The difference between scary and sexy is knowledge and control. Like I watch the back of the trans-island bus 882 as it rounds the bend, and the ad says "Power is nothing without control".

"Indeed", I sigh sadly to myself.

I had a slight Avril bout today. She got under my skin. So for half an hour or so, I listened only to my Avril Lavigne collection: all three songs.

Yay.

On another note, I will demand and expect nothing less then passion and intensity in my life. Dig that?

OH MY GOD GUYS I HAVE FOUND THE PEFFCT TERM TO DESCRIBE ME AND MY DESIRE TO BE HIPPIE:

1.	Hippycrite
	A fake hippy who complains about every polluting object known to man but uses the same products that they complain about. Oh those awful cars but hey I just bought a Suburban! Check it out it has a V8! by Chris Walker Oct 29, 2004 email it

Courtesy of www.urbandictionary.com

Psalm 145

It made sense today, on the train home after an emotionally cranky day. Crying out to the Lord for peace, direction, confirmation and...

Don't just keep asking for things Hannah, worship me!
Be with me!

And this is me realising how things fall into place. There was a rush of urgency, along with the gripping realization that I did not know how. It was a quintessential Dustin YBH (yeah, but how?!) moment. Aye, a relationship is like a dance, God leads, I follow. And in order to make this work, I will have to keep my feet moving, my fingers pressed against His, sensitive to His leading.

Worship. The understanding of something greater then yourself. The act of allowing yourself to engage and be absorbed into this sense of humility and awe. To be beyond yourself. To be a part of something more. To be released from yourself. To remove your eyes from your navel and onto reality.

Well, it's a start. I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, there are ants on my desk.
I fear that they will eat my pretty pretty macbook.

I met up with Ziig today, after 5 years of mutual disinterest and silence. The Postal Service and Planet Shakers... sure, whatever floats your boat. But I found myself in the presence of an old friend that I never had, pouring my heart out and eagerly lapping up the much needed direction.

I think we've identified the problem.
Uh-huh...

And it is true. Until I can let go of my vengeful obsession and allow the truth of God to come flooding in, I will be crippled. But as I told Renita, I find it refreshingly odd and beautiful that Ziig can walk back into my life into a space of trust and communication. Well then. I think this is what I need.

On a slightly related note, this is what I need to rediscover (as Belmont discovers our email correspondance of 2004):

In response to email dated 12th Dec 2004:

Have you heard of the book "The Holy Wild" by mark buchanan? It's a book that i'm reading now and the night after I read your e-mail, i came accross this passage on the section of God's Holiness:

"There's only one way to get there (freedom in God) from here: Worship. I've never met anyone who actually rests in God's holiness who has contemplated their way into it. You cannot get there with a fine parsing of Greek roots or a careful taxidermy of biblical images and theological themes. The experience is not like that. It's visceral, raw, scalding. It comes only from seeing God. We can't stage-manage that. but if there's one thing we can do to put ourselves in the place where this can happen, it's worship."

The beautiful thing about a relationship with God is that essentially, we can't do a single damn thing to wriggle our way into the presence of God (I've sure you're realised that by now) because it's a real relationship. Two-way thing. Like you can't force yourself to fall in love with a girl you're not attracted to, or force a girl to like you when she's not interested. Same thing with God. So the only way into a relationship with him is if He invites us AND if we're willing. Both.

And God is a terrible, horrifying being. He's huge and dangerous: so we can't control him. But he's safe: so we can trust him. Which is great. we wouldn't want a whimpy God. And I doubt we'd do well if we could control God. So well, I'd say Bel, to worship. The weight of a close walk with God is not for you to bear on your own. It's a relationship so you and God will do this together. He'll take you there. Just worship. Easy peasy. (or so I say) And don't fear about being dangerously low. I've learnt that sometimes we need that and that point is part of our jounrey with God. On that note, it's a journey. it's not just "I'm with God!" or "Dammit i'm not with God..." It's a walk and he has promised to be there always. So don't worry. He won't let you fall, but he might scare you a bit.

And then later in response to email dated 17th Dec 2004:

And you know what, i think we as christians have really got to stop feeling sorry about where we are in life with God. I might be wrong and heretical, but in my opinion, God created us to be a certain way and we have to get there, but we are who we are and God approaches us in different ways. So if we don't communicate with God in the same ways as others, it's totally alright. be sensitive to yourself, know where you are and slowly learn to worship. We were created to be in his presence, and worship is the best way to get there. Really the one thing God wants is for us to know him as he is (the truth) and then trust who he is, and then to rest in him. Rest. we weren't created to be afraid, worried or nervous, but to be at peace.

BTW, it's funny that you mention Jonah. I remember hearing a wonderfully comforting sermon on the nature of God by looking at Jonah. My mother always tells me that I worry too much about not doing enough for God and really, that's not our problem to solve. WE are the problem, the solution, is a relationship and the solver is God. Jonah, by far wasn't the best person to Go to nineveh, but you know the whole deal about he fish and all that (diver or no :) ) God CHASED jonah. He had his mind set on Jonah and followed him no matter. He persued him. So chill, God's on your case. Terrible things might happen, but believe me, you wouldn;t wanna be somewhere else.

I agree that we have to make that commitment and there is a lot of work on our part, but really. it starts from God. So chill

And another interesting concept is that maybe God's out to woo us. Like a lover you know? And well, be still and listen to his calling, don't force it.. just let God love.

Hannah, do you remember? Now can you once again call on the Lord?

In the Beginning...

"don't get bored"

Alright.