I'm off to Bowen Island for the next three days.
I don't seek to find anything, because life is built on the moments we never thought would happen.
Reacting to those moments isn't a discipline of what one knows, but ultimately on who one is.

We spend so much time in school learning how to do things, that we rarely meditate on becoming who we should be. And only when we learn how to lower our wings, will the true exchange on beings come to pass.

So I'm going away, in a bid to come back stronger.

I have left and am still tired of being gone.

It doesn't matter anymore

The truth of a person doesn't lie in who he/she is right now, but it is the sum of all their parts. Maybe this is the frustration of remaining unknown, in that to be truely known -and loved- you need to have your history, as well as your future known as much as your present is.

I am who I am, and there is only one other I AM who can accept that.
No one else is obligated to do so.

Eventually you just let the stone fall...

And becuase we're human, the closest we can come to knowing is journeying. The mutual process of becoming together. Of deciding to love each other, baselessly, senselessly, irrationally and yet reverantly, in the light of the Cross.

But because we're finite, some journeys never come to being.
And lets not be fooled. These failed relationships are the product of our own choices.
We will stories to unfold and beings to come into existance. Unless we fall into Sin, and our will dissolves into flesh.

And that's all we're left with.

I dreamed that I saw you, you were down at the corner store. You were flipping though magazines and you flew out the door. I tried to wave to you but you wouldn't wave back. Now you know I understand that you're with me, only in the past.

Mel yells at me, and Tom thinks me crazy for still being hung up over Dennis.
Even Mother thinks that I should get over it at the drop of a hat.

I still have dreams - Writhing in cruel hostility, yearning and bitterness.

My palms are not open,
They're closed.
They're closed.

Sin. Is paralysing.
And while the paralysis holds hostage most of the soul, the redemption process has been started at the Cross.

Now where does that leave us, with the past?
Sweet memories, in the context of truth.

Colours streak the sky we laugh and we cry
And we dance in the cool grass with the fireflies
And we dance in the cool grass sunset birds
Sweet sweet music swallow our words

You set sail and you left this town
Run away, run away, you're so far from me now

So far from me now

Only In the Past ~ Be Good Tanyas

Muhammad my Friend
Teach me how to love my brothers who don't know the law.

Becareful of what you wish for

I find myself asking for more pain. I guess that that's not the right thing to ask for, even though I understand suffering to be one of the most effective ways to find yourself humbled, kneeling at the feet of God. I guess asking for pain would be quite ridiculous. God is a God of truth, and while the truth hurts, it isn't pain in itself.

So, I need to get myself straight and while seeking freedom, it should be freedom FOR Christ, as opposed to mere freedom FROM pain.

Yes Sarah, it really is about will.
O how sacred!

Here's a post for MajorTom. One that he will *finally* understand:

Thank you buddy, for being a great friend.
I really appreciate your presence in my life.

Modernitiy's idol is security.
When we are secure, we no longer need God.
Lord, keep me insecure.

Rhetoric meets reality.

I had a hard day. It hurt.

But it fits in so beautifully with the dying thoughts that unfolded in my mind while I listened to Hannah bubble-bathing one wall away. If health isn't the absence of pain, but rather having the spiritual and emotional capacity to deal with pain, then our prayers should follow suit.

Should we not pray for the strength to deal with life? Instead of praying that life will be delivered to us easily?

We pray for things to happen to us, or for things to not happen to us. We pray for good weather, good grades, a good time and a happy home. We are passive prayer-mongers, following rule and rote. But where is God's heart?

What is God really interested in? I have found the Christian story to be one centered around internal change, the renewal of mind and redemption of soul. I would feign want to work against the will of God, so why do I pray otherwise? Why do I pray for ease when it is comfort that leads to no good? The easy life is alien to the Christian as the Christian is alien to the world. We will receive blessings no doubt, and comfort of course, but to seek such as an ends in themselves, with no eschatology in sight is to slight the purpose and perfect will of God.

The journey to the cross wasn't an easy one. And if we are called to be crucified alongside Christ, I am starting to think that our daily crucifixion shouldn't be centered around prayers for happy events and easy days, but rather, for the uncompromisable change in the self.

God isn't interested in what happens to you, in so much as he is interested in you happening.

SUCK IT

The slipping out of neatly labeled boxes always unnerves people, when will we learn to stop trying to understand reality as opposed to live it? And while I have to say that I am utterly disappointed to see most people around me struggling to scoop up unruly reality and reinforce these boxes, I strongly urge that we run rather to embrace the messy mass of truth that comes flooding out uncontrolably from sheer being.

The best you can do is to fake it... stupid girl.

So while not giving up on growth, I am considering refusing to be artifically polite. To dissolve the painted faces to give light to flesh. So I will make you awkward. I will not attempt to be who you think I am. I will not watch my words, I will not watch my social roles, but I will keep my eyes on Jesus.

Give me Jesus. You can have all in this world, give me Jesus.

I also am understanding that I am depressed.
But only for now.

SICK

I am so unhealthy.
Not just physically, but everythingly.

Health not being without pain, but rather, having the spiritual, emotional depth and community bonds to deal with pain.

I am starting to realise, that unacceptance is starting to bug me less.
And while this is an eager sign of growth, it still is dissettling.

So I am what I am, and there is only one other I am who can accept me fully.
No one else is obligated to do so.

Thank God.