I am but I won't be. I think few people realise the power that their decisions have on the reality about them. Even more so in this (inter-)subjective world.

I've learnt (the hard way) not to fear or deny the emotions that instinctively surface at any given moment. But at the same time, not to grant them full sovereignty over any decision I make. There is a distinction between a signal and its source. One doesn't, for example, react to a fire alarm by dousing it with water.

A part of recognizing that life and reality isn't all that straight-forward and unitary, is understanding that we ourselves, as individual beings, aren't either.

So please, cut yourself some slack.

Album's out.

~ Lelove

But it is up to you to decide if you can work with that.

and suddenly, it all began to matter.

It is a new and subtle feeling to not be missing something or someone, to feel complete whole and balanced.

Things to do with my life:

1. French lessons
   
   Goal: Fluency
   Purpose: To be able to communicate with the Quebec boyfriend in his native language.
   
   
2. Chinese lessons
   
   Goal: Fluency
   
   Purpose: I am Chinese and since so much time, money and effort was spent on my learning the language 10 years ago, I'd like to make something of it. Also, I want to be able to understand Chinese law when I need to.
   
   
   
3. Dance lessons
   
   Goal: Performance
   Purpose: I've got to be able to do SOMETHING with my body, and I want to do it well.
   
   
4. Volunteer
   
   Goal: Here, and stints abroad
   
   Purpose: To give! And to enjoy myself whilst doing so. I've never been a fan of those short-term missions stints, but I think I could get into that, as long as I'm less of a bane than a boon.
   
   
5. Music
   
   Goal: Live in it
   
   Purpose: Because it really keeps me alive. Jam more, vocal lessons, listen more. More more more.
   

It's quite pointless worrying about the intangibles. Important as they may be, worrying seems to be the wrong approach, to anything at all, actually. Just move.

On a separate note, if you're not here, where are you that matters?

I wish someone would carry on the story of Susan Pevensie after the death of her family in the train crash which whisked them painlessly into Narnia at the dawn of the last battle. What happened to her? She who fell out of favour with C.S. Lewis, trading Narnia for lipstick and invitations, without her family or her past. I guess in some sense, it doesn't (shouldn't? wouldn't?) matter to the Narnians who, after all, have Aslan.

I envision her story to be one of heavy redemption, I guess. Not the epic magnificence that surrounded Edmond's redemption from the white witch, but a long-drawn out, complicated process that sighs and groans under the weight of reality, London, Earth. A tired woman in her forties perhaps, haunted by the betrayed beauty of a childhood past, helplessly entwined in who she is today, coming into grace of a different name. Because I guess, the shades in the shadowlands are still caused by slivers of scattered light.

I can't help but feel that we're all Susan and, as I mentioned over drinks and "Desperado" this evening, I resent the church for trying to simply life. All this clutter of how "god has a plan" etc, is all good and well, but it doesn't tell me how to live. God can have his plan but I have a life to live, and while I am delighted to live in the cradle of his plan it just isn't up to me to go about tip-toed trying to peek around for illumination.

Life is difficult, and we make the best of it.

I think I can finally look back at the ideas I had in my youth and understand their naivete. The challenge is to hold on to them and making them work today. Perhaps, it will be the process of ego-exfoliation that will finally make it all fit. Let's hope so.