Saturday, October 16, 2004

Friday, I'm in love.

The week is over and I'm exhausted. Positively drained. I'm skipping nav night for the sake of History 125 and my sanity. I almost thank God that Triad is cancelled tomorrow so I can actually get some work done, and that I can't go to church since I have to do the Cherry Orchard make up. Come to think of it, since skipping prayer meeting this morning, the exec meeting on Sunday evening will be the most social Christian-oriented activity I'll be involved in this week.

The reception of truth is more important then it's explicit establishment.

This is my thesis for the day.

It doesn't matter if absolute truth is successfully established. It is only worth anything if it is has been consciously and deliberately integrated with the identity of the individual. God, I believe is concerned with that. If He were only interested in the estasblishment of truth in structure and in the cosmos, he would've done away with humanity during the flood, he wouldn't have allowed for the choice of the Fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and evil.

What is truth? What is the root of right and wrong? What is the basis for morality in the Christian life? - God. His nature, His being. He is the essence of truth. He defines truth. It is his character. Now look at man who has been commanded to love the Lord his God with all his Heart, Mind and Soul. Surely then, God having fashioned us after his own image would have the archetypes of the Heart, Mind and Soul. If I dare suggest, perhaps careering on the edge of pride and indulgent self-interest, that we could see His Soul, who He is as harboring the Nature of Truth and his Mind as the intelligent architect of his perfect plan = the Implementation of Truth.

And finally, and most essential to me at this point in time of my life, God's heart. We see his nature as the essence, and his mind as the constructor, where does his heart play in all this? Where is His heart focused on? I would suggest, that His heart is for the people. It was his Heart of love that kept humanity from eternal damnation. So here, His heart is the Director and Fulfiller of Truth. It is his heart that dictates the point and reason for such truth in his creation.

And it is here that I see God's desire for his Truth to be established not in churches or in christianized institutions of the State or in Religion, but rather, in the hearts of his People. And in order to do so, they have to understand and accept this truth. This understanding does not necessarily have to be cerebral or acedemic. It only has to make sense to the soul, for faith to be planted by the Grace and Gift of the Holy Spirit. God exists on a higher plane of reality, one that is more real then the world as we know it. One that is sure, firm and unambigious. And by His grace he brings us up to this reality to meet and commune with him. It is beyond understanding, and yet beyond doubt.

But in order for us to meet God there, in His holiness and extra-natural reality, He had to meet us first - Jesus. Here then, God takes the stand that it is more important to be Human then to be Godly (courtesy of Seth). Here then, we would naturally run into sticky issues of semantics and definitions that Derrida (the lately late father of Postmodernist thought) rightly ascribed that we would contend with. But I strive to make things simple. What does it mean to be Godly and what does it mean to be human? In the case of the Virgin Brith, we see the almighty God putting aside his Heavenly glory to collaspe himself into a zygote, what else could be more frail and depsensible? By today's definition, God wouldn't even make the mark that would quailfy his as a Human being. But the greatest wonder of all is God walking amongst the wicked, intimately jostling with the scum of Humanity, veiling his identity and restricting himself.

To what end? To bring Truth to the hearts of the people.

To ensure that truth can be fulilled in living hearts. Forget the establishment of right and wrong. Forget the Law. Forget the great debates pertaining to denominational conflcit. Forget the State's decision to legalize Gay marriages. Forget Marilyn Mason. Forget Abortion. Forget Swearing, Shooting up and Sex. What are we, as recievers of His grace called to do? To be like Jesus. And Jesus brought truth to the people. How? Not by damnation. Not by restriction. Not by coercion or force. But by the internal transformation of a being. A precious, living being.

My point is, it matters not what we do. But who we are. If we center ourselves on His soul and seek to understand his mind while feeling His heart. His truth will be established in our lives. It is a truth whose foundations go deeper then any institution or tradition can ever conceive. And from there we learn to live. We live in a post-modern world. The rising trend of Globalization and pluralism is something that we cannot contend with. It is the superstructure of our times and Christians had better come to a solid grasp on that. Gay marriages will happen. The family unit will disintegrate and every other Sodomic sin conceivable will become the norm in our society. We cannot waste our time away attempting to change society and these institutions. Society and institutions don't matter to God. People do.

People need the truth.

Not just stuctures, norms, values and tradition. But Real Truth. One whose essense is Founded in the Soul of God. And by His heart and Love, it will be fulfilled. By His infinite mind it's structure will be fashioned uniquely for each individual.

So how are we to live? As with how we are to love God. With our hearts souls and minds. In that way, our entire lives will be a love song to God. Fullfiled, deliberate and essential. So we know God (soul), we understand his truth (mind), and now we have to fulfil it (heart).

And this is how we have to approach people. With our hearts for they are beings, not constructions that can be won over with the sheer power of the mind. Draw them in. Engage with them. Only then will the message of truth be willingly heard and fulfilled. As Christ did for us, we have to do for others.

*deep breath*
I'm not complaining, I'm not backing down, I'm not about to run away.

I've taken a lot on this term, more then I can handle:
6.5 courses, 3 of which involve insane readings, research papers etc etc.
The nav night team, planning logistically is not my thing.
Theatre. 2.5 of my courses, this involves a lot of outside show watching, which involves a lot of retarded planning. I make things difficult for myself.
Relationships. One that's particularly intense and deep, and that's not including the endless cups of coffee I am obliged to consume.
Apart from all that, i have a ton of things to think about. Christmas, Uncle Ron, Leaders summit. Alpha ...

So prior to my Hist 125 tutorial (which I had failed to do the readings for), I mused about for a while.

"Lord, I'm stepping into this with a clear understanding that I am unable to handle the richness and velocity of my life, and that I can only be victorious and succeed through you.

You alone, lord, have to carry me through, you alone are soveriegn and great. You are my strength and center."

I tend to forget that pretty often and find myself, once again, grappling for explict and overt accpetance and attention. What am I coming to? There is only one center around which I can confidently constuct my being. And relationships are not going to take that place. it has to be God.

Friday, October 15, 2004


I have been proven over and over again that honesty and transparency is the best. To hell with pride and self-image. There are so many things in life that are more important then one's unbroken veneer of perfection.

I just cleared up an honestly innocent stupid comment I made. And as clearing up and confronting mistakes always seem like a bucketload of pain, this was pretty brutal too. Especially if you live with the guy, and you don't know him too well.

But it was good though. Knocking timidly on his door, recounting the incident, looking incredibly stupid and feeling the blood shine abashedly though my cheeks.


Lay it all out. Be real and transparent for all the world to see. Be genuine and honest. Put your heart out on your sleeve, better yet, deconstruct it for them in case they don't get it. Let them know. Huntington only got half the story right. It isn't the differences in civilizations that will cause the next global war, or any other reason for that matter. It's the fact that people don't understand, don't know, don't realise.

There is no axis of evil, no bad 'states', nothing subjective of that sort. There is only a lack of understanding. If we could all lay down our lenses for a moment and tried to understand and made efforts to clear up all possible misunderstanding. I think we'd get along a lot better that way.
Huntington and the Clash of Civilizations.

So i just had this discussion in class about this article.
So Huntington simplifies people too much, damning their beings to an internal cultural prison of non-autonomous thought and action.

I think we simplify Huntington too much.

There IS a clash of civilization in my opinion, just not in the way that we see it to be. Not in the violent clash of arms and anger, but in the latent attitudes, subconscious understanding and globally socialized norms within which we function. Sure perhaps it will never escalate into a full-fledged global war based on intrinsic cultural differences, but it has weighty implications none the less.

"People don't define themselves that way."

How can we assume that people don't when we're the dominant group here? In Singapore, I don't think of my chineseness. But here in Canada, I am distinctly aware of my race. Despite me being nationalistically Canadian, being unable to speak the chinese language, being a part of the Christain faith, and dating a white guy.

I am Chinese.

We cannot say that people do not define themselves by their race or culture when we are not in a position that requires us to do so.

With the rise of globalization, yes we will converge. Yes technology and communication will give rise to a global culture. But simultaniously, it will make bring up cultural differences in stark and cutting ways. We are different.

I won't fight for my race, I will fight for my faith, I won't fight for Singapore or Canada, I won't do a lot of things for what ought to define me.

But it doesn't mean that I do not approach things from a distinctly different angle.

I can't ask for anything pertaining to that. I just am.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


It's fall and it isn't raining. That means the rusty trees are stark against the cloudless skies, and that the carpet of leaf litter is dry and crispy. Walking over the little plots of confined grass, deliberately avoiding the concrete slabs, listening to the crinkle and rustle of a dying season while soaking in the earthy sweet aroma of fall, it isn't hard to live in the moment. It isn't hard to find peace and gloriously bask in the liberal ideals of life.

Thank you God for your Creation.
More importantly, thank you God for You.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

...I thought I knew you well"

It gets hard sometimes, reconciling expections and reality. Like G-love once noted on his blog the disappointment he faces with relationships, I cannot help but feel that I've let some relationships down. Or worse, they've let me down.

"Be mine."

I have expositions on the abstractions of commitment and effort and what-have-you-nots that pertain to successful healthy relationships, and I could muse endlessly on my desire and longing to establish such. The result, I smugly suggest, of my generous and most appropriate attempt in having a tender human heart. New concept to me.

But no, I serve only to kick myself in the head. Because in falsifying and creating pleasentville, I retract into Egypt. I have a fixed notion of what things ought to be. But I understand wrong.

I don't understand at all.

I shouldn't.

The heart does not speak in the language of the mind, it goes beyond that and seeks an actualization of truth that fulfils rather then articulates.

I will come to terms with my difference and my anomalish nature.
And Love; and be.

Monday, October 11, 2004

"It's almost like a disease."

Having a heart means being vulnerable, but yet not being insecure. There are times when I am so tempted to retreat back into the Egypt of my mind and restrict myself severely from life. I have yet to learn the art of balance Or maybe, I should just sleep, and stop kicking myself in the head.

"Write your soul down word for word."
You won't be mine ~ Matchbox 20

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Give and take

That's what I'm learning to do now. Healthy balance Hannah, it's all in the balance. I've been very stressed lately. A lot of work to do. A lot of people to Love. A lot to be. I need more strength then this little human frame can comprehend.


Happy birthday Idol. You're growing more and more beautiful each day. It's been a joy being a part of your life. I only want things to grow. You dropped in during a very strange period of my life. I hope you sit around till I straighten out.

Grant me.
This much. Whatever your heart has for me. Whatever your will. Strength, Wisdom and Grace. More humanity, please. I'd like a heart.

"What more in the name of Love?"
In the name of love ~ U2

Burn baby, burn.