Saturday, June 11, 2005


right now in this moment of sheer human weakness I'd like to say that I fucking hate you. And I pretty much do. But not for forever... just for now. It's just a moment, this time will pass.

"its about time for a leap into the big unknown. this goes into my head as "Stories for the grand-children". of my bestest bestfriend of 7 years and how things naturally come to how they are. its all good.

and ive heard rumours. no one is to blame anyone. especially if your name isnt dennis or hannah. "
~ Dennis. (emphasis added)

I understand that pain is natural too.

I will tell my story.
It will be my story.
And I will hide nothing from no one.

And after this is done, I will allow you to fade away, to where you don't matter.
But that will be later, for now i will wrestle, resist my urge to slaughter, and just drag my sorry emotional corpse through the mud of now, entrails trailing dramatically behind.

EDIT:: I cancelled this bit almost immediately after I posted it on. I have this principle to never delete what I blogged if I changed my mind about something. Because that was once a moment of Truth. But as life often proves, (as it just has to me) a moment of truth is just that, A moment. And so things change and so do people. But you can never undo the past. So be very very careful about the story you're living. Live it well.

Anyway Dustin is right: One thing never fails - my drama.
The weight of human responsibility once again resonates with me today. We make choices that ripple out like stones dropped into water. We live with them, not just you or I, but you, me and every other goddamn human being that comes into contact with us. Walk humbly Hannah.

And today, I figure that as opposite the notions of Justice and Grace are, they are usually delivered hand in hand. Thank you God, for all this.

Now work me.
I want you to know, you don't need me anymore.

Tonight, Dennis agreed that it was time to end our 7-year-old life together. He tapped my shoulder in the middle of 'The Office' and told me so.

Well then.

I guess that's the end of it all. Naturally, it doesn't come easy. I feel like I've to plunge a knife into something that is very much alive. I think I've come a long way through this struggle and have mastered the art of containing myself within my 5 foot frame. What I would have otherwise done, when expressed, brought Thiyachai down to shudders and chuckles. But no more.

So this is the end of our relationship, of a life, of the only life that I know.

Walk on.
You got to leave it behind.

I don't quite know where to start. As Thi pointed out, nothing really happens when it's still a swirl of emotion, inexplicable internal life forces just seeking for a direction to flow. The real distance comes with indifference. So I'm working on it. <-- Get the irony?

I've deleted his link off my blog, deleted and blocked him from MSN...
I won't have anything, as far as I can help it, to do with his life.

No they can't even feel it

Now before the gasps come rolling in, it was a joint decision between Dennis and myself. Logically, I am glad for this bilateral action. It breathes freedom and a new adventurous life ahead of me. True me-ness, true intensity and love. I praise God for the lessons I'll be learning, the Grace I'll be cultivating and the independece I'll be strengthening.

"Give up something" <--- my job in "The office"
"pfft... I know what I'm giving up: Dennis"

"my pride"
At the end of the day, I couldn't singlehandedly give up my relationship with Dennis. It was never completely mine to hold anyway. And anyway, it was given up for me, via a tap on my shoulder in the middle of the Alliance Franchise.
I can justify, I can logicalize, rationalize and theorize...
It's just a moment, this time will pass.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

2 days off and I go back to VJ to help the kids with their exams. Shaun is an acting genius. I have never seen acting so good. Maybe execpt Ivan Heng.

I spend all afternoon with Jiayin talking about the past and gasping about the present. I find a picture of myself dolled up for our TSD exam. I had long hair then. I have an ephiany about the people I worked with in TSD. About how most of my misgivings were totally unwarrented and about how much I really appreciate them for who they are, what they do and the art they give. I'm sorry for being so wrong and so selfish.

I'm starting to really see the importance of our actions and decisions in life. If I'm spoiled for choice, I'm weighted with responsibility.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Why do we crucify ourselves?

Today I took a walk through the Opera Gallery at Takashimaya Shopping center, I was just passing through. But this has fast become one of my favourite places to visit in town. Paint and paper going for tens of thousands of USD... charming. But anyway, I was snaking though the gallery and I realise that the most popular form for representation was the Female.

Not just the female form in all its sensual glory, but the female being: In all her mystery, divinity and complexity. The goddess is reflected and worshipped two-dimensionally, with stokes and blends that hold her complexion with the utmost reverence.

She does not fart, act stupid, nor does she ever make a foolish comment that might rape her dignity.

So there is Woman: held at an arms length
behind a glass pane
within a gilded frame.

Is there truth? Can beauty exist for beauty's sake?
I wonder where we get these non-truths from.
Maybe if we talked about our differences every once in a while instead of sloshing them on naked canvasas, we girls would be able to identify more with the Woman in the painting.

Monday, June 06, 2005

All that you can't leave behind.
U2 provides my worship songs, my philosophy in life and my muse.
My medium of expression, of release and refocusing.

I realise I spend way too much time in my head playing scenarios, dreaming of the future and altering reality.

I might be going insane.