Friday, December 08, 2006


Oh I do struggle with being foolish.

So dinner came and went, quite uneventfully.
"What are we doing here?"
"Just having dinner"
(kick under the table from sue)
"Oh, ok..." And dinner commences... and ends.


I run into an odd aquaintence and blurt the whole story out leaving him and his girlfriend confused and randomized. I think that was my spazzled insides leaking out.

Sue hands me a lesson on grace and I suddenly feel as if my eyes were opened.

"You are honest, you can be honest. But not everyone can. do not impose that on people."

And that is true of Dennis. He is who he is and I am who I am and that does not mean that they coincide.

And that is why I am in love with Belmont.
And this is why I must let go.

Oh God, I am yours, save me.

And despite it all, I think i have found release from this madness.
Oh I am hoping.

Just leave.
I won't be here.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Amidst morning laughter with family and friend, a familiar number flashes across my cellphone screen. Ah, it's the boyfriend.

"Did you get Dennis' message? He wants to have Dinner on Thursday. You, Me, Himself and Jasmine..."

So I spent the rest of my day with a little sullied cloud over my head. Why would Dennis arrange to have us all for dinner when we aren't even on talking terms? And forgive me for my nitpicking but I thought his negligence to text and inform me himself rather rude. And 8 pm in the east when I live in the North, well inconsiderate. All that aside, I have spent every stray moment in my own mental universe. Thinking, thinking, thinking... what could possibly be going on? What might possibly happen?

Well, whatever the case, Sue is here and Sue is coming with me. I thank God. She will keep my dirty tougue and evil heart from inflicting too much damage on our generous hosts.

I cannot imagine a 'casual dinner' on Thursday (unless I read wrongly) to be a good way to sort things out between us. These things happen behind closed doors and privately. But seeing what Dennis himself has been telling me about being unable to respond to my messages ('it's a woman insecurity thing' - what sexist labelling) I begin to wonder if there is no other way. Then I wonder if I want anything this way. And then I wonder if I even care.

Well maybe Thursday is really intended to BE a casual dinner between old friends, army buddies and girlfriends ooo tickle hahaha you're a riot that's awesome how cool. But then the present seeps the colour back into my mind and I conciously remind myself that Thursday will come and go, and life will sweep us along anyway. Only, Hannah, keep in mind that this is your story and you must live it well. Do not mess it up anymore then you already have. Already have. Some things are irreversible regret, inevitable. But not irredeemable, and this is the power of God in my life.

All in all, I am really convinced that Dennis does not understand the extent of the hurt inflicted on me, nor the intensity of the love I harboured for him. As Pastor Wee says, it's all a misunderstanding, and had we been clear about each other's intentions, things would have turned out quite differently. And then I look around me, at my amazing life (which I would trade for no one else's), my bright future, my perfect family, my loyal friends, and my ever-loving boyfriend to whom my heart is not yet given(it honestly remains with Dennis, still), but who has agreed to walk my pain with me, and through that will irrevocably capture my being again.

I start to see that maybe, compared to this life, I wouldn't have wanted it that way anyway.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Oh, Canada! My home and native('s) land!

It was with great reluctance that I read Curtis' card, brought to me by Sue. I'm so glad she's here. It's like a peace of Canada fell out and landed here in Southeast Asia, where it belonged anyway. But I was absolutely stoked to hold the brown envolope, with Curto's signiture postmodern christmas adds - Oh tell me what I miss!

But I was afraid to start reading it. For were I to start, an end to the letter would be in sight. I was tempted to leave the note unread and hold on to the sweet notion that there was a message of love just waiting to be read.

I read it anyway, I was right. Heartfelt honesty and open affection will move me to tears. Especially when penned with such grace and clarity. Why Curtis, I'd say you write like an angel

Only angels move me to tears.

And from Sue - a ring carved by R.K., a First Nation's artist. She brought me a little piece of Canada that was native (even though I am Chinese). I had always wanted a piece of First Nation's jewellry, I just didn't know what would have been appropriate and how to choose Native art items for myself. I see them as sacred almost.

Sue saw the ring and decided that that was so me. I now have a totem Killer Whale wrapped around my finger. It symbolizes a lot of who I am and what I want to be.

But mostly, it reminds me that I am Canadian. Not just by birth, passport or nationality. But for the people who made me who I am today by loving me from the fall of 2003 onwards. I belong to you too.