Saturday, March 26, 2005


I fondle with the idea of spilling and sharing. I am a universe yet to be explored by myself. I delve deep into the underground to find the heart of the earth. I forget the flowers. Themselves oblivious of the soil that souls them . Wading life-deep in the muddy waters, the lillies choke me.

I forget the flowers

Why should they matter?
How could they matter?

Nameless confetti.
I sleep in the mother earth and hate her children.

Only because they are but the lifeless life-giving aliens that pass me by.

How does such the meaningless vessel contain so much meaning?
Here, great treasures life in jars of clay.

And such heart in flowers.

Friday, March 25, 2005


In the midst of bad grades and sociological torture, I receive a new direction and confirmation on my goal for next year.

In the grand scheme of things, they don't matter.

There are a lot of things that I'd like to engage in, most of which don't matter. Some would matter more to me, and some more to others. Make your choice and make it well. Commit and be sure. Remember what really matters center yourself.

Vancouver, TAGS is coming for you.

And for everything else that's happening. I can't handle it, but I'm not alone in this.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I know it all means something.

Sometimes I feel like letting go.

I got 78% for my econ 102 midterm, and that's AFTER moderation. So, I did badly. I sat in class, staring incredulously at my paper, in physical pain (I did this course in Singapore, so I really ought to be getting 98% like last term, for Econ 101). This was just unbelievable. I really needed the potential 90ish that I could've gotten (easily) to pull up my overall GPA to get into IR. Not that I'm doing badly, looking at past years, the chances of me getting into IR with my current average of 81 isn't too bad. It would just be nice to have that extra margin to spare.

Today was the day that I had to learn grace. So instead of throwing a temper tantrum, I was shocked and traumatized into laying my academic career into the hands of God. Who am I kidding? If God wanted me in IR, I'd get there. Even with a joke for a GPA. Uncle Hwee Yang got into Grad school without even attending a single university class for crying out loud. It was from High school to Grad school. I need not worry about my future.

A part of it is a pride thing. My lowest grade in my two years of university at this moment is a B+ (for, ironcially, Arts One). I could easily get full marks for this course. I just don't know why I'm not. Welcome to humility Hannah. For the first time in your life, maybe, just maybe, you can't do it.

But that's fine. Perfectly fine.

Thank you for the sunshine.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Roller Coaster

I'm happy, tired, disgruntled, annoyed, excited, bored, stressed, listless, restless, torn and hurting.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

call us revolutionaries

Today, the sun shone just for me. So i was happy.

I talked to a friend from my past, and was pleasently surprised to find aged trust and love to be just as strong and generous.

My mistakes, His glory.

When I see amazing lives as such. I cannot help but praise.
I understand love to be beyond all this.
Dreaming all the time, is not foolish.

Monday, March 21, 2005

In the time taken to open and close the back door, I go from bondage to freedom.
and back again.

We're dealing with human hearts here. Living breathing loving beings. The gifts are gifts of life. Don't mindlessly flirt or fuck with them. Don't hissle around selfishly, unknowingly irresolute. Not every desire is meant to be fulfilled. Every action has its consequences.

Whatever the case is, I understand what I feel.
Say what you will.
They were lies.

The next time I love, it will be truth.
And I won't ever be left to think twice about its worth.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Granted, I knew.
This is my story.

Heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire.
Be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight.

It's the folly of heaven that moves our hearts everywhere except toward those who are deserving. The answer to my search leaves me on my knees, nowhere nearer to where I want to be, with equal loss and equal gain, and with scars.

Truth be told I tried my best
but somewhere along the way...

I got caught up with all there was to offer.
And the cost was more then I could bear.

Hubris. I am never enough. Look at where I am and what I'm trapped in. I've fallen.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone.

Sunk so low.

But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of moring, and the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I held so dear.

I've messed up, but better I should know.

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
Everyone I know

Don't come round here.

They turn they're heads embarrassed
Pretend they do not see

Don't tell me I told you so.

It's one missed step you slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem to be a way to be redeemed.

I hope I heal. I hope I haven't ensnared myself.