meep.

I have chalked up $30 in library fines this term.
I am highly resenting this.

Resent.

today. was very strange indeed.

Surfice it to say, I had a strange day. From mourning for the state of the church, and then being introduced to 7 new people over span of 20 minutes, to peeling a hardboiled egg in class (for someone else), forgetting some joke I had made (in obsession) a year ago and to unveiling the distance between the poli sci and commerce world view. My fortune cookie told me that a man with brown eyes will give me a surprise. Tony fits the bill, and he scares me all the time.

I have also learnt that I need to slow down whenever I'm on an adrenaline rush. That I am resistant enough to fight inertia when tumbling down the hill of activity. Also, you can only meet God in the present, so i've got to stop living in Singapore or Commerical Drive.

But here.

Love.

Roles and relationships.

The link is tighter then I like.

I have found that the greatest power lies in not being good at what you do, but in your ability to define what you do. What good is it to be good at something if someone else can define it to be meaningless?

Fish

Drunk with my biblestudy gourp, I think i foun my nirvana in Moby and Pale ale. Never had a perfect moment. Al;ways tried too hard to the point of removing myself from it all. but today, with the crowd and th ebeer, i found the perfect moment.

Oh, and we watched harry pooter, and i'm sure that I only like it cos he reminds me of my brpther.
You have friends here.

yeah.

Inspiration

There's a lot of that floating around these days.

Here we are now, going to the east side, I pick up my friends and we start to ride. Ride all night, we ride all day, some may come and some may stay. Here we are now going to the west side. Weapons in hand as we go for a ride, some may come and some may stay watching out for a sunny day where there�s Love. Here we are now going to the north side I look at my friends as they start to ride. Ride at night we ride all day looking out for a sunny day. Here we are now going to the south side. I pick up my friends and we hope we won�t die. Ride at night, ride through heaven and hell, come back and feel so well.

"You are a king, then!" said Pilate.
Jesus answered, "You are right in saying I am a king. In fact, for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me."
"What is truth?" Pilate asked. With this he went out again to the Jews and said, "I find no basis for a charge against him..."

~John 18:37-38

When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. "I am innocent of this man's blood," he said. "It is your responsibility!"

~Matt 27:24

What is truth?
Here in the year 33 A.D, Pilate articulates the sin that plagues humanity.

And from the abdication of knowledge comes the abdication of responsibility. And then nothing works, righteousness slides and dissolves into a murky grey. But the point isn't about the standards, or the rules or the attainment of holiness. But of life, functionablity and authenticity.

You cannot be if you have nothing to stand on.
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Plasticity and fakeness isn't just skin deep. Sometimes it permeates every cell in your body, it is who you are.

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And then I realise that I am not the healthy well adjusted kid I thought I was. I do not play well in groups.

All things go, all things go

Forgive my absolutism, but some things (i.e. life) function without any exceptions, with no room for relativism or conditionality. But here we are, in the midst of destruction and creation, trying as far as we might to be perfect little beings.

You came to take us, to recreate us.

"So that's $12 right?"
"... No. You told me ten..."

Oppenheimer park has got to be the most unglamourous place in Vancouver. But for me, the sun has never been more kind, or the people more real. The place reflected the people, with layers of litter and broken bits of everything entrenched in the soil. It would take more then an afternoon and three garbage pickers to make a start.

But for me, life has never been more true.

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land

I realise that judgement is a very personal thing. It shouldn't affect the object of judgement but rather, the subject who judges. For if you judge, you will be judged in the same way.

It's another from of solipsism, of only seeing yourself and hence being blind. Navel gazing doesn't allow for much of a picture, save for a navel. But to be oblivious, and yet utterly aware, of yourself and your actions, the perhaps judgement will cease.

I made a lot of mistakes, in my mind, in my mind...

Now you see it... now you don't.

Swiftly gone. I miss the way my laughter made you laugh. It was a simple gift to give. And every now and then I think back to those moments and grieve their passing, like flowers in fall. It's spring now, and things are anew with the Sakura trees popping pink in delight. But each moment is ephemeral and is subject to the ceaseless cycles of growth.

And though it wasn't intentional. Things disappear into thin air, as if objects in a magic trick.

The world's getting clearer
so wait for me, this time.

Things are starting to make sense again, falling neatly into place.
But sense isn't always nice and easy.

So yesterday I spoke with Dong for the first time in 3 years. This blog was actually the direct product of our break up and I guess he has shaped me in more ways then I'd like to admit. But I am very pleased to see where we both are now, individually and with respect to each other.

good to be in talking terms with old friends again, now to start talking to dennis

mother.. i dated dong for 16 months, and it took me 3 years to heal. i dated dennis for 7 years, do the math.

it's not about the math, it's about moving on...

Mothers are wise.

But still, math does count.