Sorry. But I really really really can't talk right now...
Let me just stammer through my day.

I really cannot stand it when people don't keep left on the escalators. When people have no social awareness. When people don't apologise for bumping into you. When people are self-centered. When people have no conception of other world-views. When people have no sense of responsiblity or professionalism. When people can't accept difference. When people turn their inability to understand into phobia or disgust. When people don't really know themselves. When people resfuse to try to bridge cultural gaps, or to even acknowledge them. When people cannot see others as indivduals of equal worth. When people turn their fear and insecurity into cold shields and sharp weapons.

Looking at all that, I wonder how I live with myself.

 

For the record, I keep left on escalators, and apologise when I bump into people.

I try to understand others, and see what they see.

I try to accept everyone, but I don't know how to balance that with my belief system.

I only want to know myself, and different world-views

I think people are all worth the same, I just have to believe it.

Different is beautiful too.

I am a cultural gap.

I am selfish and self-centered, especially when I'm comfortable and tired.

I try to do away with fear and insecurity all together.

 

 

 

But I fall short

 

"What am I doing in an office, making a contemptuous, begging fool of myself , when all I want is out there, waiting for me the minute I say I know who I am!"
Biff ~ Death of a salesman
By Arther Miller

And if there's anything I want in the whole wide world right now, it's got to be wisdom.

I want to understand and be connected.
Then maybe I'd know what to do with myself.

Sociology 100

Writing that term paper on being Chinese has proved a waste of time.
So what if I got an A?
I'm back in the hub of Asia, and I feel like a circus freak show.
I really don't know how to live in my skin.

Where is my culture?

What I really like about being 20, an undergrad, and a temp is that it ultimately doesn't matter. I don't have to prove myself, I have nothing to prove and there's no one I need to impress.

I can just do my best and not let these things get in the way.

I want to learn Mandrian, to the point of utmost fluency.
I want to learn Cantonese and Hokkien.
I don't want to be bound by any culture or place.
I want to be able to communicate and blend.
I want to be sensitive .
 
I want power.
 
Working, I've learnt that:

• Speaking fluent English isn't necessarily an advantage. Only if it's the main medium of communication.
• That arrogance is sometimes used as a personal tool. To make oneself feel more superior then what he really perceives himself to be. I don't think it is fair to condemn a person for his pride, especially if he has no reason to be. He just might need it to survive.
• Each person is as valuable and despensible. No one deserves more respect then another.
• That respect ought to be given in terms of the value of the individual. And if you really look hard we're all worth the same. Tea-lady or boss, I don't think it's moral to differentiate.
• Really, maybe if people were treated as adults and individuals, coupled with genuine love and respect, we might just achieve a lot more then red-tape paternalism.
• It's important to distinguish between the worth of the individual and the worth of his work and what you're dealing with.

Hell, I could never be a lawyer.  Could I?

Relationships are dynamic. Ever-changing and moving. Breathing with great life. They cannot be controlled, only molded. Give a chance and grow a garden. You're just a tool, not the wellspring of life. You cannot and do not, own any relationship.
 
I think we'd all do much better if we tried letting go.
 
 

I'm blogging in my office now. Highly not right though I'd like to think myself responsible enough to do whatever I want and yet do my job well. I'm working hard, and coming back from being overseas, I don't entirely like the idea of adhereing to rules or regulations. They don't help the individual, they just restrain him for the sake of the system.
 
Now I seek to be an individual whose personal choices independent from the regulations are responsible and progressive, contributing to the greater scheme of things.
 
I'd like to see myself as an adult with the sense to do what's best for everyone. Hence my slight distaste for paternalistic rules.
 
This is my little righteous rebellion.
 
Like wearing school socks in TKGS never made me a  better person, not blogging during work will not make me a better worker.
 
Do I make sense? Or am I just desperate to justify myself?

It's hard growing up and leaving the world that you used to know behind you.
It's even harder when there's a gap of 8 months inbetween when your world no longer grows with you.
 
And it's hard when people assume that you're the same. And that you're fine. And only talk about the weather in Vancouver.
 
And it's hard when people grow up, and when love becomes selfish, and for that,
you just can't let go.
 
"I'd like you to be my DGL."
~YX
 
I'd like that a lot too.
To give.
 
But only for selfish reasons.
 

I realise that blogging does terrible things to me. It removes my ability to express myself to normal people within normal relationships. I'd hate to see this place die though. And i'd like to keep reflecting.
 
Today was a bad day.
 
It was tough and trying no doubt.
On my capacity to love and to be a person.
 
But I'd like to remind myself that discipline is a form of love, greater then superficial blessings.
 
Pure Passion
 
And I was thinking, that the physical, even (or especially) your physical body, does not matter. Set your mind above it. It's hardly worth the trouble.
 
Oh Canada
 
So far away. Tragic. And totally out of my control.
Not my problem, but for love, maybe it is.
 
Then again, my problem is that it's always about me.
 
I think, God's trying to teach me, once again...
 
That I'm seriously, not that big.