Saturday, August 01, 2009

Today is the first or second of August?

A asked, peeling the little eyelets out of the purple and cream parking coupons. "The first..." I thought to myself as I felt a little gasp of relief shudder through my tired little self, pressed against the leather of the car. Safe. Finally, the blessed month is here and I can feel a little safer as the folds of my world are stitched tighter together. The old is gone and the new has come.

And then there is meeting familiar panic that arises from being taught the wrong things over and over again. But I must admit, there is something quite fun in facing your fears and seeing them dissolve in the light of courage. Also, I recognize that I am especially vulnerable when exhausted. In these tired moments, even the quietest songs that seep through my headphones break my heart.

~ The best things grow from the worst disasters, the best things grow when we begin again.
The Pig must keep out of the clutches of the Snake, who will make a complete slave out of her in no time, enmeshing her in his coils to the extent that the poor Pig loses all power of movement.

As I was going up the escalator in Lido, I reminded myself of the decision made long ago to ensure that all relationships I engage in are supportive toward my life goals. I've always sensed that I would do big things. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But at the end of the day, there really isn't a point wasting time on people who have proven unsafe and untrustworthy, anyway. And there are plenty of people out there who are willing and able to love properly.

It's just good to remember these things. :)

Friday, July 31, 2009

H to the CCM

You know what life feels like for me?

I feel like I've had a happy deficeit

And I am now racing to catch up and am over-compensating.

I don't know if that's healthy

Thursday, July 30, 2009

You'd be the ones to heal me.


You're the craziest Singaporean I've met. I mean that in a good way. You're fun.

Truly appreciate all your help. I'd much rather work with one like you than...

You'll go far. Don't let anyone question your goals

One day you will be great whatever you do.

You make me happy just being around you.

I just need to tell you that you have the sweetest and most beautiful smile in the world.

It wasn't my intention to mislead you, it never should have been this way, what can I say? It's true, I did extend the invitation but I never knew how long you'd stay. When you hear temptation call, it's your heart that takes, takes the fall. Won't you come out and play with me?

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning, my head is spinning constantly. How can it be? How could I be so blind to this addiction? If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me. Only emptiness remains, it replaces all, all the pain. Won't you come out and play with me?

Step by step, heart to heart, left, right, left, we all fall down like toy soldiers. Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win but the battle wages on for toy soldier

But the stumper really was: "You must have gone through a lot of hell in your life. How else would you turn out this way? This happy?" Well actually, this is my usual self... But I have felt as if this sense of joy, of appreciation that I've held towards life has deepened within me. I am just trying not to explode with this excitement that I've uncovered about what I want to do with my life, and the people who will build it with me.

I honestly, can't believe how blessed I am, and I will find ways to express my gratitude to all of you.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Letter :: Franz Wright

I am not acquainted with anyone
there, if they spoke to me
I would not know what to do.
But so far nobody has, I know
I certainly wouldn't.
I don't participate, I'm not allowed;
I just listen, and every morning
have a moment of such happiness, I breathe
and breathe until the terror returns. About the time
when they are supposed to greet one another
two people actually look into each other's eyes
and hold hands a moment, but
the church is so big and the few who are there
are seated far apart. So this presents no real problem.
I keep my eyes fixed on the great naked corpse, the vertical
who is said to be love
and who spoke the world
into being, before coming here
to be tortured and executed by it.
I don't know what I am doing there. I do
notice the more I lose touch
with what I previously saw as my life
the more real my spot in the dark winter pew becomes—
it is infinite. What we experience
as space, the sky
that is, the sun, the stars
is intimate and rather small by comparison.
When I step outside the ugliness is so shattering
it has become dear to me, like a retarded
child, precious to me.
If only I could tell someone.
The humiliation I go through
when I think of my past
can only be described as grace.
We are created by being destroyed.
Do they work together to get her?
I find it ironic that today, I had to step out into the smoking balcony to bask in the Singapore sun a little, as I was getting rather chilly in the meeting rooms at the Copthorne Hotel. Yes, we do talk about climate change too. All this while Vancouver is undergoing heat waves and a severe shortage of air-conditioners.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Everybody's free to wear sunscreen

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you.


Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

"Brother and sister together we'll make it through, Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there. I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you and I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can..."

I'm back at a spot where my problems in life are good ones: I can't take this course because it clashes with another! I can't take this exam because I want to go to Israel! I can't go to that Investment Experts Group meeting because I am in the Market Access Group meeting! I can't meet M because I am meeting A!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Close your eyes, so you can't be tempted...

"I wanted to say that I enjoy hanging out with you because I feel safe. It's been a while since I felt that way." "You're welcome..." 8 years, and nothing much has changed.

This morning's affairs brought new harrowed winds as I flew from station to station in the sports hall. "Relax, dear..." one of the volunteers said and laughed when I told her about the source of my distress. Oh boy. My first instinct was to tell myself that I was being unnecessarily dramatic - an unfortunately learned reaction. "So what if you are?" he would later ask over dinner, "It's who you are, and your friends would love and accept you for it." But I knew it already then and let myself go: to be as externally frazzled as I needed to be internally calm. And then a wonderous revalation: When I'm stressed, I laugh. A lot. And I like it.

So I found myself at the ICA booth without the required forms and passport photograph. Where do I get one? Over there, he said, pointing toward the end of the hall. I scout around and was directed toward the central library, forum, to the ends of the earth. "No, there's one right here" he said, pointing to this odd looking machine. It looked like a mental detector, one you'd find in an airport, it had a screen and a camera lense. OF COURSE! I step in and fiddle with the machinery. Insert card here... eye level here... why isn't the screen staying straight... "It isn't on", he said, and proceeded to flick a switch. At that moment, the screen comes to life and read: 36.6 C. I was trying to take a photo in a giant thermometer. I was directed to the photographer 3 feet away to my left.

I leave triumphant, in giggles. Later he tells me about his daughter, and I feel safe again. Calm does carry me through.
Today, she talked about how forgiveness means letting go. It means recognizing that you can't speak to the situation or deal with it anymore. It means laying it down at the alter and walking away. It doesn't mean reconciliation.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

It was great meeting TAC and 老师 again, after 7 years of distance and growth, it is nice to come back into your past and see that really, you've lived your life well.

I love coming home late, dragging my aching feet out of a taxi in the silent hours of the night. The click of my heels toward the gate chasing away the stay cats that sleep restlessly under my front porch. Past the hibiscus, sleeping of course, drooped and quiet as they fold their petals away from the darkness. Then the strong scent of lilies, stronger and older each evening, that greets me at the door as I enter my house.

I'm doing quite fine, thank you very much.