how do you feel right now?
~Joe. Seth's best buddy, during an MSN conversation that started about sheep. More specifically, the sheep that was on his display picture, which had evaded capture for 30 days, solicitating great respect from Joe.
I replied that I was a little discontent.
only a little?
I'm walking up to broadway from my gym near Kits beach. Walking around Kitsilano, on a warm summer's afternoon. Of all the cities/municipals/precincts in Canada, Kitsilano has got to be the most cushie place to land yourself in. Ostentiously flambouyant in character, unaware in spirit and sheltered in mind, slim built professionals fuss over their MEC winter jackets and Lu Lu Lemon yoga mats while projecting an affected air of perfection. Just the right degree. The houses are drapped in flowers, neighbourhoods sit together compliantly, sipping tea and chatting about art and finance. Hollow laughter jingles in harmony with the bank accounts.
Their wallets overfloweth.
Perhaps it's because I haven't been seriously seeking God lately, or... well it has to be becuase I haven't been seriously seeking God lately but I find that the heavy sense of disapproval I had of such frivolity fade into jealousy. I won't go into details here. Quite unnecessary.
But here's where the honesty kicks in. In the midst of all this lusting and wanton desire, I find myself scratching quite disgustingly at my new found job at the Taco place. I never expected myself to be working at a fast food resturant, I never wanted to but I believe that my word is being put to the test. After working at the Law firm, I left disillusioned, with a good deal less respect for high-ranking professionals. My new mantra was this:
Only when no job is beneath you, then will there be no job above you.
Easier said then done. So I'm a little discontent because I don't want to be working at Taco Del Mar when the rest of the people around me are driving internships in Khattar Wong and the like. Hell what am I doing with my life? How will I ever earn enough to upkeep a Kitsilano life...
and you know where this leads to: Utter nothingness.
I am ashamed of my attitude, and above that, more surprised that I had managed to keep it hidden from myself for so long. What with all that talk of 'maybe I should work as a cleaner to really learn that...' and 'we have to know what's for us and what isn't, I'm not drawn to IRSA becuase I don't think that that's where God...'.
I'm not saying that I won't try and strive for the best, but I want to do so not for myself. And maybe the reason why I'm not striving for the best is because I fear failure. But at the heart of it, I want to strongly believe in the calling of Christ and the readiness of the spirit to give all. All.
All so false. I am a liar, I am a fraud. Here is where my biggest brokenness lies.
"If a drunkard signs the pledge, or a rich man gives all his money away, they are both of them freeing themselves from their slavery to alcohol or riches, but not from their bondage to themselves. They are still moving in their own little orbit, perhaps even more then they were before."
It took me a long time to decide to post this.
Here's the start of vulnerability.
I'm off to do the dishes and clean the washrooms.