Me: I can't pray alone
DW: Have you tried praying with God?
Thank god for that 5% of communication that does succeed.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Madness
So I surf, and the nosey little louse inside gets to me and I just have to do a little sniffing around. For reasons that are unjustifyable to myself.
I come across adjectives such as "Hypocritical" glaring in my direction along with accusations that I had "lost integrity in [my] dealings with people in [my] daily life".
Within come a myrid reactions. The first being confusion and amusment. In a bid to live a life as transparent as possible to the world around me, I certainly did not see being called a hypocrite coming round the bend. But it happened anyway.
How odd.
So I think about it, and then realised that from their perspective, it probably does seem like I am a hypocrite. Afterall, they would never know my conviction on the overhead bridge on opening night. How the divine put me back in my place. How I compartmentalize people and life, somewhat even beyond my own understanding.
From this angle, I can say that I have not been hypocritical, albeit them being justified in their feelings.
On second thought, I guess I can say that I am hypocritical. We all are. What with all that was going on under the table during CG, I can hardly say that I stand alone in this department. But this isn't about anyone else but me. I have to learn greater transparency. But even so, Love is above wisdom. The human head is in control, for the good of the human heart.
My other reaction was targeted not so much at the sentiment of the content but rather its form - The internet.
As an MCMer once chided me on my inappropriate use of public domain, I cannot help but be extra-sensitive to who is saying what and where. I think what bothers me most is how being so closely connected to a specific medium of communication hasn't helped in nurturing greater sensitivity and maturity with regards to the internet. It's so dangerous.
Crypt is good.
But anyway, all said and done -
"It is easier to bitch then to understand" ~ Shulin
So I surf, and the nosey little louse inside gets to me and I just have to do a little sniffing around. For reasons that are unjustifyable to myself.
I come across adjectives such as "Hypocritical" glaring in my direction along with accusations that I had "lost integrity in [my] dealings with people in [my] daily life".
Within come a myrid reactions. The first being confusion and amusment. In a bid to live a life as transparent as possible to the world around me, I certainly did not see being called a hypocrite coming round the bend. But it happened anyway.
How odd.
So I think about it, and then realised that from their perspective, it probably does seem like I am a hypocrite. Afterall, they would never know my conviction on the overhead bridge on opening night. How the divine put me back in my place. How I compartmentalize people and life, somewhat even beyond my own understanding.
From this angle, I can say that I have not been hypocritical, albeit them being justified in their feelings.
On second thought, I guess I can say that I am hypocritical. We all are. What with all that was going on under the table during CG, I can hardly say that I stand alone in this department. But this isn't about anyone else but me. I have to learn greater transparency. But even so, Love is above wisdom. The human head is in control, for the good of the human heart.
My other reaction was targeted not so much at the sentiment of the content but rather its form - The internet.
As an MCMer once chided me on my inappropriate use of public domain, I cannot help but be extra-sensitive to who is saying what and where. I think what bothers me most is how being so closely connected to a specific medium of communication hasn't helped in nurturing greater sensitivity and maturity with regards to the internet. It's so dangerous.
Crypt is good.
But anyway, all said and done -
"It is easier to bitch then to understand" ~ Shulin
God forbid I take the easy way out.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
I am blessed beyond measure
and by his grace alone I overcome.
God has been immeasurely good to me. If I were to list out every good thing that He has done for me, it would take forever. And I bet i'd still miss something out.
Though let me clarify that the joy I am experiencing is not happiness or comfort. I am content, but being sick, unsure, unsettled, fearful, confused and all that jazz doesn't warrent my present state of being to be 'happy'. No. That would be an understatement.
Joy unspeakable, Peace that surpasses all understanding, and a Love that just goes way over my head.
There's something about Mary.
Dennis tells me I'm that Mary. That there's something about me that draws people to me. Let me say this though:
Everytime I say something nice about myself on my blog, or recount the nice things that people say about me, it isn't done in all naive innocence.
In all honesty, it is a clear reflection of my brokenness, fear, insecurity and desire to be loved and accepted.
I'm only human.
and by his grace alone I overcome.
God has been immeasurely good to me. If I were to list out every good thing that He has done for me, it would take forever. And I bet i'd still miss something out.
Though let me clarify that the joy I am experiencing is not happiness or comfort. I am content, but being sick, unsure, unsettled, fearful, confused and all that jazz doesn't warrent my present state of being to be 'happy'. No. That would be an understatement.
Joy unspeakable, Peace that surpasses all understanding, and a Love that just goes way over my head.
There's something about Mary.
Dennis tells me I'm that Mary. That there's something about me that draws people to me. Let me say this though:
Everytime I say something nice about myself on my blog, or recount the nice things that people say about me, it isn't done in all naive innocence.
In all honesty, it is a clear reflection of my brokenness, fear, insecurity and desire to be loved and accepted.
I'm only human.
Monday, September 06, 2004
Friday, September 03, 2004
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Vitriol
"it's been proven that everyone will encounter a certain percentage of people they will never get along with."
I remember the culture shock I went through when I entered VJC. For the first time, I had met people with the propensitiy to dislike another human being. One of these evil individuals, was me. I morphed -twisted would be a more appropriate term- into a worm. I hated the people around me, I hated humanity, I hated myself. I was queen mother bitch of the western skies with a very large capacitiy and inclination to inflict emotional pain on the people around me, at least on those whom I feared or despised.
And half-way through year two, God waltzed me around and I came back full cycle - in love with Humanity. Except this time, with a precise, informed, decisive love. So far removed from the pink and fluffy affection I had offered in the past. I learned more about people, I studied their habits as if they were monkeys in the wild and conjured up sweeping grand theories that could explain anything about the incomprehensible nature of man.
I am only twenty years old.
Suddenly I found myself face to face with people that I -perhaps- could never get along with. At least not on a working level. And I ended up working with them. Now if my discovery channel findings and grand theories had been correct, I ought never to ended up in such a state, socially speaking.
So I was very wrong.
Either that or the circumstances did not allow for me to practise what I believed to be 'the solution'. But then, I thank God that I was wrong. It just shows that humanity is a lot bigger than I am. And it that respect, so very beautiful.
So I can only just, let my failure go. And in a funny way, I am so very glad that things turned out in the worst possible way for me. It's some funny yin yang thing all over again, some weird tension of opposites... whatever. In the worst situation, I saw the most beautiful. Amazing.
"it's been proven that everyone will encounter a certain percentage of people they will never get along with."
I remember the culture shock I went through when I entered VJC. For the first time, I had met people with the propensitiy to dislike another human being. One of these evil individuals, was me. I morphed -twisted would be a more appropriate term- into a worm. I hated the people around me, I hated humanity, I hated myself. I was queen mother bitch of the western skies with a very large capacitiy and inclination to inflict emotional pain on the people around me, at least on those whom I feared or despised.
And half-way through year two, God waltzed me around and I came back full cycle - in love with Humanity. Except this time, with a precise, informed, decisive love. So far removed from the pink and fluffy affection I had offered in the past. I learned more about people, I studied their habits as if they were monkeys in the wild and conjured up sweeping grand theories that could explain anything about the incomprehensible nature of man.
I am only twenty years old.
Suddenly I found myself face to face with people that I -perhaps- could never get along with. At least not on a working level. And I ended up working with them. Now if my discovery channel findings and grand theories had been correct, I ought never to ended up in such a state, socially speaking.
So I was very wrong.
Either that or the circumstances did not allow for me to practise what I believed to be 'the solution'. But then, I thank God that I was wrong. It just shows that humanity is a lot bigger than I am. And it that respect, so very beautiful.
So I can only just, let my failure go. And in a funny way, I am so very glad that things turned out in the worst possible way for me. It's some funny yin yang thing all over again, some weird tension of opposites... whatever. In the worst situation, I saw the most beautiful. Amazing.
Monday, August 30, 2004
Skipping a Beat
I positively hate the situation I'm in now. I'm neither here nor there, in Singapore or in Canada. Well i'm obviously here in Singapore but the shadowing knowledge of my return to Canada seems to be crippling me.
here.
The absolute, the solid, the reliable.
Is always changing.
breathe.
The birth pangs of my second year in UBC. A lot harder then expected. And believe me Mr Matthews, I'm trying.
I positively hate the situation I'm in now. I'm neither here nor there, in Singapore or in Canada. Well i'm obviously here in Singapore but the shadowing knowledge of my return to Canada seems to be crippling me.
"What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
The time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end some time
But don't burn the day away"
here.
The absolute, the solid, the reliable.
Is always changing.
"Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life,
Is it not enough?"
breathe.
The birth pangs of my second year in UBC. A lot harder then expected. And believe me Mr Matthews, I'm trying.
"But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone"Pig ~ Dave Matthews Band
