Delight

Under the noonday heat tinted green by the foliage that shrouds the porch, I am working on proposals and reports. A knocking above catches my attention and I smile a little, already knowing the sight I would behold when I raise my eyes. The translucent roof is clamouring with a little bird feast and I watch for the little scratchy feet that hop around - the only part of the bird I can see. She (or he?) is hard at work, violently abusing a nut or a snail for lunch. The perfect black lines that join and her ankle in the shape of a rake tells me where she is, and I can see her victim bouncing around, subject to her hungry beak.

I thought about running upstairs to rescue the poor snail. I thought about how scary it must be to feel so trapped, to have no where to run to except into your shell - a poor fortress. But then either laziness or a sense of subjugation to nature took over and I watched her cute feet (claws) patter around the roof before she took off, satisfied.

I enjoyed watching her eat. But I guess in every gift comes a cost. Be wise in the balancing act.

Out of context

H: Canada is like the fruit of knowledge of good and evil in the garden of Eden

S: that could be the nicest thing anyone has ever said about Canada. I assume it was a compliment.

H: Blogging it.

S: Good, the world needs to know.

It's alright, take your time to find your peace. We'll be right here with you through the darkest dawn. Come on, come on, come on, come on now you can't make it on your own.

LOVES!

"等一下，等一下，我要吗人了！我要吗人了！" G mumbles into the phone, before hanging up and turning on me. I had walked in that monday afternoon after dealing with ICA and had done a full star-jump (nothing less) to announce my arrival in his office.

"Where have you been? Worried for you! You disappeared! Could have been kidnapped, dying somewhere, we don't know?!! Also, you never turn off your computer!"

It had been the weekend, I don't come to work on weekends.

Tuesday morning, I relearn the art of wearing heels and had Metric join me on the way to the meetings. "Hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days!" She smiles (beautiful beautiful smile) over the tea cup she's using to warm up her hands.

It had been the weekend, I don't come to work on weekends.

Needless to say, I am learning what it means to be loved, and to feel safe again. Even if it means that people can care for you and appreciate you in a distant, professional way.

Right now, I'm a ball of good things.

[Edit]

For some reason, I am living in here a lot now. I am not quite sure why. Wiggle room for the mind? Either way, it's better this way.

G-love!!!

"I'm so lonely here
everyone is gone
everyone meaning you"

From Nagaland to Bangkok to Vancouver, you're always holding my hand.

On that note, I should've visited in you Tanzania...

"I think you don't have the slightest clue of who you are".

And that's when it all started. I'm still uncovering new bits of information every so often, like shards lodged in the soft tissue of my brain after the fall out. "Oh hello..." It's a wonder that my desire for amiability, compassion and grace was turned into foolishness, insecurity and weakness. I guess I'm still slowly learning to growth in strength as in grace. At any rate, I don't think that that was true of me at all, but I can't say that I care enough to justify it. Only know that it won't happen again.

2 hour afternoon naps do not bode well for the night. Neither does stuff like... this. The walls are yellow and the mirror reflects the weary smiles that somehow light the dark. Green petals and post-it notes strewn around flash brightly asking for attention. Always asking for attention.

Somewhere Alfie cries, and says enjoy his every smile you can see in the dark. Through the eyes of Laura Mars, how did we get so far? ~ Gold Dust :: T. Amos

Who gave you permission to do this to me now?

Being finite has its plus points: There's only so much space within my attention span for stuff. So something's gotta give and I am going to use that to my advantage.

On another note, I worry that Laura did it, while Hannah didn't.

I awoke close to 8, my body still moving gingerly from yesterday's walk, ravenous. Oh the little things that remind me that I am human.

Glen speaks gently to me from 8000 miles away, "it's natural no?". I guess I am too harsh on myself, my expectations, my fears and my desires. And yet I am hard pressed to reign in this torrid energy quickly, toward some sort of productivity. Time lost means less will be accomplished, and I've already let too many moments trickle past, with nothing to show for them - yet. I guess everything will eventually be crafted into something beautiful at the end of the day by hands quite other then my own (thankfully). I'm still young, and that's my fault.

Still, I don't know what to make of this new vulnerability that seems to have shown up right at the center of everything. Translucent, light and pale, I can't tell if she's an angel or a ghost.