I'm not sure how I feel about all this.

Not that it matters.

Going to a Giants game tonight.

rolls on the floor laughing

I know who I am, and in my little world, everyone ties at every game and goes home laughing to sit pretty in their 3-inches of self-reflection.

Pfffffffffffffffffft. That's why I like art and not competition. That's why I see more value in art and competition. But then I realise, like ying and yang, there will be no art without competition, even if your challenger is yourself, and likewise, there will be no point to competition without art. Two natural energies in Man and I want to screw it all.

HIT PUCKS! NOT PEOPLE!

I don't know if this is what depression feels like, but judging from 'shopgirl' (the less then spectacular Miramax movie) I seem to be fading into a similar state of being as Ms Protagonist. At any rate, I am not so much interested in whining about how I feel as opposed to expressing it. I wonder if there's even a difference.

Someone once lamented about the solipsism of blogging. "A selfish enterprise" she called it, but nonetheless she is still blogging today. If it's anything that this does to the individual is to perpatuate whatever self-absorbing spirial one finds himself engaged in.... blah. whatever. cyber-introspection already.

Anyway, today woke up to a strange Hannah. I'm not about to propose that I was normal and the rest of the world was strange, but really, I think on strange days, it's really me who's gone kooky. It was calm, the world outside the kitchen window was white and softly breathing. The diamonds that blacket are, actually (so sorry to burst your bubble santa) ice. Malice. The quiet demons that suppress reality in all its gore and brokeness with etheral light. Like the eye of the storm. And I wonder, as I shared with God on tuesday, and later with Andre on the way to school, where do all the homless people go? And this further begs the question of are we so selfish that we can only see warm fires and hot coca and fail to heed the dying bodies around and inside us?

God's holiness is his establishment in the world.

But anyway, the stangeness of my being today came primarily from standing on the brink of existance, and yet being prevented from diving into it. I desire action, move me, let me move. Lately, I confess my mind has been drifting of onto a black wooden stage where I simply dance my heart out with imaginary limbs. I am hardly interested in reality. Or at least, what I have conceived to be reality. Perhaps there is a greater reality out there, or in here that needs to be dealt with. And if I find that I am more interested in people here in this wooden reality, then maybe it won't be such a bad idea to engage in it more willfully.

It's just some silly phase that I'm going through

The snow is softly falling, but nonetheless, I stand pretty much uncharmed. Life, in all its excitment perfection and glory, has taken a somewhat strange ramble through the dark wood of insolation. As I was telling Seth last night (in one of our -very- rare conversations) he collapses into himself too much. And I do too. I haven't see Seth in a long time and I do miss him. I wonder how he's doing and what he's up to. I also cannot help but grapple with the Mythos of who he is to me now. Still ex-boyfriend? Friend? wha...?

Let's not even talk about Dennis.

Alright, lets.

But not in the conventional sense. I was thinking about being in relationships today during Crawford's class and then later on the 99 back home. I realise that commiting yourself in anything, to anything requries a reorganization and retelling of the Story, of the myth that indicates your identity. I don't know how many people understand this but this is precisely the reason why so many relationships today are so short-lived and pointless. The mythos is forgotten and all that is left between two individuals is the hope and illusion that maybe, there'll be something of some worth here.

There.

And here I think I am craving to identify myself with someone, in someone. With a community, in a community. An hour long phone conversation with a couple of frat boys seemed to prove the intrinsic need that we all have to be a part of something. Something bigger then yourself.

What is bigger then me?
~ Seth.

Look outside, and then, flip yourself inside out.

Most unfortunately, I am not in love.

Today in church, I felt very brought into the presense of God. A peace in his presence, and humility at the sight of my inadequacy. It was indeed an invitation in which I played no part but to receive. This is grace.

It's saturday afternoon, the sun is high and we're in the backyard on a couch with coffee and songs tucked under blankets and giggles. What other life is there? But that of blood diamonds and sewer children who live under the curse of existance, their governments. And us.

But life is beautiful and full of love. Here and there, Then and now.

Robby boy, I'm excited for you. Too much, i'm exploding.

---

Broadway@Granville/41st and Main.

The heart of a woman is captivating. Chase me, need me and unveil me. Thank you Lord, for ministering to me and revealing your heart and the love and dreams that you have for me. Deep breath. Here I go.