Hair-raising.

Alright lovelies. In case you weren't aware, yours truely is about to lop off her locks for Cancer come saturday the 16th of April. I WILL BE BALD. I am in the process of raising funds both in Canada and Singapore. The Funds here will go to the BC children's hospital and the funds in Singapore will go to Singapore Cancer Society. If you want to make a donation, let me know. For those of you in Singapore, give the money to my parents, or shoot me an e-mail.

Do it.





And henceforth, I will be silent till the 16th. Till then.

I went to church again for the first time in a couple of months. (Theatre lah.) But despite my 4 hour nap yesterday and my 7 hours of sleep last night, I was completely pooped and more skeptical/disinterested then anything else. As Grandma Fruitcake said 2 days ago: "the I AM essense is in everyone of us."

Ok... I am bored and not caring. I am sincere. I am not engaged. I am here.

I am not charmed.

Easily hidden behind my cute little girl thing that I pull out in the alienating presence of 'the other', I'm starting to feel the need to do that less.

here's the start of being real, of being behind, in front of and along side. there's nothing to worry about or to fret about.

Ywn.

Blah blah blah. I'm bored.

So yesterday I perched myself contentedly by the widow seat in Second Cup and disected econ articles on the Evils of Globalization whilst sipping my Kenya Coffee. Felicia enters my life.

I exchanged numbers with a writer-photographer grandmother who articulated my 8-month journey into metaphilosphy. She told me that we're all essentially made of light and sound, and that the I AM essense to God is found in everyone of us. She spoke of angels and spirits, of bone marrow and energy, of waves and rippling sound that courses though us and out of us. of how we connect via frequency.

That's why I spoke to you immediately. I looked into your eyes and I knew that you would be an interesting person for me to talk to.

Darn right I am.

I tried calling another lady today, also named Hannah. But her line was disconnected. Then I meet you... I don't think I'll ever see her again.

But in her, I met God.

She spoke of life in a very Bjork way.
But without God.

Oh well. Whatever. I'm at a point in my life where nothing's going to change my world.
And actually, I did step out into my mind, which really was the universe.

I'm not charmed.

I have observed myself under the influence of alcohol. It does get quite scary. And then I wonder what I really am.

Don't give yourself away.

hearts out there on the screen. Blogging is the new fashionable way to cry for help. The freedom of the invidual deems it unnecessary for the reader to respond in any meaningful way. Selfish enterprise this blogging is.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm half as interested in life as I should be. I feel like one of those who "love humanity but hate people". I'm tired, I guess and somewhat blase. I think i'm also tired of the whole God talk. I'm looking forward to senseless existance over summer. I need to get real. I can't just sit around and expound about how wonderful God is how He is everything.

Meh, I wonder sometimes if God rolls his eyes at us HCCs. If I were God, I'd be pretty pissed off. Like, I made you to be a human being, not a christian. At anyrate, I've met some pretty ardent non-christians who were closer to the heart of God then most christians. What does that say?

That I'm a grumbling disgruntled baby at the moment. But apart from all that, I'm going to heck-care on the whole emo-god thing. I want to be real, and i want my relationship with God to be real. Not an emotional crutch.

So I'm not going to try emulating any of these fantasies, or fabricating my gratitude or love, joy, peace. If God is real... well then.

I really don't know Love at all.

Hannah, after you write "The Theology of Love" and "The Politics of Love", you have to write "The Criminology of Love".

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say 'I love you', right out loud.

I think my love sometimes is like a picture. Pretty, but very two-dimensional. I thank God that I broke up with Seth. I've been thinking about him a lot lately, but I sometimes feel, that he deserved more. More honesty, more truth and more... love. But our seperate worlds wouldn't allow for that. Oh well.

I still struggle.

Today, I told Curtis and Dustin what was really going on. It was strange being unable to talk, to have my heart heave up into my mouth and to have the needle tears stab the back of my eyes.

"it's like telling a cow I have a craving for steak."

Oh well. I've gotten over my need to have my head wrapped around my life, I'll just concentrate on making sure that the constumes and props are set up properly backstage. The show is henceforth out of my hands. Thank God.

I'm starting to realise the weight of my words and my decisions. How they affect and influence real human lives. Living souls. So precious.

So I need to be careful. And the flip side of the same coin, Be sure.
This entails being aware,
This entails consciousness
This entails strength.
This entails taking good care of myself. Spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and phyiscally.
This entails making wise choices.

Because.
(b-k�z, -kz)conj.

For the reason that; since.

I'm starting to develop a resentment towards this word. The finality of it is presumptious and falliciously proud. 'Because' will only be sufficient if it didn't exist, or if it were infinite. It's like one of those limits things that we do in math. The limit reaches 0 or infinity. And the curved like that represents the equation here represents the arena of the insufficieny of becuaseness. Because is like the bat that betrayed both bird and mammal, or the girl who claims to be Canadian and Singaporean, but rarely both. Because is empty and bereft of fulfilment.

Or maybe I'm just a post-modern ya-ya who can't get enough of the world to listen, or to agree.

Just becuase.

Falling in love.

A couple of days ago Curtis brought up the issue of emotional fornication. A malice that I believe that I'm guilty of.

for�ni�ca�tion: (f�rn-kshn)n.
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.

Word History: The word fornication had a lowly beginning suitable to what
has long been the low moral status of the act to which it refers. The Latin word
fornix, from which fornicti, the ancestor of fornication, is derived, meant �a
vault, an arch.� The term also referred to a vaulted cellar or similar place
where prostitutes plied their trade. This sense of fornix in Late Latin yielded
the verb fornicr, �to commit fornication,� from which is derived fornicti,
�whoredom, fornication.� Our word is first recorded in Middle English about
1303.

The damage done, I believe is when the intimacy is bankrupt of commitment. When there is no intention of a sustained relationship to honor the intercourse in all that it is meant to be. So like we wear clothes and keep our hands to ourselves, the same must be done with our emotional relationships.

I invoke emotional exchange and intercourse like one-night stands. I genuinely do care, I genuinely want to know who you are and to explore you. But rarely am I interested in sustaining and commiting to the intimacy. Not that it's anything wrong. In fact, I believe strongly in the strength of the self, not depending on others emotionally and getting yourself on your feet. I flirt and seduce with promises of intimacy, understanding and acceptance. And I do fulfil. Before moving on with my life again.

The result is great lonliness, and great betrayal. I think in a way, I don't know how to engage and to invest in others. And i'd really like to learn. This year I have been presented with a great number of relationships that I can invest in and really live in. I need to learn to fall in love.

So there's that, and this is a great segway into the point of life.
I'm lying in my bed on monday night wrestling with my weariness and fears of grades and the such (mind you, for a Singaporean, these are really real fears). Then God speaks.

Hannah, when will you learn to put me at the center?

This is the moment I've been waiting for. When God charges me with enjoining my head and heart. This isn't unlike the moment last year, around this time, when God called me to pray. I feel like I'm embarking on the third leg of a journey to love: Mind, Heart and now, Soul. The only difference is that now, I have no energy to be in jubilee, to wow myself over with great philosophical truisms. I'm a tired, homesick, second year arts student, struggling to keep her grades up, doing theatre, recovering and rebounding from a break-up.

Here is life. And here, I will learn to exist and to respond to the call to Love the Lord my God, with all my Heart, Mind and Soul.