Saturday, May 14, 2005

I've had my fun, Baby I'm done...

Not at all. It's good to be back and to see old things new. It's strange to be a stranger to the familar. It's strange when home decides to look at you differently. A lot of things running though my mind and I feel like my arms aren't long enough to wrap myself nicely around these... issues.

It just confirms that a moment of truth is exactly that. A moment.
It's probably not going to remain true forever, not tomorrow, not 2 or 8 months later.
And seriously, we're all guilty of this.

Just that, as Curtis says, "this is a story you're living, and I want you to live it well."

What's going on?

Please let me come home.
I'm back. In hot demand and in love.
Missing people back home and generally feeling very torn.
Where am I, who am I.

Blah. lets just keep going.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I'm covered with bruises. I realise that skateboarding has taken a greater toil on my body then I realise. But it was worth it and it was good.

I'm covered with bruises. I realise that me dating him has taken a greater toil on my life then I realise. But it was worth it and it was good.

I feel let down in grace. I guess I cannot expect the same level of magnamity from someone who has a completely different world view. Grace commanded by love looks very different when compared to a person living for himself. Grace didn't exist between us for the past 3 days.

But above all, I've learnt to love despite. The entire world (myself included) tells me to stop in my tracks and to meet each tooth and eye with just deserts. Thank you Lord, for the command to love. I would be so lost without it.

In retrospect, I discover that letting go was very easy becuase I quickly learnt that what we had wasn't built on truth, that half the whispered promises and declarations had no basis, and that as in love as I was, it just wasn't enough. I am headed for so much more.

I'm perfectly happy to extend as much love as I can, within the boundaries of being an ex-girlfriend. It hurts to see rejection and disdain in a person's attitude but that really isn't my problem. My first instinct is to blurt out harsh observations hurtfully, with the intent to wound. I instead find within broken myself the desire and ability to let it go. I understand that it has nothing to do with my person, my worth and my identity. I'm learning to live with the fact that people are people and that they react in certain ways. I'm not denying that I'm hurt and angry, but I've been told to Love, and Love I will.

And the most amazing thing is that I think I have really learnt what it means to love, and how to go about doing it.

Oops. God has funny ways of revealing truths and reminding us that not everything is as it seems.


Monday, May 09, 2005

I'm back from manitoba.
I fell in love.

I learned how to skateboard on tuesday, and by thursday, I was attempting the halfpipe.
"You've got more balls then a lot of guys I know"
~ Brennan (Awesome man-mountain that taught me to skate).

Shared my life with Konrad, with whom I skated with and had a pudding eating competition.
Drooled over Aaron's film software, and watched him snort jello up his nose.
Giggled with Rebecca, a lot.
Discovered that I had more relationships then i realised.

Then Jesus came walking by. Be stopped by where I was seated and said: Drop your nets and fallow me.

So I did.

Antwhere, anytime, anyplace, anyone.... any price. Here's my life. Send me.
I think this is the begining of a new era, one where I am dead to myself and live solely for the person of christ.

On the way home, I sat next to 22-year-old Rob, whom I fell in love with too. He's a homeless man who sells dope for a living, steals boats to pretend that he's a pirate, dreams of climbing mount everest, has 666 tattooed on his right arm and a cobra on the other. He spoke of peace and freedom, that which he searches for, the samuri swords he's wielded, the bullet his friend took for him and compared the prison conditions in B.C. and Ontario. I told him about Jesus, prayed that he would find his lost luggage and meditated on his presence. At Golden, the Navigators gave him a care-package. Considering he was lost, without his luggage, in the mountains, with no one to call, with no money to live on. He didn't seem to mind much, he's a tough Guy. But well, I hope to run into him when i get back in july. I will prowl downtown vancouver, looking for the familar lip-ring.

Over the course of this year, I became an adult.