"Did you always know?"
"Know? Oh no, I never knew. But I always believed"

~ Dialogue between Oracle and the Architect in the Matrix III

Let us be aware of where we stand in this world, that while knowledge implies authority and power, and ultimately trust in the self and its aquired knowledge, belief entails humble faith and depends on the existance of external factors and beings.

And in my world (as I am starting to note that my world isn't necessarily congruent with the world at large), without the power of institutional mass to back you up on conventional religious opinion, you'd have no choice but to live according to conviction Then you'll start to question what's worth being convicted by (and in my opinion, there are a lot other things more pertinent in the world today then issues of creationism, homosexuality and swearing. Things like, apathy, isolation and hunger to name a few).

No, you don't bloody know that God created the world in 6 days, you can only resign yourself to believing it. And while you do, remember that it is but the mere product of your own historicity and social context, and that truth is measured and experienced in infinitely different ways. As God is infinite. So let's not be arrogant, and live with conviction and self-awareness in what we believe. And let's try not to piss of the rest of the world while we're at it.

In other news, I suddenly want to be a hippie.
Bring on the reusable sanitary products.

Cool:

1) Traversing thoughout town with Angie as she finds cool finds. Pastry and Tea at some attas bakery (not breadtalk), dinner and ice-cream with Belmont. Laughing with her all the way.

2) Such Great Heights done by Iron and Wine.

Uncool:

1) Delusional dream-chasing.

2) The annoying survey guy who not only insisted on me doing a survey 2 days ago at Jurong East station (trailing me halfway through the MRT station) despite me incessantly pushing him away, who had the nerve to chirp his pathetic friendly banter as I furiously filled in the stupid form, who messages me at 11.30, asking me how my weekend was. Not only was that the most harrassing survey ever, it came along with the most harassing surveyer.

I want to harass him back and make him nervous and uncomfortable.

I used to see this as something to describe Adrian, and then I realise that it's more suited for me.

No, I'm not completely insane, but I'll grant you, maybe just a little bit crazy

You've got your home of the brave and I've got my land of the free. You conform to what society says and I conform to me. Looking for light in the corners getting caught in the spider web, you look at me as if I'm giving a performance when I'm just feeding my head. And you know that I'm doing all right and I won't explain myself to you just to avoid a fight, how I'm living ain't correct but for me it's just right.

I've got a pair of ruby slippers that I don't wear much anymore. And if I had the nerve I'd click my heels and return to the wonderland I knew before. I'm waiting to on a slow boat to China, want to sail away to the sun. I've been searching for myself and I know I'm gonna find her if I break away from everyone. So the way that I act may not fit in, just because I've got a mind of my own doesn't mean it's a sin. I don't ask you to give up; don't expect me to give in.

Some like to live for the moment taking life into their own hands every day. And if they don't get killed they get so high off the thrill, they could float to heaven anyway. And others want to save for tomorrow thinking money is security. Well I understand the need but I don't get the greed, and they all seem pretty crazy to me. You can tell by the expression I wear; though I seem a little strange to you, I don't really care. I got the freedom to be and there are others like me everywhere...

I'm not completely insane, I'm maybe just a little bit crazy. There's no one to blame, got no shame about game, don't want nobody to save me.

Crazy ~ Alana Davis

In the midst of a short depressive bout, the sky clears. I find myself seated comfortably in a Professor's office sharing thoughts about postmodernity, international relations, ethno-centricism, South east asia, the colour of our skins and personal history. He tells me that my thesis proposal is NOT impossible, but like Dr Egerton, did not want to encourage me too much. And like Dr Egerton, I think he gave me enough hope and esteem to keep moving forward.

I am praying for wisdom in choosing my life paths. Where I should be and what I should be doing, and whom I shall love.

In MSN today:

Hannah:
omg what's the orginal song?

Seth:
riding dirty

Hannah
hahaha hist
i mean
shit
shit!

Seth
woah there
language

Hannah:
my swear came out as an academic field.

I ain't white, but I sure am nerdy.

Thank you threes,

Erwin: for being a patient and engaging listener, for agreeing to take an active part in my life and being unafriad to be honest. For allowing me to be your comfortable friend, and extending you realm of existance to include me. Our uncomplicated familiar friendship is a great comfort.

Mel: The distant skyper who affirms bits and pieces of myself that I do not see. That I am endearing, that I am brave, that I am naive. Who isn't afriad to admit his callousness toward me, and to point out my anger toward him. I can safely say that we still hang out as much even though I'm here and you're there.

Andrea: For making me feel less lonely out there in my Christian journey. For your obedience to God when he dropped me on your lap. I had found a paradigmical soulmate even before my mind was birthed. I look to you for strength in my conciousness when I am battling with the institutions in my mind.

Just remember till you're home again, you belong to me.

I didn't then, but I would now.

And since this is the way the cracker crumbles, I guess I'll have to re-route my dreams.

Dating Seth was the best relationship decision I've ever made. Even if everything else was screwed up, this one wasn't.

I cannot explain the depths of it all. It is beyond words.

I haven't felt this insecure in a long time. Maybe I just never placed my finger on it, given that I never worry about being fasionable or popular (or I don't in the conventional way). I feel academically insecure almost, which is also bullshit, and then there's the life-direction part...

I think just need more sleep, and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.

Too slow

Some hurts are amputations, and never grow back. Even if the limbs were lies, true before and morphed into malignancey with the passage of time and choice, it is necessary pain.

And if it was just how you wanted
You'd be glued to his bones and his brainstem
And changing your image and attitudes
Won't bring him back into your bedroom

Amputating as he's waiting
He's unresponsive 'cause you're irresponsible

Little swinger your bottle is thinking too much
'cause you're aiming to please way off target
And I'll tell you what you must already know
Of amputating that too slow

Ok, I'm a nut.

Fool

And while you press forward toward the exit, hurried in insecurity and the fear of betrayal, I maliciously pray for what I already sense is your stench. That you really run away from the painful recognition that your sunrise is on your back, and the terror that chases at your heals will envolope you with such darkness that the weak fairy lights you called stars will choke you with black.

Then maybe my roses will bloom again.