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Thursday, October 20, 2005
Affirmative
It is sad that in the days when life must be most beautiful, I am not alive to experience the full extent of it. Curtis says that the slump is the direct result of chugging down 6 weeks of academic absinthe. All that hard work and density is killing me.
As Sarah notes, for me to be unconcerned about the fact that I might get 4 'D's on my transcript (for chinese, of course) and to be nonchalent about the mis-reading of my I/R Theory midterm, would be symptomatic of my weariness of school. Dang it. Graduate already.
But what all this leads me to is just a general sense of boredom and superficiality in my life. I am becoming plastic (although I'm sure there are people out there who would say that I have always been). I talk but I don't communicate. I talk out of habit, these are the things I talk about, these are the things I say, these are the things I do, these are the things that constitute the reflection of my identity to the world.
So more then anything else, I think this is taking a hit on my identity and as a result, my social interaction. Go on, tell me something I haven't heard before, give me a new paradigm. Even if you succeed, I probably won't have the energy to really care or engage in it. I look around and wonder why people care about half the things they care about. I look at myself and wonder the same thing.
I also have issues with difference. I remember telling Sarah once last year about have I have trouble seeing why people see things the way they do. She, in her bountiful grace, reassures me that this is just a by-product of careful deliberation and actualization of morality on issues that I encounter. But that's besides the point. I simply don't understand why people function the way they do sometimes. Not that I don't see their point of view, or see where their coming from, or see how they came about with various conclusions, or sympathize, or empathize, or excuse them... yet looking at all this and all that, and none of it makes sense to my little mind. I feel like I'm standing in a relational black hole. I want everything and everything gravitates towards me andfinallyendsupcrashinginonmeandcollaspingundertheweightofeverything.
Breathe.
So... I don't understand, I can't seem to be real, and I am bothered by it so I can't say that I don't care. But... yeah.... huh.... Talk to me now about anything existential and I'd rather be a chimpanzee.
la fee verte.
Here.
It is sad that in the days when life must be most beautiful, I am not alive to experience the full extent of it. Curtis says that the slump is the direct result of chugging down 6 weeks of academic absinthe. All that hard work and density is killing me.
As Sarah notes, for me to be unconcerned about the fact that I might get 4 'D's on my transcript (for chinese, of course) and to be nonchalent about the mis-reading of my I/R Theory midterm, would be symptomatic of my weariness of school. Dang it. Graduate already.
But what all this leads me to is just a general sense of boredom and superficiality in my life. I am becoming plastic (although I'm sure there are people out there who would say that I have always been). I talk but I don't communicate. I talk out of habit, these are the things I talk about, these are the things I say, these are the things I do, these are the things that constitute the reflection of my identity to the world.
So more then anything else, I think this is taking a hit on my identity and as a result, my social interaction. Go on, tell me something I haven't heard before, give me a new paradigm. Even if you succeed, I probably won't have the energy to really care or engage in it. I look around and wonder why people care about half the things they care about. I look at myself and wonder the same thing.
I also have issues with difference. I remember telling Sarah once last year about have I have trouble seeing why people see things the way they do. She, in her bountiful grace, reassures me that this is just a by-product of careful deliberation and actualization of morality on issues that I encounter. But that's besides the point. I simply don't understand why people function the way they do sometimes. Not that I don't see their point of view, or see where their coming from, or see how they came about with various conclusions, or sympathize, or empathize, or excuse them... yet looking at all this and all that, and none of it makes sense to my little mind. I feel like I'm standing in a relational black hole. I want everything and everything gravitates towards me andfinallyendsupcrashinginonmeandcollaspingundertheweightofeverything.
Breathe.
So... I don't understand, I can't seem to be real, and I am bothered by it so I can't say that I don't care. But... yeah.... huh.... Talk to me now about anything existential and I'd rather be a chimpanzee.
la fee verte.
Here.
Monday, October 17, 2005
ROOM FOR RENT
So Greg's decided to move out with Vlad, that leaves the 4 of us bereft without the man and the bird. Initially I was sent into a state of panic. I remember my immaterial self pounding failing fists onto the hardwood floor bemoaning the loss of the very comfortable status quo. Of course, victorious powers never seek change. But over dishes, I felt the Holy Spirit chide me. Just like He did the time I fought with Seth.
Why do you not trust me? I'm just frigging scared. I gave you this house didn't I? Yeah but you're unpredictable. I provided for you according to my riches in glory...
Taking to heart (and soul) Elim's words of encouragement, that she finds that when a roommate moves out, that is only God ensuring that the right person moves in.
So while we gingerly await phone calls and email's, I now bask in the providence of God.
Where I live
She I live with
Rhythm...
... and blues
Now here's an interesting chap.
So Greg's decided to move out with Vlad, that leaves the 4 of us bereft without the man and the bird. Initially I was sent into a state of panic. I remember my immaterial self pounding failing fists onto the hardwood floor bemoaning the loss of the very comfortable status quo. Of course, victorious powers never seek change. But over dishes, I felt the Holy Spirit chide me. Just like He did the time I fought with Seth.
Why do you not trust me? I'm just frigging scared. I gave you this house didn't I? Yeah but you're unpredictable. I provided for you according to my riches in glory...
Taking to heart (and soul) Elim's words of encouragement, that she finds that when a roommate moves out, that is only God ensuring that the right person moves in.
So while we gingerly await phone calls and email's, I now bask in the providence of God.
Where I live
She I live with
Rhythm...
... and blues
Now here's an interesting chap.
So here's where I live. I never really got round to sharing this with people in singapore but well.. here we are.
Oh and for people in Canada, the room for rent is the one in which Andre is uh... advertising for.
Oh and for people in Canada, the room for rent is the one in which Andre is uh... advertising for.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
"I wish I were Asian..."
~ Tony. After watching Hero.
So I have embarked on a little self-imposed immersion programme. I will watch Chinese movies, talk to chinese people and even take notes in Chinese.
After tonight's viewing, I realise how far away from reconcilation I am with the language and culture. Perhaps the fact that I am so enchanted by this romanticized imitation of "The Chinese" is telling of my breach with the Chinese Reality. Of anything real, that's chinese. Of anything Chinese, that's real.
"Yeah... I wish I were Asian too"
~ Me
Ten thousand years of Chinese history just died at me.
"Hannah... I think you're Asian"
~ Tony, an offer of encouragement.
Well, if God's in the process of restoration, I think I can emulate that.
Or at least die trying.
The Chinese way.
~ Tony. After watching Hero.
So I have embarked on a little self-imposed immersion programme. I will watch Chinese movies, talk to chinese people and even take notes in Chinese.
After tonight's viewing, I realise how far away from reconcilation I am with the language and culture. Perhaps the fact that I am so enchanted by this romanticized imitation of "The Chinese" is telling of my breach with the Chinese Reality. Of anything real, that's chinese. Of anything Chinese, that's real.
"Yeah... I wish I were Asian too"
~ Me
Ten thousand years of Chinese history just died at me.
"Hannah... I think you're Asian"
~ Tony, an offer of encouragement.
Well, if God's in the process of restoration, I think I can emulate that.
Or at least die trying.
The Chinese way.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
I finally feel like I'm at a place when I can start to give. The past 20 odds years have been a time of feeding, absorbing and learning. Not that that has, or should change, but I suddenly find myself in a position to feed to teach and to allow another to soak up what I have to offer. It isn't much but by the grace of God, it will be life-giving. I'm getting pretty stoked about this concept of spiritual multiplication.
----------------
In other news...
Shu and I had a hard-core wrestling match with Tony today. N'sync blasting like nobody's business, furniture pressed against the walls for fear of slipping into the line of fire, and cushions, bodies and breath flying around the room as shu and I fight(and succeed) to slam Tony to the ground.
He totally let us win.
----------------
In other news...
Shu and I had a hard-core wrestling match with Tony today. N'sync blasting like nobody's business, furniture pressed against the walls for fear of slipping into the line of fire, and cushions, bodies and breath flying around the room as shu and I fight(and succeed) to slam Tony to the ground.
He totally let us win.
I finally feel like I'm at a place when I can start to give. The past 20 odds years have been a time of feeding, absorbing and learning. Not that that has, or should change, but I suddenly find myself in a position to feed to teach and to allow another to soak up what I have to offer. It isn't much but by the grace of God, it will be life-giving. I'm getting pretty stoked about this concept of spiritual multiplication.
----------------
In other news...
Shu and I had a hard-core wrestling match with Tony today. N'sync blasting like nobody's business, furniture pressed against the walls for fear of slipping into the line of fire, and cushions, bodies and breath flying around the room as shu and I fight(and succeed) to slam Tony to the ground.
He totally let us win.
----------------
In other news...
Shu and I had a hard-core wrestling match with Tony today. N'sync blasting like nobody's business, furniture pressed against the walls for fear of slipping into the line of fire, and cushions, bodies and breath flying around the room as shu and I fight(and succeed) to slam Tony to the ground.
He totally let us win.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Lower your wings
Stop the noises, stop the hurry, and just learn to drink from the presence of God. Engage in discipline, hardship and truth. Whoever said that life was meant to be easy?
I had a wonderful conversation with Kathleen Blacklock today, she never fails to inspire me. And today I find myself with a profound desire and willingness to submissive to community (NOT organized religion). So instead of intellectualizating and systametizing my way out of authoratative discipline, I seek to die to myself.
God can handle your failures.
~ Kath.
The day isn't over yet.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I think, I can be beautiful again.
Almost.
Stop the noises, stop the hurry, and just learn to drink from the presence of God. Engage in discipline, hardship and truth. Whoever said that life was meant to be easy?
I had a wonderful conversation with Kathleen Blacklock today, she never fails to inspire me. And today I find myself with a profound desire and willingness to submissive to community (NOT organized religion). So instead of intellectualizating and systametizing my way out of authoratative discipline, I seek to die to myself.
God can handle your failures.
~ Kath.
The day isn't over yet.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I think, I can be beautiful again.
Almost.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Burn
I do not have enough faith to be the smallest, but I want to have enough faith to be the least. I am obsessed with getting things superficially right, to look good and to behave correctly. As opposed to being true.
I think God is dragging me into yet another phase in my life. So this summer I leave the whole existential liberal way-off-left-field in hopes of finding proper balance in my life. What does it mean to understand the nature of God and his fulfilment of the law instead of simply attempting to live a harsh legalistic life, bereft of the goodness of God?
I'm starting to return to the commandents of God and to the tradditions of the Chruch. Chrisitian culture must be understood for what it is: A Culture. Not the route to salvation, or of any consequence really, but rather the way in which the Gospel has made itself known to this WASPish generation.
But Truth. Now Truth transcends all culture, all time, all paradigm and is simply... Jesus. So we've got Truth and Tradition. And I think I can start to nestle back safely into life with both doing what they do, and being what they are.
And with me, being. But as it seems, the Holy Spirit is calling me to a deeper walk. But this time the question isn't just that of "be", but also "be with". Things are solidifying and truths are gradually being etched in.
To stand in the gap between the living and the dead, to take on the historical and figurative role of the 'High Priest', atoning for the sins of a shifting, unstable world, to an everlasting, unchanging God. Here, God never changed his nature for anyone.
The Calling of the church isn't to make God sensible to the World, but to transform the world to God.
There.
I do not have enough faith to be the smallest, but I want to have enough faith to be the least. I am obsessed with getting things superficially right, to look good and to behave correctly. As opposed to being true.
I think God is dragging me into yet another phase in my life. So this summer I leave the whole existential liberal way-off-left-field in hopes of finding proper balance in my life. What does it mean to understand the nature of God and his fulfilment of the law instead of simply attempting to live a harsh legalistic life, bereft of the goodness of God?
I'm starting to return to the commandents of God and to the tradditions of the Chruch. Chrisitian culture must be understood for what it is: A Culture. Not the route to salvation, or of any consequence really, but rather the way in which the Gospel has made itself known to this WASPish generation.
But Truth. Now Truth transcends all culture, all time, all paradigm and is simply... Jesus. So we've got Truth and Tradition. And I think I can start to nestle back safely into life with both doing what they do, and being what they are.
And with me, being. But as it seems, the Holy Spirit is calling me to a deeper walk. But this time the question isn't just that of "be", but also "be with". Things are solidifying and truths are gradually being etched in.
To stand in the gap between the living and the dead, to take on the historical and figurative role of the 'High Priest', atoning for the sins of a shifting, unstable world, to an everlasting, unchanging God. Here, God never changed his nature for anyone.
The Calling of the church isn't to make God sensible to the World, but to transform the world to God.
There.
