Costly Grace

It's 2.30 in the morning so I will be rather incoherent.

2 months ago Dustin emailed me about "The cost of discipleship". He said that he was very unsatisfied with our lives as christians, that it's not costing us anything. He refered to Luke 9 alot and was very. very. very. troubled by the words of christ.

So today, 5 of us got together for our first study on Bonhoeffer. Thankfully I got the book off Josh (thanks buddy!) before leaving for Canada. To be precise, 12 hours before i left. I almost didn't get it. I think God's trying to say something to me.

I didn't necessarily agree with Dustin on everything. But that's ok, i do believe that we have different roles to play and different paths to walk. But I am very grateful for what he has flagged and what he stands up for. Yes. our lives have to be given up for/to Christ. Yes it should cost us more then we're living now and yes, we have to tell the story, witness and minsiter to. We;re dealing with big big things here baby.

So I take all that, and look at what i hold in my hands. My life, my understanding, my journey and my circumstance. I believe that what i need to do now, is work on my relationship with Christ. I need to be Christ-centered not "I believe this" or 'I believe that' but that "Christ is..".

I need to start spending time with God. Not just because i want to strenthen my spiritual walk, but becuase He has redeemed me, and loves me, and wants my fellowship. It's not a job I have to do, not a concept I need to grapple with, but a person who wants to be with me. I need to fall madly in love.

Then I will be able to love genuinely, preach the gospel with authority, and share His gospel incessantly. You can't fake a life.

Dear God. I always say that I'll start tomorrow. Tomorrow really never comes.
If we knew how much it cost...

I regress.
Back to JC days.

1. Sarah
2. Eli
3. Seth
4. Elim
5. Curtis
6. Dustin
7. Belle
8. Gloria
9. Dennis
10. Shulin
11. Cathy
12. Sue
13. Joshie
14. J.B.
15. Mel
16. Glen
17. Sheena
18. Aruna
19. Aaron
20. Deej.

Is #9 a boy or a girl? a boy. boy.

2. Would #11 and #2 make a cute couple? Oh my god no.

3. How about #18 and #4? Well they're working great together. I think the relationship should stop there.

4. What grade is #17? Mine.

5. When was the last time you talked to #12? Yesterday at Bible study!

6. What is #6's favorite band? Not quite sure... I think counting crows would be up there somewhere

7. Does #1 have any siblings? Yes. Moses.

8. Would you ever date #3? Haha. I did. I wouldn't do it ever, now. But if it were 2004, I think I'd do it all over again.

9. Would you ever date #7? HAHAHAHA. Waddaya say belle? ;)

10. Is #16 single? Yup. And wrongfully so. :)

11. What's #15's last name? Chua. As in C.

12. What's #10's middle name? There's nothing in the middle.

13. What's #5's favorite thing to do? Uh... think, talk and hammer wood.

14. Is #13 hot? Uh... he's my mentor. It would be wrong.

15. Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? Uh.

16. What school does #20 go to? MINE! UBC

17. Tell me a random fact about #11: She's American Canada Filipino Chinese!

18. And #1: She lost her converse shoes at ACF.

19. And #4: She likes my blue slippers

20. Have you ever had a crush on #15? No. We're like family.

21. Where does #9 live? Singapore. Chai Chee. Near the stall with nice Watercress soup.

22. What's #3 favorite color? Blue. He just told me so.

23. Would you makeout with #14? I don't think i exist on this realm at all.

24. Are #5 & #6 best friends? They should be. But I don't think so. The engineering mind doesn't quite..boogey... with the thinking and talking.

25. Does #7 like #2? We're all friends in lala land here.

26. Does #8 like #19? Does #8 KNOW #19?

27. How did you meet #2? I live with him now.

28. How did you meet #18? Over dinner at the Vanier Caf. I lived with her. it was AWESOME.

29. Does #10 have any pets? A niece? me?

30. Is #12 older than you? Yeah. she's my surrogate mum here.

31. Is #17 the sexiest person alive, or what? eh?

Urmp. Enough is enough.

Nothing comes in straight lines, but rather, bleeds past decisions, resolutions and attempts to change what is/once was. The desire to quit to start to break free to become is tainted by the irreconciliable fact that nothing comes in straight lines. And we'll just have to learn to deal with it. or is it just me?

"She writes like a montessori kid."


I have to say Ian, conversations with you are never dull. You're like the jester on the imperial dramatic stage of my life.

So MSN/Call me to talk, whine bitch or just chuckle. any. god. damn. time.

You mean much anyway.

Me: What? Where? Who? How? When?
God: That's for me to know and for you to live out.

---

I'm really starting to slowly see the person of Christ. As opposed to some nebulous idea spawned out of desperation and fear.

He tells me to relax a lot.

Urmp...

Tongue-tied or what? I don't know.
*sigh*

I'm learning to breathe ever so slowly, take things in my stride and not be too personal.
Because, of course, in the grand scheme of things, I don't really matter.

Watchingmedie � an introspective.

On Saturday, November 20, 2004 I started to cry.

Trace the shape of my heart,
Till is becomes more familiar to your eyes.

caught sight of it all. and it just happened.

I�ve been lost without you,
Cold without your love.

Is that a good thing? Maybe.

You often misjudge your abilities
Overrate your level of sensibility
And perhaps end up with a gnawing hollow within.

Rescue me from hanging on this line.
I won�t give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by,
I�ll find you when I think I�m out of time.

Maybe 13 months back, you really thought you lost your religion.
But you actually never did,

As clich� as it sounds, everyone has to have some time to grow, to journey.
Being loud and gregarious was simply a phase in your life
You know who you are. You really do.

Take the place of my heart, till I become a strange to my life
I�ve been down without you, wrong without your live
In time will I be what you�re thinking


There is absolutely noting wrong taking on different personas to suit different characters within the clique.
But it does leave you really stranded
You lose sight of yourself.

Rescue me from hanging on this line.
I won�t give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by
I�ll find you when I think I�m out of time.


Ian. I�m really really proud of who you are today.
I know that you can be quite the brat, and that�s who you are now.
But you are so beautiful.

Often, you show strength in your opinions and beliefs.
Ye you need to stop and listen sometimes but I love who you:

Are.

I�ve been down without you, cold without your love.
In time will I be what your thinking of?

I miss you ian. You were the one that grounded me.
Stepped on me and brought some challenge.

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won�t give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by
I�ll find you when I think I�m out of time.

I�m always here for you.

Jar of Clay � The Eleventh Hour.

ENOUGH ABOUT ME

I realise, that I really just. don't. get. it.