Saturday, October 19, 2002

First things first. Edit post of 10/19/2002

Vibes 101

So baby we're free for the next 2 months with nothing to do but work and head on for parties. Please please please get out of the F&D ("food and drink" for the curious) industry. You WILL yes? *prays real hard*. And honestly I'm really sorry abt all the trouble I've put you through, indirectly and all. It will be over soon... for you and me.
Paul.. do you want the shout outs still?

So I've seen it all along, and knew it for a fact.
Never felt it.
It means so much to me, why not to you?
Is that all that it was? good... alright....
Like coffee on a wednesday afternoon?
I accepted it from someone I loved.
Why couldn't I handle it from you?
Becase I have been cheated
So the-you-that-I-see-but-you-do-not says
I believe what is bound to be a lie...
...not yet but soon enough

You bled for love, I bleed for you.

A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?

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Ahhhhhh... now isn't that so?

You're in my prayers. I've let you go... Thank you.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

To paul

Ah yes shout outs... I'll see what i can do... Cos see it's my best friend who's been doing all the honours. So if he agrees to do it for all of you guys, just send over your blog username and PASSWORDS (gotta compromised eh?) and he'll just zing em' up for you. If the arrangement is ok with you of course. :) whaddaya say?
What a day.
I spent it wrestling with my mind.
What do I feel, Why do i feel...
Over-ridden by angst.

My little GP ditty with Mr teo somehow didn't help. (Are you reading this? you never replied... *abandoned*)
Spilling it to him just pushed up this incessant urge to JUSTIFY myself, my actions and emotions.
Though logic (and angie), pronounces my guilt null, unreasonable and (as andrea would say) self-inflicted.
In fact reading your blog dong makes me feel real good for you.
So why did it feel so bad... till I called you?

The ride home wasn't much better, I saw a bloody ad (some bank thing) and was plauged by insecurity. Not by who, what, where... but how.
But you always set things straight yes?
Then came regeneration and all those feelings of self-disrespect came flooding back, that I wasn't good anymore, wasted and...
But you let me know that it doesn't make me any less special to you, and that you RESPECT me

You don't know how much i need to know that.

I had a great day. :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2002


Yup, still too early.
Tried again... bitty naive of me isn't it? to assume that 8 hours, a conversation with Andrea and a few feebly sounded resolutions would render me ready to face it again.
So I thought about it, spoke to myself for a while and realised that it isn't guilt. It's just pain. I still care for you, and strangely the thought of me walking away hurts, like it's easier done then said. So it is.

So we'll walk our own ways, i will resolve myself, and you will too. till then, never ever.

BTW, quit apologising. It doesn't help me and I don't think it helps you. :)


"you being with dennis now. should not, and in the future, would not matter to me. because we've gone own separate ways. you've no obligation to me anymore
no obligation by truth, commitment, or emotion. whatever you give me, is out of your grace.

i don't know if i'm right to say this. but you tend to carry your pain.
the guilt, the hurt. all the way from megalife, to CBC, to me.
you have to let it go, cause it hinders who you are.

hinders your growth by spirit, and by self.
don't use happiness and joy to appease that pain.
resolve that pain and find happiness and joy"

Thank you Dong. You're right.
Get off me!!

Something I should have screamed during the past 2 years.

I shouldn't have. It was too much to handle. So much for telling Andrea not to rush her healing process, I fell into exactly what I told her not to. Believing that you're ok and attempting to brave it out unready and unprepared. Wasn't ready for what was there.

I'm sorry

well, well, well... we'll see.

It was strange being shut off from a life you were once so involved in. Yes Beautiful, i know what it's like to kiss someone without a sense of taste. Now I don't know how to feel my way back... perhaps as you said dennis, never ever. God knows how blessed I am to have you still, that in being given the choice and desire, you had no will... and it has come to this. Home.

It's just good to know that you're in good hands. I'm comforted by that. I've struggled with what I've done to you and I stab myself for that once in a while. But nothing could have been done. i needed it, i found it, I'm not letting go. I hurt too, I'm hell sorry you hurt more, I didn't mean it to end up this way. You were supposed to leave me a wreck and walk off strong...

It hurts to see you hurt. So don't try till you've stopped...
Even then...

The life that brings a smile cross my face

Thank you.
For loving me despite my past.
For what I've done... which is enough to send me reeling in disgust, you recieve in love and renewed respect.
For understanding my need to bare my soul, and slowly...
For accepting my pace, my incoherent sentances, my tears.
For wanting my future.
For being considerate, tender, thoughtful and reverent.
For being my counterpoison, my mediator...
For being receptive and accepting.
... I cannot believe the amout of love and respect you have for me...
especially since i lack that for myself. (I need a thousand baths)...

But as usual... I am plagued with fear. Indulgence?

To Paul

Ask angie, she can tell you the whole works if you're interested. Nothing personal. Thanks for being a good stranger. :)

Monday, October 14, 2002


Did I hear Ian grow?
Was that him on his blog?
Amazing... yes, i love you too... frumpy.

To daryl, On his long road.

The road is long, with many a winding turns
That leads us to who knows where,
Who know where
But I'm strong, strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go, his welfare is my concern
No burden is he to bare, we'll get there
For I know he would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all, I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart isn't filled with gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road from which there is no return
While we're on our way to there, why not share
And the load, it doesn't weigh me down at all
He's my brother, he's my brother

So we're all locked in anger

But is that the course to take? In the name of protection, to lash out our indignant, righteous anger do we do more harm then necessary? (I'm starting to think of an econs essy on market failures). I just pray that we'll do what's good, not just what's right. And that we'll have her heart in mind.
I'm still living in an afterglow. Beyond words, actions or thoughts. Just being... with you.
My tummy still turns, and I still gravitate. *hahahaha*

Thank you.

Cross fire

I found my reason to lose faith in Humanity. It's amazing how one specimen can condemn the whole lot.
It was beyond the uncouth, wife-basher, undignified, drunken and unintelligent manner of speech, but just the fact that I was facing a guy who was egocentric enough to think he had the right to judge others, by his self-raised standards (which morally can be negligible).
You'll get through this babe.
Your responsiblity now lies in your healing. So focus on that and then move on.
We love you. We're here for you.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

To paul

Do I really sound suicidal?
I thought more of... thoughtful...
Oh well it was probably just a bad phase for me yes?
I promise happier days to come.
(to Daryl and Andrea: I promise I'll add you in some happy episode of our TCS drama thing okie? so you won't only be confined to the scandals *wink*)
BTW paul, thank you for your concern, and i can't believe you got Beautiful and me mixed up... how is that possible?

Beautiful beautiful night. Had fun and so much more. I'm just thankful that all went well on sunday morning worship and CG and all (considering I prepared the material whilst sipping on vodka coke).

It was amazing, belonging again (in every sense of the word) and spending the night laughing and talking and basking in company that you feel totally at ease with. It was like coming home, or waking up in your bed after months of being away...

Thank you all of you, and daryl, you are such a poop-brain. Can't believe we spent at least 20 minutes trying to figure out a blog address for you... But thanks for dinner and conversation and being who you are.
Thanks Andrea for your intellect and your heart. Thanks for the engaging conversations, Thanks for letting me lean my heart on your shoulder without letting me become totally dependent on you and your philosophies.
Dennis. Never been so close to someone before... never never. Surpassed every emotional and physcological barrier I had. It's always you. May it always be. good morning.

I'll face the consequences when I get there.
Don't you think Jewel is beautiful?

I will meet you in some place
Where the light lends itself to soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you I have thorns like any rose
And you could hurt me with your bare hands
You could hurt me with with the
sharp end of what you say
But I'm lost to you now & theres no amount of reason
That could save me

So break me
Take me
Just let me feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go & lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

So break me
Take me
Just let me feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me feel your love again

Kiss me once or maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
So break me
Take me
Let me feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me feel your arms again
Just let me feel your love again
~break me