Saturday, April 09, 2005

I have observed myself under the influence of alcohol. It does get quite scary. And then I wonder what I really am.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Don't give yourself away.

hearts out there on the screen. Blogging is the new fashionable way to cry for help. The freedom of the invidual deems it unnecessary for the reader to respond in any meaningful way. Selfish enterprise this blogging is.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm half as interested in life as I should be. I feel like one of those who "love humanity but hate people". I'm tired, I guess and somewhat blase. I think i'm also tired of the whole God talk. I'm looking forward to senseless existance over summer. I need to get real. I can't just sit around and expound about how wonderful God is how He is everything.

Meh, I wonder sometimes if God rolls his eyes at us HCCs. If I were God, I'd be pretty pissed off. Like, I made you to be a human being, not a christian. At anyrate, I've met some pretty ardent non-christians who were closer to the heart of God then most christians. What does that say?

That I'm a grumbling disgruntled baby at the moment. But apart from all that, I'm going to heck-care on the whole emo-god thing. I want to be real, and i want my relationship with God to be real. Not an emotional crutch.

So I'm not going to try emulating any of these fantasies, or fabricating my gratitude or love, joy, peace. If God is real... well then.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I really don't know Love at all.

Hannah, after you write "The Theology of Love" and "The Politics of Love", you have to write "The Criminology of Love".

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say 'I love you', right out loud.

I think my love sometimes is like a picture. Pretty, but very two-dimensional. I thank God that I broke up with Seth. I've been thinking about him a lot lately, but I sometimes feel, that he deserved more. More honesty, more truth and more... love. But our seperate worlds wouldn't allow for that. Oh well.

I still struggle.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Today, I told Curtis and Dustin what was really going on. It was strange being unable to talk, to have my heart heave up into my mouth and to have the needle tears stab the back of my eyes.

"it's like telling a cow I have a craving for steak."

Oh well. I've gotten over my need to have my head wrapped around my life, I'll just concentrate on making sure that the constumes and props are set up properly backstage. The show is henceforth out of my hands. Thank God.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

I'm starting to realise the weight of my words and my decisions. How they affect and influence real human lives. Living souls. So precious.

So I need to be careful. And the flip side of the same coin, Be sure.
This entails being aware,
This entails consciousness
This entails strength.
This entails taking good care of myself. Spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and phyiscally.
This entails making wise choices.