Saturday, September 14, 2002

It still hurts... have to handle being alone again and having a diluted form of "belonging" no matter how much you love them...

I hate being weak and needy... like a parasite... Ugh

But yes none the less there are still the beautifuls to look to.
- the Red Badge of Courage. :)
- the Phone call from Canada which i didn't really recieve. (sorry)
- the 10 min stay at dennis' place... which served nothing more then to save me from myself. That was enough...
- the laughter, no matter how mundane somehow always lifts me anyway...
- My brother and my family... to laugh again...

And many more!
"How do you measure a year in the life?

In daylight in sunsets in midnights and cups of coffee
In inches In miles of the laughter and strife?

How about love? Seasons of love...

In truth that she learned? Or times that he cried?
In bridges he burned or the way that she died?

Remember the Love, measure your life in seasons of love" ~Rent
Cell group was rejuvenating... healing... thank you guys for cradling me and reassuring me...
I guess it's amazing how intangible God is, and how tangible his love is... yes dennis he doesn't hug us but I cannot ignore the love i've received for the past 5 days... From everyone, even if they didn't mean it, it was there... Simple things like driving me home ministered so much to me... thanks Conrad. And andrea, you have such a nack for fusing the cold intellect of philosophy with a human heart. and prissie, for just being so up lifting...

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (like a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Just read your Blog Andrea. It made me cry. Never experienced pain so artfully penned.. I know that there are nights where you wish you'd just dissolve into your pillows and never wake up... but you do anyway. Sometimes you can't differentiate your pain - physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, it's just a big ball that hits you and it chews. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm hurting too... and whatever anyone says or does isn't enough... but i love them for trying... perhaps i fall short in trying to understand your state. I'm different, as human as we ALL are... I fear connecting. Because i fail more often then not... "a joyous shot at how thing ought to be" so i'm not a huge fan of "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" Hint of an iconoclast? :)

i am a "highly unresolved individual" i cannot function properly until i get over my fear of (all kinds of) relationships. maybe then i can have a properly intimate relationship without shutting my other half out... (i hate that irony)

Thanks K.W. for sharing your life and my pain, even if you didn't mean it... thanks Luke for the hug and the concern... i know you know what it's like... remember how it feels. Thanks Doc for the encouragement and strength.

And Dennis. For letting me lean on you, even when I don't want to. For knowing that i'm weak even if i've prided myself to be strong (such an over estimate). For loving me..
It's a day after 911 and I'm rediscovering what we are. The strength of the human spirit is indeed amazing, and so is its tendency to be horridly biased. Perhaps such imperfection would be necessary as a defence mechism from an imperfect world. Human diverisity, spanning from the incredibly empathetic to the horridly nonchalent... really you can turn anything into a tourist attraction... or a memorial... I guess it's all dependent on the individual.

It's the 3rd day from my break. I'm not sure how to define my state of mind. I guess i never really knew my emotional state well enough to live without it giving me nasty surprises. No self-awareness? Ironic that I'm aware enough to acknowlege my lack of it... I'll be over it soon... thanks so much Dennis...

Dennis: "and i qoute from my magizine: It's normal to have those thoughts of "oh shit, what have I done - I need to get back together with her and beg for forgiveness because I had it so good." What we fail to realize though is that 9 times out of 10, there was a legit reason you broke up with her in the first place. If things were as good as you think they were after you broke up, you probably never would have broken up with her in the first place." ... I hope so...

It was just a thought... if deep people were so deep, why can't they understand the mundane? Like a historian would scroff at a scientist for his lack of knowledge of who we are as humans, he wouldn't probably understand what the scientist holds so dear to him either... saying that it doesn't matter doesn't really display an open mind does it?