Worse, then the total agony of being in love?

I love you this much. eternally.

I can live like this. Simple and here.
But there's more for me up there, and I'm waiting for the call.

There's more happening here then just you and me.
~ Spidey

I won't live forever.

There's no time for us, There's no place for us, What is this thing that builds our dreams, Yet slips away from us. There's no chance for us, It's all decided for us, This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us. Now touch my tears with your lips, Touch my world with your fingertips, And we can have forever, And we can love forever, Forever is our today.
Who waits forever anyway?

New plan of action to life:
To live what I have, without grappling for what isn't there.

The essense of truth is the here and now.
What was and what will come has no defination.
There's nothing to be done about all that.

5 years ago, I fell in love with someone who didn't exist.

...5 years ago

And I fear I have nothing to give

And I have so much to lose,

Here in this lonely place,

Tangled up in our embrace.

There's nothing I'd like better,

Than to fall.

Do you know what I'm feeling now?

I need more of me sometimes. I am resentful of the fact that there is a scarcity of me and hence I have to make choices. Opportunty costs really suck.

I lead a wonderful happy life. I am content and joyful.
I have peace.
I have adventure.
I have troubles.
I have love.
I have friends.
I have families.

I should be humbled.

"Yes, but what truth? You can see which is truth and which is falsehood, but I feel as if I'd gone blind - I can't see anything at all. You boldly settle all the great questions, but my love, isn't that because you're young, isn't that because you've never had to live a single on of those questions out? You look boldly forwards, but isn't that because you have the eyes of youth, becuase life is still hidden from them, so that you see nothing frightening in store? You're more daring than the rest of us, you're deeper, you're more honest - but think about it for a moment, be just a touch magnanimous in your judgement, take pity on me."

Ranyevskaya in 'The Cherry Orchard'
by Anton Chekhov

It's one thing to be a good and nice individual.
It's another thing to be blessed beyond reason.
I am who I am, and nothing I am, deserves all this.

Maze

I'm lost in You.
And then I'm found.

Amazing grace.

Move in Mysterious ways.

You've been living underground
Eating from a can
You've been running away
From what you don't understand...
Love

I lay on the floor of the bathtub today, feeling the water carass my bare back, teasing my eyes, lips, nose while I surrendered to the convicting realization that I cannot control the way things are and that Isaiah 55:9 really means what it says. This entailed letting my brain drain away with the dirty bath water, and letting my despotic use of logic seep through my scalp, down my hair and into the drain. Let it all be You God. And then Sarah walks in and reminds me that I have a life to live.

She's slippy
You're sliding down
She'll be there when you hit the ground

God is the biggest flirt in the universe. He is Dionysis, giddy and dangerous, making drunk and defying reason. He is the concentric being, folding in on layers of existance and realms of understanding. He drowns all creation in his being. He is honey that confuses and gives peace. He is crazy, and he's dragging me deeper under. I can't feel my limbs or hear my thoughts. I've schizoed out into another world where I have nothing to hold on to, but Him. I quite like this though, just me and a terrible unsafe being, love. I'll fall down and I know it'll hurt to fall, but there's more happening here then a bunch of grazed nerves. I will reach the outermost layer of the universe. He, the quintessence of empiricalism and truth.

Let her talk about the things you can't explain
To touch is to heal
To hurt is to steal
If you want to kiss the sky
Better learn how to kneel
(on your knees boy)

I have an issue with faith healing. I think I also have issues with Faith and Healing. Today I came face to face with my lack of faith to make empirical claims and prayers lest God fails and I falter. I need faith healing, my faith needs healing. I'm going to stay here on my knees, and wait for the sky to kiss me. Inexplicable grace.

She's the wave
She turns the tide
She sees the man inside the child

She also brings him out.
17 or 23, there is always room for grace, emptiness to satisfy, hearts to love and lives to carry. The potential of completion, the power of redemtion and the promise of salvation, all moving gently to meet the man-child, with juice still staining his lips.

One day you will look back
And you'll see
Where you were held
How by this love
While you could stand
There you could move on this moment
Follow this feeling

I am a fetus carried in a sac of love. I am confused energy, disordered chaos waiting to be shaped into being and maintained. I am a madwoman, kept from self-destruction by a straitjacket. I am the comos before creation, and I have love waiting at the door of my heart. I think I can flow freely now. Channel me.

It's alright,
Lift my days, light up my nights

Pillar of cloud and fire, part the sea. Please.

We move through miracle days
Spirit moves in mysterious ways

I'd never say never.

The Day of the LORD
Joel 2:28 -32
"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and billows of smoke. The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD . And everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved; for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there will be deliverance, as the LORD has said, among the survivors whom the LORD calls. "

Not in the face of the Creator.

Move with it

I'm adapting Les Mis:

To love another person is to be the face of God.

Ok so this is theologically careless.
But you get my point

Sing.

I am insecure and unsure. I allow myself to be vulnerable and needy and mistake these crippling attributes for love. I dwell in hidden corners, lingering with my hands clumsily clasped to uncertainty. I cry words that have no meaning here, and write songs that are awkward and unbecoming. The ground beneath me lies blindly and I walk in circles. The distance is distorted, like mirages in melting heat.

Let me pour out myself in wisdom. Let me make this place fertile and powerful, integral in this upward climb toward betterment. Let this journey be returned laced in solid gold.

I will not lean, but I will touch. Not reaching down or reaching up; but across, to hold your hand.

Let that be enough.