I've Tried
But it's one missed step, one slip, before you know it.
Nope. No more. No way.
I believe the decision has been made for me.
Mel was right, maybe just leaving things allows the natural processes to take over and to sort things out. Maybe all issues have an internal sorting-out device built in. Or maybe it's just the passage of time that sweeps everything away into eventuality.
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.
So here's what's happened. And if it isn't going to be as I think it will be, the consequences sure as hell are irreversible. But this is final, for sure, definate. We take our lives into our hands, and our decisions have consequences.
I hope we can learn to live with ourselves.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Last night I found my self in Night, watching Shawn and Rohana be the Old Man and Old Woman from 'The Chairs'. Amidst the chatter about how to further the techniques of acting and movement, I found myself with the strangely familar.
Of two people, together, alone on an island, in a tower, for slow, long, aged years.
Of adsurbism, circles and bondage.
Of love and repulsion, sickness and darling.
Of Waiting.
This is not right.
Given half the chance I'd put a knife in your back and walk away. Breathe our last breath and decide to let the future rush in without even the scent of you. I look at myself and wonder if I need patience and long-suffering, or if I just simply need to wake up to the coffee and keep walking.
I can do either, it's just the wondering wandering process that gnaws at me.
Hurry up and show me what to do.
---
In the mean time, I love my job at the Yoga center. I come anytime, I leave anytime, I eat for however long, and do as much yoga as I want. I just wonder if I'm getting paid.
Ha, oh well.
Of two people, together, alone on an island, in a tower, for slow, long, aged years.
Of adsurbism, circles and bondage.
Of love and repulsion, sickness and darling.
Of Waiting.
This is not right.
Given half the chance I'd put a knife in your back and walk away. Breathe our last breath and decide to let the future rush in without even the scent of you. I look at myself and wonder if I need patience and long-suffering, or if I just simply need to wake up to the coffee and keep walking.
I can do either, it's just the wondering wandering process that gnaws at me.
Hurry up and show me what to do.
---
In the mean time, I love my job at the Yoga center. I come anytime, I leave anytime, I eat for however long, and do as much yoga as I want. I just wonder if I'm getting paid.
Ha, oh well.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Gage
It's funny how 'home' transitions.
I am home now, but in moments when nostalgia brings me back to 3 months ago, and I become 3 months younger, I yearn for the home that was you.
This makes me brave.
It means that I'll be ok, wherever, whenever.
---
I am happy when I do yoga. To feel my God-given body being pushed further into wholeness, to be relaxed into plup. I feel like I'm exploring this whole new physical universe which is me. I do think God intended us to be more aware of our bodies. And this has just been awesome.
I understand that a lot of christians have issues with the concept of Yoga, it being spiritual and having its roots in hinduism.
I understand the need for caution.
But taking thing into broad historical context here, everything is spritual and has it's roots in paganism. Who came up with the dichotomy of spiritual and non-spiritual anyway? Are we not all under the creation of One God? The spiritul and physical are all interconnected. And so I wouldn't use the excuse that yoga isn't spiritual becuase it IS. So is everything else. But likewise I do not ascribe to the notion that because it has it's roots in Hinduism, it is inappropriate (read: bad) for me to engage in this art form.
Well, if that were true, then christians should by no means engage in theatre of any form. After all, theatre was first and foremost a form of worship to the Greek pantheon. A ritual performed at the festival of Dionysis before the drunken orgy commenced. And stay away especially from masks of any kind, since masks were first used to represent gods, ensuring that the wrath of the real gods would not fall upon the actor.
Also, we should shy away from rock music of anykind. After all, rock and roll had it's roots in sex and drugs. God forbid that we engage in anything related to such decadence. Perhaps we shouldn't listen to groups such as hillsongs, Thirdday, DC talk...
And while we're at it, lets stay away from the Book of Genesis as well. Why, most of it's stories are adaptaions of surrounding mesopotamian myth that pre-existed long before the nation of Israel was called. Noah came from Atrahasis, The Ten commandments seem to be a watered down from of Hamurabi's Law... why even the creation story in Chapter one echos Enumah Elish, the creation epic that talks of Tiamat and Apsu, with Murduk (the Babylonian Deity) coming to power over the Gods.
Oh well... in the spirit of Romans 14, let us just worship and live.
---
I think I'm learning how to live again.
But decisions will have to be made, maybe Dogville style, but what must be done will be done.
Good night world.
It's funny how 'home' transitions.
I am home now, but in moments when nostalgia brings me back to 3 months ago, and I become 3 months younger, I yearn for the home that was you.
This makes me brave.
It means that I'll be ok, wherever, whenever.
---
I am happy when I do yoga. To feel my God-given body being pushed further into wholeness, to be relaxed into plup. I feel like I'm exploring this whole new physical universe which is me. I do think God intended us to be more aware of our bodies. And this has just been awesome.
I understand that a lot of christians have issues with the concept of Yoga, it being spiritual and having its roots in hinduism.
I understand the need for caution.
But taking thing into broad historical context here, everything is spritual and has it's roots in paganism. Who came up with the dichotomy of spiritual and non-spiritual anyway? Are we not all under the creation of One God? The spiritul and physical are all interconnected. And so I wouldn't use the excuse that yoga isn't spiritual becuase it IS. So is everything else. But likewise I do not ascribe to the notion that because it has it's roots in Hinduism, it is inappropriate (read: bad) for me to engage in this art form.
Well, if that were true, then christians should by no means engage in theatre of any form. After all, theatre was first and foremost a form of worship to the Greek pantheon. A ritual performed at the festival of Dionysis before the drunken orgy commenced. And stay away especially from masks of any kind, since masks were first used to represent gods, ensuring that the wrath of the real gods would not fall upon the actor.
Also, we should shy away from rock music of anykind. After all, rock and roll had it's roots in sex and drugs. God forbid that we engage in anything related to such decadence. Perhaps we shouldn't listen to groups such as hillsongs, Thirdday, DC talk...
And while we're at it, lets stay away from the Book of Genesis as well. Why, most of it's stories are adaptaions of surrounding mesopotamian myth that pre-existed long before the nation of Israel was called. Noah came from Atrahasis, The Ten commandments seem to be a watered down from of Hamurabi's Law... why even the creation story in Chapter one echos Enumah Elish, the creation epic that talks of Tiamat and Apsu, with Murduk (the Babylonian Deity) coming to power over the Gods.
Oh well... in the spirit of Romans 14, let us just worship and live.
---
I think I'm learning how to live again.
But decisions will have to be made, maybe Dogville style, but what must be done will be done.
Good night world.
