I was reading Elim's blog and thought that she was right. Sometimes I think I've broken faith with myself, and need to have the grace to love this broken person.

Wha?

Quotes from Mel.

I sometimes wonder about you Hannah.
"About what?"
What is there NOT to wonder about? How do you survive in this world?

You are so intelligent, but sometimes... why have you not exploded and taken the whole world with you?

And about my emotional state:

Don't worry about it, you've just left Singapore and a piece of you still remains there. It'll come over later, like lost luggage.

And then come the lessons on blessings. And that the first will be last.

Matthew 20

They leave in two hours. I want to run over to the hotel, grab onto their legs and scream "DON'T LEAVE!!!!!"

Of course I will only shower and head to school. ugh.

My parents dropped me off today and headed off to their hotel in downtown Vancouver. Tomorrow morning, they will fly off to Singapore, back home, while I continue to live my life here. Of course I would not have it any other way, but I am starting to realise that some of my choices hurt. I want my mummy.

And in church today, I was arrested by the magnificence and grace of God, and after spending 7 months drifting further away, I'm glad to be back in First CRC. Maybe Shiyu was right about my church and how it affects my spiritual growth. I was going to ask if I should leave HPC on those grounds but then realised that this is not the time for such questions.

Ok, life in Vancouver starts today. the past week was a fuzzy no-mans land with my body in Vancouver but my relational orientation in Singapore. Now that my family has left (woe is me) I can be all, and fully here. But I love you.

Vancouver is always the time for realization. And here I realise that I am pitifully needy and insecure. My inner clown acts up at the steepest point of reality and shows that I, indeed, desperately want it all. And this cannot be legitimized.

Yearn

Make it real again.

I want to burn with passion.
Only you...

Now that I've settled into a nice warm cozy basement, I have time for other fears. And one of which is being dreadfully alone.

Community is very important.

I think I'm a terrible person. Graceless and harsh. Yes, I had a moderately bad day.

We've known each other for more then half our lives...
~My cousin Ryan to his new wife Katie, on their wedding.

I had known someone for more then half my life and did intend to marry him. I had said, 'on my wedding day, you'd either be the groom or the bridesmaid', in full confidence of the former. Well, that dream came and went and the skeletal remains stare back in the form of desperate proclaimations of, in my distant opinion, a false self-generated reality. You can't survive on a diet of hope.

I watch Ryan and Katie dance, necks arched forward, insatiably attracted by the offer of eternal love and tenderness. Where do these fairy tales come from? My story seems to be more of a postmodern narrative, spoken deep in the back alleys of the city.

huh?

Ugh, seriously.

I'm not here on a holiday. I've actually got stuff to do goddammit.

Sick and homeless.

BUT STILL RARING TO GO!

(U)

Goodbye Singapore. I am leaving.

It's the thought of leaving you and seeing the tears in your eyes that make me so afriad. I can live! I can survive, but when I live for someone else fear creeps in when I cannot live with them. But with yin there is yang and with my fear there is strength knowing that there is somebody who can be the constant in my life. On whom i can depend on. Anyway, it's late and I'm turning in.

There is no space for fear in my life. I will just do it.
And I will be back, for you.