So UBC didn't give me what I wanted in the end. But a good explanation and clarity (as well rearranging my time table) gave me great peace.

Is this growth?

The last of Jerkface 

While IL was sipping his cup of ginger tea and espousing on learning inner strength and security, it dawned on me what my problem really was: That a part of me still seeks to win JF's approval and love. Something that never did, and can never happen. Thus every rejection, disappointment, or sign of disapproval is, in my mind, an extension of the horrible state of things that existed in early 2009.

Now, in perspective, the 5 months are but a blimp in my lifetime and hence should not have that much of an impact on my life. However, I think it is more of the failed expectations, the wasted energy and emotion and the sense of incompleteness that have left it's mark on my dealing with relationships. 

I think what is so damaging about translating every negative vibe today into yesterday's negativity is the nature of JF's rejection and disapproval: It was complete, concrete and insurmountable. It was a rejection that was unqualified, uncompromising and refused all negotiation. In other words, it left me trapped, helpless and powerless. Now to see every subsequent negative vibe/rejection in a similar light, or as coming from the same source, is to see every such rejection as final and damning. And this is not true. It is unfair to the relationships that I have developed, it is unfair to the people who love me and whom I love. It creates disproportional reactions within me and stunts my ability to engage in healthy discussion and relationships.

Nonetheless, it was incredibly refreshing to be able to put a name on my insecurities and to understand how and why they come about. This isn't about being angry anymore, or about seeking revenge or anything of that petty sort. It's about being strong and about being happy and about making sure that what happens is for the best, because it is. I mean it when I say that I am no longer angry and that forgiveness is final, and really, all that's left is allowing all this to fade away into nothingness by the process of displacement. I am just glad that I now have a clearer picture of what actually needs to be displaced.

IL is right, it takes strength to be happy. And I always did believe that JF was never a bad man, or a monster, he was just incredibly brilliant and weak. Finally, I am learning that it's not so much that I never had him and his approval or love, but that it's that he doesn't have mine. After all, I am only responsible for, and can really only live out, my single story.

I am so excited about the future!

Dear Ivan,

You have been an unmeasurable source of strength, inspiration and truth. Your kind words spring forth from a space of great power, and indeed it is only a matter of time before greatness is yours and you grace the cover of Time, FT, Forbes and the likes. Thank you for sharing, and allowing me to share, for being the medium of great epiphanies and conclusions, and for affirming my worth. Most heartening, is seeing your passion for God and for goodness lived out, in difficult circumstances. You are right, it take strength to be happy.

Happy birthday!

Hannah

I looked at myself in the mirror today, and decided that I really like the way I look.

Just. As. I. Am.

Don't hide. SHOW YOURSELF!

I dare you!

So I'll forgive what you have done
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired I mean eventually
And there's nothing left to do but sleep


I will be pure,
No, no, I know I will be pure.
Like snow- like gold-
like snow- like gold--

[No lies, just love - Bright Eyes]

Dear university: Just give me what I want, and no one gets hurt.

Trust.

Don't worry, you don't have to drag it out from me. I'm not a tepid well with a rickety bucket reluctantly giving up my darkish water. I am a joyful geyser! Just don't be a douche.

Thoughts for today:

Grace. Weakness. Unconditional love. Home. Returning. Cynicism. Compassion. Destiny. Fear. Mediocrity. Love. Loneliness. Reaching out. Holding back. Crazy. Calm. Realism. Confidence. Strength. Greatness. Contempt. Fulfillment. Creation. Expectations. Fairness. Depression. Bonhoeffer. Attraction. Limits. Obedience. Resistance.

~ You know like... you know all those books I have that I don't let you read? 

~ Yeah?

~  It's all just all these love poems that are about you.  

[post secret video]

Tonight there were brights stars in the sky and laughter and all was right with the world. It was a prophecy.