All that you can't leave behind.
U2 provides my worship songs, my philosophy in life and my muse.
My medium of expression, of release and refocusing.

I realise I spend way too much time in my head playing scenarios, dreaming of the future and altering reality.

I might be going insane.

It's also a thought that Changed the world

In the wisdom of my father:

Somethings are better left unsaid.

So despite beliving in transparency, I also believe in truth. Truth that engages and acknowledges the worth and beauty of the individual. There's time to transparency and there's grace. And maybe, just maybe, I'll experience the beauty and goodness of it all, and not just theorise about it.

So for now, I will struggle with my thoughts and secret conversations. Bite my tongue and keep my teeth in. Only when I finally do not feel the need to talk this way, will I
Be
Free.

She travels outside Of karma, karma She travels outside Of karma

Indeed, I can live without all this.

I've had a tiring day/week/month/year, and I'm all prepared to go to bed/scream out loud/go on a holiday/jump off the roof. But there are small things that make me smile/get me through/make it ok/make life amazing. I just wish, as Vivek keeps pointing out, that I could make them last.

---
TSD once again speaks truth into my life:

Blanche regretfully blames herself for driving her husband to suicide by cruelly rejecting him - at another dance casino:

"I killed him. One night, we drove out to a place called Moon Lake Casino. We danced the Varsouviana! Suddenly in the middle of the dance floor, the boy I had married broke away from me and ran out of the casino. A few minutes later - a shot! (A distant shot sounds) I ran - all did - all ran and gathered about the terrible thing at the edge of the lake. He stuck a revolver into his mouth and fired. It was because, on the dance floor, unable to stop myself I said - 'You're weak! I've lost respect for you! I despise you!"

Walk humbly Hannah.

Me, Myself and I

ENFJ: The Giver

You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.
Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.

Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.

You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.
---
In other news...

ENFP: The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Amen. I got into IR.
Soon, I will be relating internationally.
---
1) Has to be a disciple, not just a christian.
2) Has to complement my skills (or lack there of)
3) Has to have the same life Goal
4) Has to be Global in effectiveness, not just open.
5) Has to have music in his veins
6) at least an AY from now.

I'll be free.

I've been having wonderful talks with my juniors at VJC. Chris Goh, Shaun...
Man is life ever beautiful.

I've also got a story to tell, I'm just too tired to put it up now.
Soon.

Today, Paul suggested that I be honest.
And I'd love to be.
Only, I don't trust myself to be kind and loving.

So I will wait for a while, let the Holy Spirit marinate me, and maybe (just maybe ahhh..) we'll get somewhere.

I've Tried

But it's one missed step, one slip, before you know it.

Nope. No more. No way.
I believe the decision has been made for me.
Mel was right, maybe just leaving things allows the natural processes to take over and to sort things out. Maybe all issues have an internal sorting-out device built in. Or maybe it's just the passage of time that sweeps everything away into eventuality.

And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.

So here's what's happened. And if it isn't going to be as I think it will be, the consequences sure as hell are irreversible. But this is final, for sure, definate. We take our lives into our hands, and our decisions have consequences.

I hope we can learn to live with ourselves.

Last night I found my self in Night, watching Shawn and Rohana be the Old Man and Old Woman from 'The Chairs'. Amidst the chatter about how to further the techniques of acting and movement, I found myself with the strangely familar.

Of two people, together, alone on an island, in a tower, for slow, long, aged years.
Of adsurbism, circles and bondage.
Of love and repulsion, sickness and darling.
Of Waiting.

This is not right.
Given half the chance I'd put a knife in your back and walk away. Breathe our last breath and decide to let the future rush in without even the scent of you. I look at myself and wonder if I need patience and long-suffering, or if I just simply need to wake up to the coffee and keep walking.

I can do either, it's just the wondering wandering process that gnaws at me.
Hurry up and show me what to do.

---

In the mean time, I love my job at the Yoga center. I come anytime, I leave anytime, I eat for however long, and do as much yoga as I want. I just wonder if I'm getting paid.

Ha, oh well.

Gage

It's funny how 'home' transitions.
I am home now, but in moments when nostalgia brings me back to 3 months ago, and I become 3 months younger, I yearn for the home that was you.

This makes me brave.
It means that I'll be ok, wherever, whenever.

---

I am happy when I do yoga. To feel my God-given body being pushed further into wholeness, to be relaxed into plup. I feel like I'm exploring this whole new physical universe which is me. I do think God intended us to be more aware of our bodies. And this has just been awesome.

I understand that a lot of christians have issues with the concept of Yoga, it being spiritual and having its roots in hinduism.

I understand the need for caution.

But taking thing into broad historical context here, everything is spritual and has it's roots in paganism. Who came up with the dichotomy of spiritual and non-spiritual anyway? Are we not all under the creation of One God? The spiritul and physical are all interconnected. And so I wouldn't use the excuse that yoga isn't spiritual becuase it IS. So is everything else. But likewise I do not ascribe to the notion that because it has it's roots in Hinduism, it is inappropriate (read: bad) for me to engage in this art form.

Well, if that were true, then christians should by no means engage in theatre of any form. After all, theatre was first and foremost a form of worship to the Greek pantheon. A ritual performed at the festival of Dionysis before the drunken orgy commenced. And stay away especially from masks of any kind, since masks were first used to represent gods, ensuring that the wrath of the real gods would not fall upon the actor.

Also, we should shy away from rock music of anykind. After all, rock and roll had it's roots in sex and drugs. God forbid that we engage in anything related to such decadence. Perhaps we shouldn't listen to groups such as hillsongs, Thirdday, DC talk...

And while we're at it, lets stay away from the Book of Genesis as well. Why, most of it's stories are adaptaions of surrounding mesopotamian myth that pre-existed long before the nation of Israel was called. Noah came from Atrahasis, The Ten commandments seem to be a watered down from of Hamurabi's Law... why even the creation story in Chapter one echos Enumah Elish, the creation epic that talks of Tiamat and Apsu, with Murduk (the Babylonian Deity) coming to power over the Gods.

Oh well... in the spirit of Romans 14, let us just worship and live.

---

I think I'm learning how to live again.
But decisions will have to be made, maybe Dogville style, but what must be done will be done.

Good night world.

I'm going to be quiet for a while. The noise in my head gets to me.

Have a nice life.