Some people dig themselves into relationships that are detrimental and a waste of time. All for the sake of being validated.

I definitely don't need to do that. I just walk down the street, and laugh.
And the world laughs with me.

But becuase of that, I am afriad, some on the sidewalk call me magic.

Honestly, I hurt myself trying to get to sleep.

But between 4.30 - 6 am, I suddenly thought that I would really like some flowers.

Well actually, I was planning on sleeping, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. The one who seduced me into thought and depth. In the way I would define to be valuable thinking and quality depth. She tells me that she has stumbled upon the blogs of a few old friends. One in Australia, co-blogging with her very impressive photographer boyfriend, Tristan would be crushed. Another in New Zealand, freshly weded, and yet another in Singapore.

Reading between the lives (heh.. heh...), funny.

There were photos in which I recognized every face, the names jumped out at me, the relationships induced weird stomach acrobatics.

I am twice removed form these people, they would were, and would've been my best friends. The girls in my life that I grew up with, dreamed with and loved. i was removed once via the vicious church crisis in 1998 and twice by nationality.

And I don't know them anymore. But while a section of me screams out to them, the rest is rather grateful.

The Lord has been good to me, but on one respect I have felt betrayed: that I was never given the gift of a normal christian fellowship you know. One where you grow up happily in, insulated from the world. One that is validating and that runs like clockwork. Even the navigators in UBC ran through very rocky patches during my time.

And now, I praise God. For the other gift he has given me. Independence, courage, and thought.
And finally, for trusting me. To be strong enough in open waters.

I have no regrets, only warm memories.

Having heard that 'Taxi Ride' by Tori Amos was written in memory of Kevin Aucoin, I have gained a new afinity toward the song. I'm sure that had his brushes touched my skin, Kevin's hands would've touched my soul.

She loves strongly, this raisin girl.

Never was a cornflake girl
Thought that was a good solution
Hangin with the raisin girls
Shes gone to the other side
Givin us a yo heave ho
Things are getting kind of gross
And I go at sleepy time
This is not really happening
You bet your life it is

Peel out the watchword
just peel out the watchword

She knows whats going on
Seems we got a cheaper feel now
All the sweeteaze are gone
Gone to the other side
With my encyclopedia
They musta paid her a nice price
Shes puttin on her string bean love
This is not really happening
You bet your life it is

Rabbit where'd you put the keys girl
And the man with the golden gun
Thinks he knows so much
Thinks he knows so much
Rabbit where'd you put the keys girl

[Cornflake Girl ~ Tori Amos]

Lilo: Don't leave me ok?
Stitch: Ok.

Pure Passion

I am.

Mel:
...esp when you fall in love with rocks

Hannah:
what??
when do i fall in love with rocks?
*and knowing me, i'd take that statement literally*

Mel:
that time u were walking along the street
and fell in love with a rock

Hannah:
how??

Mel:
i dunno,
drunk?

Hannah:
which rock?

Mel:
near ur place i think.
near ubc.

Hannah:
how do you know that i fell in love with it?

Mel:
u told me.

Hannah:
I told you that i fell in love with a rock?

Mel:
yeh
u stopped and stared at it for a long time. something like that.i don't remember the details
but then, it couldn't have been that important.

this is what i mean though, u fall in love and out so easily

Hannah:
exactly.
i love loving
i love giving

Mel:
you are dangerous

And to be honest, I sometimes feel like Jean Grey.
Please be careful of me,
don't let me destroy you.
Or us.

[[Edit: 0219hrs]]

And oddly enough, I'm back to where this started, 4 years before.

you caught me lingering in another girl's paradise the way she paints the world -- i want that in my life. emeralds, you should know, are renting in her meadow with a stroke beauty lives how could i resist? you are desire. you are when it all is said said and done, who can love you and still be standing? there's mary calling up a storm, can i take from you and not keep taking? naked as day Gemma follows him. does it all come down to the thing one girl fears in the night? is another girl's paradise.

through twists and turns Jasmine foxed me in her grove, arms filled with honey-bells, st michaels sanford bloods. "you have come to discover what you want". what i want is not to want what isn't mine. "but i am desire". when it all is said and done, who can love you and still be standing? there's mary calling up a storm, can i take from you and not keep taking? naked as day Gemma follows him. does it all come down to the thing one girl fears in the night? is another girl's paradise.

Today:

I did a lot of scho of work.
I hung out with Gladys on MSN
I cooked.
I recorded a song.
I laughed with friends over MSN.

I am centered.

everyday should be like this.

Look I found a cough drop for you!
~ Fellow exchange student, Brendt, who couldn't handle my bronchital coughing any longer, who was moved to leave a fox sweet on my laptop.

Wah lau, you think the library open for you only is it?
Hannah Central Library right?
~ Belmont. In response to my incessant bitching about the uber-ridiculous library system in school.

Hannah, you're damn loud.
~ Marcus, the friend of a friend, now a friend, whom I didn't/couldn't recognise.
(is that Marcus?? Oh, hi Marcus!)

I laughed a lot, met friends, sat with friends, ate with friends, studied a lot.
In this moment, I am absolutely content.

If I ever had a road named after me, I'd like to have it called "Pretty Pink Petel road" or something rather. Just like I'd like to have my dead body made into a wall mount and hung in the National Rifle Association.

I think my faith is going back to the basics. I only want to be a good girl, but also, true to myself.

So I'm waiting by the phone
For the blessed ring
Like a holy grail
for a fisher king
Time is ticking down
like a metronome
Rythmn for my brain
and its ceaseless scares
I never seem to play them to the beat I hear
Though my heart beat is a beat
that beats so near

So I'm changing who I am
'cos what I am's not good
And I know you love me now
?

I've been waiting ~ Sixpence none the richer

I N A N I S

The music plays, the worship commences and this is all I'm left with. A snared spirit encased within flesh and bone, the flesh and bone that fail to conform to its authority. To dance alive and to have meaning whispered through the sinews and tendons that make it me, and make me it.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."
Ecc 1:2

And then I find that I haven't the energy to respect you, and cannot help but find the way you affectionately finger your little ephemeral ornaments to be vomit-inducing, and blood-curdling. My utter lack of sentimentality and empathy reduces your entire sun-center to be as the green goop that grows under the sinks in public washrooms - in China.

After, sitting on the steps of service 858 watching the world flow by in closer proximity, I find another soulsong:

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight ~ The Postal Service

and I am quietened.