I received expected news today with unexpected reactions within me.
I shrugged my shoulders and extended what I thought to be necessary.
But dark shadows crept around me still while I carried on my daily chores without skipping a beat. I do not want to believe that this means anything more then that.

But other things weighed more heavily on my mind: am I spending the summer wisely?

Summer's Limbo

I find myself drifting from sunspot to sunspot, my world collasping into placid walks along perfectly manicured lawns. The fluffy summer sunlight showing the world to be comfortable patchwork of blonde and blue. There are cute speckled birds.

But there's a restlessness that wrestles inside me. I am not what I was bred to be. If the unversity could be personified into a single being of human calibre, he would look upon me in amazement and ask "So how is it that you don't know what NATO is? Why did I give you a degree?" On one hand, insecurity squeeks like the annoying hinges of an aged door. But that's just it, it's annoying, but insignificant as, afterall, I'm about to under go another 4 years of school. But for now, I answer calls and write proposals.

There is a sense of meaningless rotation in my life that is yet... meaningful in itself. I was thinking of my profound loneliness today. So profound it's not there. I have a loving boyfriend, a wonderful family and numerous confidants all aroumd the world. I am the least lonely person there is.

So I smiled and enjoyed the flowers.

Ugh. Highly unimpressed with CIBC. I don't know how they can justify getting every aspect of my order wrong, and late. Not only am I unable to pay my landlord via check. I have to go all the way down to Sasamat on a Saturday for no other reason then to pick up the bank draft that they are drawing for me for Ontario. It's such a hassle. Respect is plummeting.

Why would you issue cheques for my savings account?

And this is why I love Vancouver.

"Dallas is winning 1 - 0 now..." I didn't really think much about Susan's comment about game. I was there for yoga, the first time in 3 weeks since crunch time started. I was so tired, I was falling asleep once we proceeded to the floor exercieses. So good.

An hour later, I'm walking out the door into the balmy spring evening. My head is assulted, still, by the echos of my tiny voice in the void Ian left, I'm concerned about my gym membership and some jack ass is thumping his horn. The car goes by, unflanked, unobstructed, NO GODDAMN REASON for the racket. I turn and glare as I cross the road. I hate to be interrupted like this.

But is wasn't just him, a middle aged Chinese man, I had caught a glimpse of him through the steeliness of my glare. But the streets were alive! Cars of all sorts had taken up their voices in a rowdy chorus that bugged the crap out of me. Then I realise that... there has to be something more going on.

Let me guess, we won the game tonight?
Me to stranger. Who was grinning silly while waiting for the light to change.

Affirmative. I have never been in a city so spontaniously and yet disparately jubeelant.

Yay Canucks!

Drumsticks and Hockey

If I don't salvage this relationship, I will regret it, for a substantially long time.
I'm sorry.

Feenies

I barely tasted the food. But i've studied the tiles on the bathroom floor and the smooth white coolness of the toilet bowl with great intensity. $35 and two hours later, I'm scrubbing the inside of Justin's car. Does water suffice? I doubt it. At 11.30, I'm standing outside my house as Thi watches me 'just to make sure i'm ok'. He's standing on the front lawn barefoot. He gives me a peck on the cheek, which he will probably not remember.

No offense, but that was the worst birthday ever. At least the bathrooms were nice, and Peps was cute. But then again, you're someone I love. So as much as I'm frustrated by your bad directional skills and ill-planned drinking binges, I'm stuck with you.

Happy birthday Thi!

we are both very impressed by you tonight
you take care of people very well
a lot of love
~Glen

I will miss you all. My friendships with you have been amazing and will continue to grow.

In other news, it's over! And I'm free!

So last night, I dreamt that we were walking down the road with a few of my other friends. Laughing, together you and I, like we used to.
I was very happy.

I'm coming home soon Belmont!

Losing [edit: them] to foolish words is heartbreaking. I understand my faults now and am working to move on.

I have also learned to appreciate my friends to a greater depth. I am truly blessed. And after talking to Tom, I have decided that I can be happy again.

[Edit: just this once, because I still care]

Chasing Deer, with you. Hallelujah.

Yes I'm sorry that I missed you
I'm sorry that I missed you
When there's no-one there to greet you
I'm sorry that I missed you

I'm always chasing after deer
Oh my dear, oh my dear
And through the meadow I can hear
My fears, oh my fears

For myself I must remind
That the woods are usually kind
And the sea is not mine
And when I'm all alone
And chasing after deer
Don't be upset if it's scared
And I can't reach it

I know that I am fast
But it's much faster
And after a while I can't keep up
So I start to lag behind

But it doesn't know
That I've resigned
So off a cliff
It falls to the sea
And I am sad
But the sea is not mine

The sea is not mine, the sea is not mine
The sea is not mine, the sea is not mine

And just as soon it had slipped into
The sleepy dusk and it's not very likely
That we'll see it a, we'll see it a-again

Out one day
Walking one day
Out one day
With you, hallelujah
We found a wood, we un-found a wood and then
And then we cried, "Oh No"
And, please tell me will we ever find it again?
In the depths of Trolley Wood
Do trolleys still drive?

"It is better to have been wronged, then to wrong others"
~ Some chinese saying.

It is an experience, that by having grace withheld from me by doors slammed shut, the windows to my soul pour in with love and affirmation from those who truely care. Why do I give my heart away so frivolously. Must I indeed be loved by all? Perhaps then, this is good.

No excuses, only apologies, and unmitigated wounds to carry forward with me.

[Lyrics: Chasing the Deer - Midlake, Trolly Wood - Eisley]

Seriously,
did you have to break my heart too?

Losing two friends in a week sucks, and the over-reactions make me wonder if the emotional investments were worth it. But how can I say no to souls like that?

Make you sick, make you ill,
makes you cheat, slipping change from the till.
Had it up to the gills,
makes you cry while the milk still spills.
Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain, well it's all a crying shame.
What left to do but complain?
Better find someone to blame.

Hey! Get, get, get, get, get over it!

Get over it ~ OK go!