I asked my question carefully. It could not be something that I was too scared to know the truth of, or that might be affected by the answer. I would not ask about JP, or about anything concrete that might shake my trust in what I'm doing. I'm odd like that. I generally never consent to having my future read, not really out of religious reasons but more because I know that the answer will sway my confidence and that is not something I can afford. Besides, I am free from such stuff.

She pulls out three cards and over dinner gives me a pretty accurate description of my situation. JP's next to me chatting with someone about a conference in Japan, I guess it's not going to get any easier. But that's ok.

Oh PLEASE make this work!

I want to shower you with so much affection and attention that no other man would come close...

I knew that he'd lose and would be incapable of matching up to, well, my life. I just never anticipated anything so sweet and dangerous as the life I'm living now. Thank you. 

How most days are feeling:



:)

The message I've been getting over the past couple of weeks has been that of temporariness, phases and flux. Things change, relationships evolve and hearts turn. What was meaningful yesterday will not be tomorrow, and that calls for a brave march in a new direction. Of course somethings will always and should always stay with you - relationships, love and truth, strength and honour. 

This too shall pass, and we will be none the worse for it. 

It's also time to reverse some changes made under less-than-perfect circumstances. It's nice to know that one can almost always go back, but not quite.

In a seeming contradiction, I have found that by being concerned about myself, I can care for others more. Why didn't they teach me this when I was younger?

Conversations with me.

Do you trust in God? 

... not really....

Hrm. Well, He won't punish you for that, you know. He's not that kind of god.

Well, at least one of me makes sense.

Alright, I will admit (and it is perhaps no secret) that a part of me is jealous of the sense of rootedness and certainty older generations had. Even if you moved overseas for whatever, the sense of who you were and where you belonged remained entrenched in you. Today, societies are fluid. Especially societies like Singapore. So even if this were entrenched, it's not as solid a concept as it was 20 years ago. With that comes security - not just in where you belonged but in who you are.

I guess I'm whining about being afraid of the next step, of the violence that that excessive choice brings on our very basic need for relational security and identity. But it's part of the world that we/I live in now and whining about it does no good. People tell me that the solution is to have your identity rooted in God. Sadly, I have met few people who lie in the intersection between social fluidity and "rootedness in God". Cultural affinities infusing into a particular church context generally account for a large chunk of the sense of rootedness. And even if not, a sense of global church culture permeates the religion all around, making it a sense of home. I'm not comfortable with that, for several reasons.

It's not a bad thing, really. And no, I do not regret giving up my Singaporean Citizenship. It's not so simple. It's just a trade-off that I wasn't aware I was making, but I'm strong enough to live with it.

I feel like I need to lie face-down in the earth for a while, until I find my feet. Or, more accurately, until I have the guts to find my feet.

*stress*

dear god, please please please please please!!!!