Saturday, July 25, 2009

Weak as I am, no tears for you.

Quartered and confused, I find myself in different areas, with different desires and different thoughts. But I do have one goal: to be free. But for now I will roll around in the sadness, the anger, the regret, the contempt and the past, until the bowl tips me over and I move on again into a newer light. I hurt for different reasons on different days, and there's no telling what will happen next. But on the whole, I've been very pleased with the results and I wonder if this is what they mean by "glory to glory". Kor gave me 6 months to get it all out of my system, but at the rate that I'm going, it's probably going to be quicker then that. The fact that I was very much alone through it all is helpful.

Hannah! You're going to find assholes everywhere! PM said, pretty much exploding with frustration over tea and organizational structures, hands flying in wide gestures. Yeah, I think to myself, rolling my eyes toward the afternoon glare reflecting on the hotel windows. Except I wasn't thinking about potential colleagues in the private or public sector. And at that moment, my heart sank a little; I thought about what I used to believe in - honesty, respect, openness and grace and wondered if I no longer had the spirit to engage in the same way as I used to. Or if they had been proved ineffectual.

I guess wisdom is the key, and being strategic even with principles of grace and openness. I thank god I haven't hardened or become embittered. Slowly learning I guess with a couple of stumbles on the way, but I'm learnig to just close my eyes and let my little self bounce back up, perhaps over a KTV song or two, or 400. Mostly it's been simply perfect frowning in concentration as PM rants on. This feeling of being safe and of being appreciated, a distant memory resurfacing from the darkness.

Even when I'm feeling crappy, I can still thank God that I'm not back there.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Squirm :: DMB

Open up your head
Open up you primitive
Open up your mouth
Open up your head
Your sweet primitive
Open up your mouth
It's coming out
Open up your head
Scream, you sweet primitive
Tell me what you said

But how, your kiss
Your words, your lips
Not a gun to your head
You're gonna die before you're dead

Not sad, when you're gone
But when your light’s still on
Your dreams wont let you fly
Don't be dead before you die
Hunger, till fed, give love instead
When it gets inside, watch the dead man squirm

Above all things
If kindness is your king
Then heaven will be yours before you reach your end

Dear Seth, this isn't a post with emo lyrics. I'm dancing light. And grinning in that cute red dress.
Today was the day of weird.
  1. E-confusion muddles the morning with tear-threatening anger, a frequent visitor lingering far beyond visiting hours. It is anger in a certain dress, or more like it, straight jacket. It comes with entrapment, pressure, and not sign of an outlet. I do however, as it was so shared, enjoy this flurry of emotion and it's difficult ways. It makes me think, examine my expectations, reason with my reactions and contemplate my past behaviour in similar situations. I want to be fair, consistent, respectful yet not self-abasing. What was it that Dogville taught me? Such grace can equate to arrogance. And yet, in some situations, such arrogance can be apt, in persona, if not in rem. After all, I know what I'm capable of and have seen not so much what he can do, but what he can't. It is simply enough for me to know that I cannot expect the same as I or others give. So unlike Grace, I have no trigger to pull. I believe this is tied in somehow, to the decision I made on Sunday: That I will no longer be angry. Of course, now that I have the framework, the next step is to draw up the action plan.
  2. I ran into PW on the train at Braddel, having not seen her for 9 years. She demanded a hug, and was not afriad to tell me after that that hug was unacceptable in her PW way. She missed my hugs she told me and that which I offered failed her expectations. I smiled wondering how the morning's muddlement had seeped through into my energy and love for others. But it was the first step toward smiling.
  3. I met GMH for lunch, having not seen her for 7 years. I ran into her again sometime late last week outside the Shangri-La. Turns out we're both involved in the APEC SOM meetings. Let's do lunch. Yes, lets. Doing was a wonderful trip to the past and so was bringing the past into the present in concrete forms. It is interesting running into old friends and seeing where they are, and what they've done. Looking into facets of familiar faces that I was then too young to notice, or they were too green then to full reveal. Time nurtures, grows and redeems.
  4. I ran into FC at ION, having not seen her (in person) for 7 years. Media doesn't count. She scrambled past me looking for an elusive washroom. They're upstairs, I told her, before she launched me into a conversation that I thought we'd never have. Are you back? Not really (How did you know I was gone?). How did she even remember me, if I'd barely remember her if not for her face glowing on every magazine? It was a blessing, to be tucked away in a tiny corner of the mall for the larger part of our conversation, we stepped into the greater light of the public and I sensed all eyes on her.
  5. Text messages that create a blanket of safety while we discuss eye candy and tiramisu. He is kor kor. And one with whom I feel safe with.
  6. A phone call. With jokes about demons and invitations to be engaged over the coming weekend. A zone of comfort.
  7. A phone call. With much fluff to think of. Blessed distractions that keep my mind toward the present and the future and that keep my heart full without space for darkness.
  8. I meet with SL and DS for noodles and I walk barefooted from Pervis to Princep to finish the evening in a room full of blues. We talk business and have conjured up a business plan that involves, bibles, bikinis and the internet. We wander into a shop selling wonder, but that failed to conjure up my eager enthusiasm. God, that's like failing to feed a hungry puppy.
  9. I realize my title sounds Dennis-esque.
I made a decision on Sunday to cease this anger. But after today's odd mix of past-present-future, I realise that this decision will make me. Today, I didn't have to decide, I just danced.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I realize that when this river finally flows out into the open sea of the past, all that I would have missed out on is the opportunity to befriend, to know, to love and to give of myself. But it isn't as if such gifts are absent from my daily life anyway and so really, if there is a loss at all, it isn't mine.

In other news, I am glad to be surrounded by all these brains I can PICK.
I am starting to feel that if I applied myself to the things that I need to do now, I might succeed.

Like, getting those student loan and exchange papers in order. Then my taxes.

You wanna make me sick, you wanna lick my wounds, don't you, baby?
You want the badge of honour when you save my hide.
But you're the one in the way of the day of doom, baby, if you need my shame to reclaim your pride.

You feed the beast I have within me.
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run, standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning.
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun.

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists, I never did anything to you, man.
But no matter what I try you'll beat me with your bitter lies.
So call me crazy, hold me down, make me cry; get off now, baby, it wont be long till you'll be lying limp in your own hand.

Limp :: FA

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I enjoy my daily decisions.