Saturday, October 08, 2005

After coffee with Sarah, I have found that I neither have time nor resources to be angry, petty and distressed.

There is no place for fear... in anyone's life.
Just be.

Friday, October 07, 2005

This period has been a time of nostalgia. It feels like the interlude between the old and the new, the winter between two seasonal cycles. It feels like a dirge put in place to deal with the passing of the old and the ushering of a new form of existance.

One that I believed was solidified over coffee today in the Beanery. Connection and conversation, individuality and insecurity. Anyway, I ran into Seth, who currently works there. And I think I've lost him. I miss the soft humour, awkward slant, misty blue eyes.

Death comes to all.
So we dig the dirt, bury what we have to, and move on.

Anyway, the previous two entries were the result of coming back from a concert in Seattle. uh, I just thought I'd throw in some concrete information instead of just rattling away abstractly. It was Shane and Shane and David Crowder.

my soul is rested.
I miss you so.

Feels like forever.

Sometimes, in my moments of self-conciousness, I wish that you were here to watch me live my life, and have me close as your own. You'd be proud, you'd be pleased and amazed. Growth journeys are amazing to chart, and I do wish that you were here to witness this, what I've become and the direction that I'm headed.

I understand though, that our seperation was necessary for my growth. Riding in the back seat of Peter's van across the boarder into America, playing hotseat with people who resonate with difference as opposed to who I am, I started to feel a desire for home and familarity again. Being with you in a small confined space of a moving vehicle, without the fear and responsibility of decision making and choice. Of being that 16 year old again, tucked away in some oblivious concer of comfort.

I renouce that yearning and stick on to my present. This is my life, I am who I want to be, and that I have taken that journey predominantly without your tangible presence (albeit not without your influence), has altered the shape of my existance and being. I understand that I will never go back to where we once were, and to the relationship that sustained me all this years, but it's for the better.

And I'm sure, at the end of the day, that it has been all good. I will yearn and I will occasionally slip into despondency. But such moments will only serve to foil my present existance, will only serve to point me toward giving glory to the One who has made this all possible, beautiful. Growth is never painless, but the beauty of life resides in journey though.

it hurts to remember...


~ Pre-rock opera David Crowder warm up.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I yearn for you, I will wait on you, and I miss you.

"I just want to have dinner with my wife"
~ David Crowder talking of a friend.

I understand, I miss my God and my life.

What's your favourite verse?
Haggai 1:9
~ Tony, me.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Can't take my eyes off you.

I woke up feeling like a soggy piece of tissue
I believe it's illness setting in of some sort.

I went though the day very much alive.
I realise the effect I am having on people.

-if you want to impress people, tell them your sucesses
-if you want to impact people, tell them your failures.

When will this end? When will this start?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Run for the cure

Or stroll, hobble, shuffle, bleed and drink.

So today I drag my sorry little body out of bed at 7.15 am to meet Graydon at the busstop, along with 22 of his hung-over friends, to do a charity race.

"You'd probably know the streets of Richmond better hey?"
~ Jabez

To cut a long story short, I enjoyed being on the periphery of a very different world once again. It was kinda like being in 5555 Toronto road last year, when all the boys were over, drunk and high. I recognise difference and have found my very comfortable spot in the spectrum of diversity. I have found tools to combat my fears towards 'the other', thanks to Robbay, Cathy, The Navs, Graydon and many other wonderful people in my life.

And I was thinking about it once I hopped off the number 4, how my mode of interaction with difference has evolved. I think that the only way to deal with the clash of civilizations is awareness. Awareness of who you are, awareness of who the other is and awareness of the choices that we make in reference to all this.

Difference is never a problem. It's a beautiful state of being.

So today despite the social awkwardness on my part for being absolutely unable to identify with these people, much less talk to them, I had a smashing time. I am amazed by their acheivement and contribution towards this cause and have been challenged to be more proactive about my life.

"You're Passive"
~ Culver

I think life has much less to do with being socially acceptable as it is with recognizing the truth about your identity. Making active decisions to act, to live and to be. We have so much more control over our existance then society wants us to believe and part of that entails decisions over how we are to exist together.

I think I'm seeing how I can stand frim in the full knowledge of who I am while reaching over the gulf of difference and connecting with people.

Love becomes sharper and deeper when it is grounded in reality and truth.

"No, I'm a nerd, and you're a dork with a drinking problem... and lots of cool friends."
~ Me to my buddy.

Oh whatever.
Life is too awesome.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Autumn leaves start to fall.

It's fall.
Everything is regal gold and fiery red.
Yellow veils descend upon wanton families.

The living room cushions aired and breathing with late night conversations.
Taylors ringing and voices singing.
Coffeeshops coming into being.

I need more sleep.

But the point of this all, is to convey the fact that although Hannah left and never came home, the walk from my busstop back to 4822 was all. worth. it.

My life is brilliant.
My love, pure.