Saturday, August 30, 2008

Had a lot of fun. Thank you Jin, and Jenst, and Tim and Mark and Andrew.

Friday, August 29, 2008

OOoooohhh!!!! Watch my respect and regard go down the drain.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I want to be sure, and to act with decisiveness.

Just because you're strong and loud and mainstream, does not mean that you are right.

What is truth? What does rightness mean?

It would be pointless to search for the right answer (or approach) I guess. I've seen too many opinions and experiences. What encapsulates us and makes us one? If we can find that, maybe we can find 'truth'. And no, don't give me that humanity/human race we are all one shit. That's like saying we're all united by carbon - all hail carbon. Carbon is the answer. If you get too big and vague, there can be no meaningful application.

So, I can't/won't find any answer. But I want to be decisive. I don't want to waffle, and I don't want to bend to whatever people say. I also don't want to be arrogant, closed-minded, stubborn and myopic about my stance, simply because, it cannot be fully right. When the latter happens, people no longer have conversations, they just talk - loudly, without listening. Why? Because being wrong hurts. Not only is it painful admitting that you're wrong, but there's a pretty high chance that you've built a bit of your identity around the position that you've adopted. So being wrong means having your identity shaken.

I just want to be gracious while being strong. To understand and empathize, even if I disagree. To understand that there is a person behind the opinion - it doesn't mean that I must patronize and agree, but it should lead me to be gentle in the presentation of my ideas.

I don't know. I've got a stake in this bubble called truth too, and it could hurt me. I am water. I take the path of least resistance, but I still am. And I absorb stuff along the way.
I already miss my brother terribly.

This summer has been about growth and rest, about being weary and yet finding rejuvenation. It was about retreating and moving forward, about letting go and moving on. And even if I can't, at least I know which direction I need to go. I lost of bearings for a while - necessarily - and it cleared my mind from the images that I had painted for myself. They weren't wrong, but they were painted too hastily. As if I were painting what I had heard in the distance instead of what I would actually see. But I think I've taken a step back for a step forward.

Over worship practice I discovered an unapologetic drive for excellence - and I know where to find it. Jeff reminded me that both hate and love lead to hurt, so I must be careful to invest these emotions (state of beings?) wisely - I think I've wasted too much on the Drummer, and sometimes I fear that I've lost too much, and am losing still. I am grateful for being able to actually choose my idea of good, instead of having it been handed to me. The structures of ignorance go deep, but should I let that dim the beauty that I might share? I hold on too tightly to life, forgetting that there is more.

I feel heavy and trance-like, as if I've been spending all my energy rearranging the furniture in my head. I talk to myself, coaxing, calming and cajoling myself to get out and be. I need a lot of affirmation.

This has been a great summer, and this will be a good year. Deeper and quieter. I am yearning for goodness again.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Today was fun. A lot of things happened that were enjoyable, that made me happy and excited.

1. Worship practice in Church with just my brother and I. Just two voices that blend. I rarely get to experience music this way.

2. Going to my brother's 'concert' at Kovan CC, and running into a million and one people, including the poor chap I embarrassed on the MRT on the way home.

GLG: You look familiar. You're the girl I tried to give my seat to on the MRT... I thought you were pregnant... it was the dress.


3. Deciding to jam with my brother, at the bus stop. Receiving applause from the security guard and other onlookers who had stopped in their tracks to listen. They asked for more. Oh public acceptance is nice.