I would've said more, but I'm doing a favour. So anyways...

In less then 48 hours, I will be gone to Vancouver. I'm talking to Ian now and I know that I will always love him and he will always love me. Of all the kids, I've missed watching him grow the most.

And Belmont. Can happiness be made more perfect?

Ang Mo Kio @ 10pm.
I step into Belmont' car.
Smile.

Hello.

And then he drives us deeper into our private world.

I don't wake with the feeling of dread at the back of my throat, but rather with the slow ache of anxiety in my bones. What if I can't find a good place to live? What if I can't find a fulfilling job? Pointless as shearing cats really, but what can I do? I lie in bed captive to the weight of my fears. They've created a dent in my mattress and kinks in my joints.

I can't move.

There is not space for fear in a student's life, you just do it.
~ Me, on an essay that looked me in the eye like death would.

I had the best New Year's ever. Close friends who make me realise that I need nothing else in this world other then what I already have. Why ask for more?

And on that note, Sunday's service made me look forward to Vancouver. The seven months will give me time to review and reflect and redesign my journey with the nebulous institution of 'church'.

B.C., wait for me.

I can't believe that time has flown by so rapidly. It seems like only yesterday Gwen screamed "WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?" at my flacid and timorous self as I trotted pensively toward the faculty offices. Now, she has a new album, and I am to leave Singapore in a week.

As Aunty Wenli was saying at fourth-grand-aunt's wake this evening, a lot has happened within these few months. I traversed Indochine with a highly beloved friend and returned to the drama of identity politics. I started school and found my family. I fell in love with two people, at a similar time and chose one. I stage managed, albeit poorly, a church musical and drastically redirected the academic course of my life. I reconnected with old friends and my fourth-grand-aunt passed away.

I am ready to return to Vancouver. So much is waiting for me. and I will meet her head on.

Boyfriend to me:

"You sound more like ozzy osbourne with each passin day"

Oh how sweet. Why, thank you.

I am once again, very happy.

Everytime I stumble, a part of me expects that Belmont will come tumbling after. But he never fails to be a solid rock, strong and patient. I think I've found an anchor.

Let's sail.

Oh and Erwin, you're a great friend. Thank you.
And Gladys.

uErwin tells me, "be fair to everyone, even yourself."

To be honest, my main issue is that I am afriad to discover truth within myself. What if I cannot deal with the truth in my heart, with it becomes glaringly juxtaposed with the reality I am living out?

Since when have I been a slave to my fear? Pffft. Hannah you are beyond this. Trust that God heals and that He is Good.

If fear is the only thing that's stopping you from doing somthing. Do it. Fear isn't a good enough excuse not to.

~ Seth. (my ex-boyfriend, who saw me from boyfriend to boyfriend.)

Today was heavy on my soul. Very heavy.

Now is the dim past. Then was the shining present.... You think you're safe. Until you see a picture like that. And then you know you'll always be a slave to the present because the present is more powerful then the past, no matter how long ago the present happened.

Fall on your knees ~ Anne Marie Macdonald

Several blog posts ago, an anonymous commentor asked "You still love him don't you?". In my indignition, I refused to reply. But today I am resigned, and the answer is yes.

My blood still stirs in his presence.