Monday, December 02, 2002

This is in relataliation of BL's retort: Can YOU come up with 50 fuckin positive things about yourself?

50 positive things about myself... in no particular order

1. I am a child of God
2. I'm willing to learn
3. I am loved, no matter how undeserving of love I can be
4. I have my health
5. I have good skin (almost)
6. I am cosmetically accpetable. (despite my scoliosis)
7. I am confident of my identity
8. I have intellect...
9. ...coupled with an excitement to use it...
10. ... and opportunities to use it in my life
11. I think beyond the textbooks i pay for, and the faces i see.
12. I'm in TSD
13. I've rebuilt my life
14. I've had a rich life, all 18 years of it.
15. I know what to do with the knowledge in my life
16. I try.
17. I have music in my life
18. I have talents
19. I have the means to aquire the skills to match my talents
20. I have a bestest friend I can run to, all these 5 years
21. I am socially adequate.
22. I have a wonderful family.
23. I've learnt from my past mistakes, and from others.
24. I've learnt to trust, without an emotional attactment.
25. I've learnt to be attached, without trusting.
26. I am looked up to.
27. I am optimistic
28. I am realistic
29. I still have my faith
30. I realise that there is positivity in every negative situation.
31. I've come to accept who i am, and have realised my worth
32. I understand that I am NOT perfect
33. I understand that NO ONE is perfect
34. I understand that I am vulnerable.
35. I understand that being vulnerable is important sometimes
36. I'm a fast learner.
37. I'm unique.
38. I appreciate art.
39. I appreciate that I am a work of art.
40. I try not to take myself to seriously... or life for that matter
41. I do not live in despair.
42. I have an education.
43. I live in luxuary (relatively)
44. I use make up, though i don't need to.
45. People try to chat me up.
46. I don't need to try to be accepted. I am
47. I can present myself with dignity and grace
48. I try not to desciminate.
49. I try to love.
50. I know that such power comes not from within. But is still avaible to me.

There. Your turn babe, if not i'll do it for you.

~tori amos

Sunday, December 01, 2002

I'm free. Of course it never feels as good as you imagine but I am nonetheless... ecstatic.

I'm still struggling with guilt. A guilt that gnaws every once in a while. A guilt that's not supposed to be. But it is. It's not a personal guilt, but more of a fear of social opinion, like shame, as if I'm obliged to cut even with every familar, curious face I meet on the streets. Not that they'd be interested. But I'd just hate to think of what's going on behind that "hey hannah! See you ard!" Not that it should matter to me. But it does.

Maybe I should just have more faith in humanity again. That if I do not judge, the chances are, others won't either.

It's not an outcome of a deliberate, concious action. But a need. A weak helpless cry from within, that renders us all bitches, sluts, bastards and jerks.

It's all car crashes.

Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People running
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
What does matter really?

Tell me what to believe
Won't you bring me order
Tell me what to achieve
Baby, so I can move forward
Tell me what to be
Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin', run

Credit cards in place of distress
Go live your life on the Internet
That's what this is
Conspiracies and mysteries
Science-fiction make-believe
My kind's misery

Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin'
All these car crashes in my head
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
All these car crashes
What does matter really?
All these car crashes