RE: I'm weak.

I am a little tickled. But what can I say?

Bleh.

As my stomach lurches and heaves in anticipation, I realise that I am no different from her. You cannot have this happen, but I love you.

Thank you Thi, for sharing your thoughts you questions you interests and life with me. I feel like I already know your past, your present and your future. I think you have a lot of substance in the things you ponder upon and am glad that you think it appropriate to share them with me. I guess you can say that I think it's an honor. Although, I have to say that I think you're quite silly sometimes. And with regards to participating in the Amazing Race, I could only do it with you. Just because you're competitive and confident enough to swallow my hesitation.

-----------------------------

I remember earnest eyes and a troubled voice: "When will you learn Hannah? That the world is not as nice as you think it is? That there are people who would want to hurt? When will you grow up?" Oh I never thought much of it then, except it was sweet of him to worry for me so. And I guess it is true. To this day, I am naive and trusting, and quite stubbornly so. It's almost as if I refuse to believe that there are motives for actions out that that do not stem from the christian root of good intention. But simply put, I just can't find it within myself to believe that there is valid reason for people to act otherwise. I mean I know they do from brokenness and selfishness and blah blah blah, but in my spirit, I just can't see things that way.

So when it does happen, it's a rude slap in the face and that's when I come crawling to a coffeeshop with Glen to commiserate on how we have lost faith in humanity. Or go running to Mel and his loving laugh to stop his unloving fists willingly raised in my defense. And then Sarah and her stories of encouragement, Shu and her listening ear. Tom and his ridiculousness and humour. Who would've thought that a dramatic reading would make it all a lot better? Jeff and his insight, Thi and his friendship, to me - the Ryzobium, Robby and his conversations...

How do you get through life?
Roger and Mel, at different times with equal exasperation.

Oh just with people like you.

Everything is lost - uh oh!
But I know that you can take it to the Lord
Everything you want - uh oh!
Is it all that you can gather for yourself?
Do you love a lot - uh oh!
It's the love that changes gifts to everyone
Illinois is lost - uh oh!

Is it strange that you perpetuate yourself?
You wonder what it costs - uh oh!
It's the joy the joy that he will carry to the door
Everything is lost - uh oh!
Still I know that you can take it to the world
(all that he has given to the world)

~ The Perpetual Self or What would Saul Alinsky Do? by Sufjan Stevens.

Anyway, church was refreshing and quenching. Now I am going to sleep.

What hit me?

I'm not sure if I was too rash and needless lost another friend. Maybe communication wasn't clear enough, maybe messages weren't getting through, maybe they were being misread, maybe they weren't meant as I took them, maybe I just don't understand... At any rate I've done what I honestly think would be for the best in the long run. For now, there's the immense sense of loss and betrayal to come to terms with. It is unfortunate that seemingly good decisions can hurt immensely.

Me: "You won't drop me Hannah. And even if you did you'll come crawling back and I'll be waiting."

Him: Haha. He doesn't know you.

For a couple of moments I was a little stunned, and then I smiled, it's great to be known. Even by you, an odd piece of my history in Canada, now waiting for a weekend in Japan.

I love supportive friends, who affirm and challenge me, who walk by me and love.
Thank you.

WHATEVER

Yes it is pretty obvious that no one knows how the future will pan out and what God has up his sleeve is anyone's guess.

But till then, I will be living through conviction. Doing what I think ought to be done.

And note to self: As you have seen, wisdom is needed.

Gah, I missed an appointment for a patient and had to turn another one away. SO WEAK. I messed up. Like my bank.

Meerh.

No, you don't understand. I need a REASON. Telling me that it isn't workable does not do anything for me. I KNOW it isn't workable by protocol, that's why I wrote a PROPOSAL. By telling me it won't work due to reasons my proposal addresses does not constitute an ANSWER.

So I'm lying whimpering on the floor for a bit. I hate being defeated. I hate having my perfect little plans tossed aside, suffocated by the necessary fists of structure and guidlines. My pretty pretty blueprints smeared by the chunky clunky insitutional templates.

Oh well, I just needed a little rant. Now, I'll just roll out of my puddle of salt, brush down my clothes and smooth out my hair as I walk in the direction of the decision makers. I want this, or at least an answer.

And if all else fails. I simply don't want to be bitter.
Not in this winter weather, god no!

If the Singapore government ever spied on me, I hope it had been that Saturday evening with Shu at that Congee place on Main and Broadway. Expounding on my long forgotten issues of identity and race, I found within my heart a deep emotional stirring toward my ex-Nationality. How I miss and love you.

In other news, I am tired of being white. Thanks for the attempts, but all the tolerance and rhetoric offered doesn't do much for this Chinese soul trapped in a White mind that is trapped in a Chinese body.

I'm not an egg, I'm an onion.

It is simply hateful to look at oneself through the eyes of a foreigner.