Saturday, August 22, 2009


Riding early in the morning, with friends, music, and beer. Remembering the healing taste of salt and the twinkle of the sun on the sea.

Back in my element.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

When your biggest problem in life is finding time to swim and fixing the spam problem on MSN, you know your life is pretty damn sweet.

On a not-so-separate note, I found this particularly hilarious

"You know what really helps an existential crisis? Wondering how much shelf space to leave for a Terry Pratchett collection."

Not-so-separate in ways I can't quite articulate!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Chat me up will ya?

Martin: Yeah, cool that you got a scholarship, now you can eat ALL the time. Not just every 2 hours

Vienna and Montreal is calling me!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It was a delightful moment to realize that I can read about their joy and be happy and tender. And then I wanted to say that it probably was the same, but so many other things matter that really, you can't fight your battles on the faith of one element alone. Trust that there are others, and the grace of God, to battle them with you.

Feeling at night is like walking through a dark forest.
We talked a little about being extreme and walking fine lines, about trading one for another, dichotomies and the failure of reality to conform! Maybe it's my fault for trying to relate everything to my life, as if the incidents that wash over me are the sum of all existence, but I just don't quite understand. That's ok right?

I got excited when A talked about the schism between thought and action. Falls in very neatly with the themes of technicality, creation and appropriate expression that I have been dwelling on of late, the transformation of a thought into an action. But is the solution really compromise instead of conviction? Perhaps conviction incorporates balance and compromise as a tool instead of master. Balance, compromise and fine lines speak not to what is good (as definition) but rather they point to how to be good (as means). And while actions speak louder then words., the same action might could say any number of things depending on your choice of tools and how you use these tools.

It's just that some situations have no fine lines for you to walk on and you must land on one side or the other. Maybe one day I'll shake off dust from the fallout fully and I won't be consumed with the fingerprints left behind. But for now here's what I've ended up with: It's not about fine lines so much as it is simply knowing where you stand, and working your way there, with full consideration for all parties involved. Because relationships and people really are the only things that matter. And because they alone matter, they deserve goodness, in all its forms. Part of this journey also means having the flexibility (ie grace) to develop and transform with time, space and experience.

So choose wisely and walk with conviction, because it's all I have, or at least, it shields me from the glare of my failings. I have lost some fortitude, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Alright, you got me... but I still have spark in me yet.

Monday, August 17, 2009

It must be the 2 cups of teh peng but I've been bouncing off the walls all day.

Walking down the hill in the darkness, I observed how the spots in the pavement were made by the countless tiny leaves that had fallen uncontrollably upon the wet cement. So pretty. I knew what tree it was by looking at the cement below, and I felt like I was in some sort of Plato's cave since after a day of running around, reading and class, I was too tired to look up and was content instead to observe the pavement.
Walking up the hill before classes, I thought about the idea of holiness and love as presented by CS Lewis in "Till We Have Faces". The idea of holiness as dark and horrible and love as dangerous, deadly and consuming. Can't have it both ways now can we? Of course, this was all enhanced by Sufjan Steven's Seven Swans.

He will take you. If you run,
He will chase you.
He will take you. If you run,
He will chase you
'cause He is the Lord.

In other news, I am absolutely stoked about school. About learning new things, about being challenged and stretched and taught and pushed to greater heights. It's going to be good, I can feel it in my bones. And I am going love, rabidly.
The song, not the video.

Tiredness always weakens me beyond what is reasonable. Fears, guilt and insecurity come creeping in. I can't listen to Beautiful Child right now and will wait till the morning to reorganize my thought drawer. "It's not about being fair, it's about being compassionate." Where does one stop and the other begin?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I just deleted my tracker so I wouldn't feel inclined to write to any specific audience. I am serious about moving on and letting go completely. Good bye, forever.
Again, there is a time for everything, no?

I have to say I am a little disappointed in myself, in how I've conducted myself in this time. I guess even while I rage, I ought not to stoop. It is tempting I guess but it is only detrimental to me. Ok, I've worked this out step by step and here's the next. To stop blogging about this at all.

The problem with arguing with an 11-year-old is that you never win, and you start to sound like one yourself.
Ok. I get that I'm walking in circles that don't exist. Thanks.