Friday, September 10, 2004

Me: I can't pray alone
DW: Have you tried praying with God?

Thank god for that 5% of communication that does succeed.
I am so very happy.
Things are going so well.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004


So I surf, and the nosey little louse inside gets to me and I just have to do a little sniffing around. For reasons that are unjustifyable to myself.

I come across adjectives such as "Hypocritical" glaring in my direction along with accusations that I had "lost integrity in [my] dealings with people in [my] daily life".

Within come a myrid reactions. The first being confusion and amusment. In a bid to live a life as transparent as possible to the world around me, I certainly did not see being called a hypocrite coming round the bend. But it happened anyway.

How odd.

So I think about it, and then realised that from their perspective, it probably does seem like I am a hypocrite. Afterall, they would never know my conviction on the overhead bridge on opening night. How the divine put me back in my place. How I compartmentalize people and life, somewhat even beyond my own understanding.

From this angle, I can say that I have not been hypocritical, albeit them being justified in their feelings.

On second thought, I guess I can say that I am hypocritical. We all are. What with all that was going on under the table during CG, I can hardly say that I stand alone in this department. But this isn't about anyone else but me. I have to learn greater transparency. But even so, Love is above wisdom. The human head is in control, for the good of the human heart.

My other reaction was targeted not so much at the sentiment of the content but rather its form - The internet.

As an MCMer once chided me on my inappropriate use of public domain, I cannot help but be extra-sensitive to who is saying what and where. I think what bothers me most is how being so closely connected to a specific medium of communication hasn't helped in nurturing greater sensitivity and maturity with regards to the internet. It's so dangerous.

Crypt is good.

But anyway, all said and done -

"It is easier to bitch then to understand" ~ Shulin

God forbid I take the easy way out.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Dear God,

You're pretty nifty, I'd say.

I am blessed beyond measure
and by his grace alone I overcome.

God has been immeasurely good to me. If I were to list out every good thing that He has done for me, it would take forever. And I bet i'd still miss something out.

Though let me clarify that the joy I am experiencing is not happiness or comfort. I am content, but being sick, unsure, unsettled, fearful, confused and all that jazz doesn't warrent my present state of being to be 'happy'. No. That would be an understatement.

Joy unspeakable, Peace that surpasses all understanding, and a Love that just goes way over my head.

There's something about Mary.

Dennis tells me I'm that Mary. That there's something about me that draws people to me. Let me say this though:

Everytime I say something nice about myself on my blog, or recount the nice things that people say about me, it isn't done in all naive innocence.

In all honesty, it is a clear reflection of my brokenness, fear, insecurity and desire to be loved and accepted.

I'm only human.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Desperate Love

I love you desperately.
I desperately love you.

I've moved into gage under the most ideal situations and things are going well. I'm ill and a little disettled still but I know things will go well.

I'm too ill to understand the full extent of my confusion.

Desperately, I love you.