ranting, and I'd like to believe that I can finally move on. Just... please... dear God... keep them.

I have made this my home.
And the great wordless pain here reveals the value of the past year.
I can barely breathe.

Linger

I've started packing since my finals are all over. They went well. God is good. But for flashes in time, I almost wish they'd never end. I have finally fallen in love with my living situation and packing to move out -forever- is tantamout to torture. I walk around the quad dragging my emotions behind me, screaming and kicking. I don't want to leave.

At the same time, I can't wait to leave. To be back in Singapore where things are familiar and make sense. To see old familiar faces and to show them how much more I am. Beauty abounds. To see my mummy, daddy and brother all over again and to live with them. God has blessed me with such a good easy life, what am I and what do I have now to serve?

Then I can't wait to move into the basement, MY place for once, for maybe 2 years or so. We'll see.

I look back at my second year in university and I have to admit that it has been THE best year of my life thus far. I can't say that I felt happy more often, but when I did. Boy was I happy. Similarly, when I faced emotional issues, boy were they issues. To a certain degree, I recognise how these issues got in the way of living, but well, it's a struggle. Thank you Angie, for contantly reminding me of what i remind you.

So much to let go off, and so much to move on to. I'm at the stormiest, most intense period of my life, with much to feel, live and express. I am the flashy billboard that rises against the placid blue sky that tells you what to buy to be ME. Where I am now is the epitome of vibrancy and action. I am alive.

I'm in love, and subsequently, in pain.
What will I do without you?