I'm exhausted.
I spend my time the best way I know how, but between society and me, there are priority clashes.

And as I've shared with Belmont and Erwin, I'm scared of becoming like 'them'.
eewck.

I'm exhausted.

I think I know why God has never given me the gift of music. I have no courage to nurture it into being, and no strength to bare my soul to the world in this way. Music, perhaps is the highest gift.

Hello Mr Zebra.

I roll the window down, and then begin to breathe in the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen from the passenger seat as you are driving me home. Then looking upwards I strain my eyes and try to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites from the passenger seat as you are driving me home. "Do they collide?" I ask and you smile. With my feet on the dash the world doesn't matter. When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride, when you need directions then i'll be the guide for all time.

For all time.
[Passenger seat ~ Death Cab for cutie]

I love car rides, in the backseat, where you cease to exist, lost within yourself.
And in the passenger seat up front, where you share a journey.

I think we've forgotten how essential journeys are to life. In our midst to get somewhere, quicker, faster and better, we fail to consider the moments shared behind the dashboard. Here is where I talk to my mother, and pour out my heart and mind. There is where I share comfortable silences with Belmont, after a hectic day with Boey. And then was when I laughed with Tom, on our way to the Taiwan beef noodle place at 70th and Granville, or to coffee at Kerrisdale, or just to Pho on 10th. And also on cookie runs with Curtis, under the northern stars filtering though the leaves in Pacific Spirit park. And sometimes with Andre, burning rubber in the back streets of vancouver. And finally, with Mel, from burnaby and back, talking about life and life, and from Safeway to 4822 when he let me drive.

I think we forget that life isn't just being there, it's getting there. And while you're at it, love and be as much as possible. It makes 'there' an easier place to exist in when you've got good company. In fact, I think the point of getting 'there' is to enjoy the company of those who have travelled with you.

Please, make car rides longer, let's take buses, ferries, planes. Let's just keep going. And even though we're always moving, let's remember to keep home.

I need you so much closer, so come on.

[Transatlanticism ~ Death Cab for Cutie]

Dear God, remember our second honeymoon? I was listening to our song again today and it hit me that you were more real in my past then I realised. And though I fear straying while questing for truth and genuinty, I really don't have to.

Take me up in arms with you, and I'll wrestle for more then a name.
I'm not copping out.

I heard my grandmother's story for the first time today. More like, my mother heard her story for the first time today, and translated the recording for me seven hours later. My dad didn't want to sit around to listen, it made him angry. My mother sees the hand of God working behind all this. My heart remained heavy. How am i going to see myself through this alive?

难怪外公一听到我的意向就怒气喷喷的吗我：“历史！历史是肮脏的！你读你们自己的历史吧，不要读我们的！”

他妈的。。。how?

Anyway, Gladys is on-line again making my world temporarily complete. She points out the obvious in my life, that which I cannot name and calls it into the light. Because it's hers too.

"don't fall in too deep and then pull out again!" ~ her.

Like purple is to a girl such as myself, like the settling of summer into the base of my abdomen as the muscles twist to expel and receive. I sink as if after a weary search for something, sink into term-break slumber, to the pre-afterglow that means, and is the conception of, something more. A weight is lifted, and another swiftly seeps in to steal the hollow moment that leaves me shivering. A cycle starts spinning, in harmony with the other orbs that spread life. It is golden, light that is golden, sweet and deep as a baby's first feed. It is the moment when yearning stops, and continues on a divine plane. When everything you work for and look to is dissolved and gloriously expanded into a single smile.

If you could only see,
What love has made of me,
Then I'd no longer be in your mind,
The difficult kind,
Becuase babe, I've changed.

Now if you would only see,
What love could make of me
Then we'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind,
Becuase babe, I'll change.

I am trying to find loves that will last a lifetime.
And despite today's sermon being of no value 99% of the time, I nonetheless came away with that 1%.

Do not expect anything.

But learn to give. If I expect perfection, I am in reality not looking for a relationship, but for comfort. I will end up a slave to my own desires.

So I will retract the molds, and let your broken beauty take me away.

Even when leading a perfect life, you sometimes make wrong choices, then you will bite your tougue, and bleed through clenched teeth:

THIS IS NOT MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME

But do not be fooled into believing that perfection is static. It is dynamic, and here I am, swirling in a less-then-satisfactory moment that even yet constitutes perfection. Perfection, can be a choice.

--------------------------------------------

I related to Shiyu today a quote by a Chinese pop star that I had read in the life! section of the papers some time back. It went something along the lines of this:

Beauty in a girl is not in how she looks, it's a quality.
Beauty is found in her need to be taken care of.

No prizes for guessing my reaction toward that. It's no secret that I abhor the thought of needing to be taken cared of by my significant other, complete with the pampering and cooing. It just ain't for me, sweet pea.


But 2 mood swings later, my strength is tempered.
Please don't let it be said that I need no taking care of, I need to be taken care of in a way that makes it possible for me to take care of myself.

ack.