When I am afraid and shy about myself, with others. I know there's something wrong. We weren't meant to be this way. Can we just love? Please?

I go home to Singapore to reconstitute myself.

"You need to work on your catch and release policy, Hannah"
~ Mellow.

I'm running away!

So what do I do with a truth that has finally hatched? When thoughts are birthed into reality, in the hands of another? It's ok. I'll wrestle it out.

Cause = Time

You come in, check my time
You've got fornication crimes
I've seen your hope on television
Where you've been, you were not were
They've got tricycles in skirts
This is a mouth that needs religion

And they all want to love the cause
'Cause they all need to be the cause
They all want to fuck the cause

So take me down, down through this
Kill the common law that missed
This is the blood I love to share

Little pistols and companion halls
Desperation tentacles
I've been alone since '89

We've got a menstruating disguise
Then know three completes the five
This is a church that should believe

And they all want to free the cause
'Cause they all need to dream a cause
They all need to be a cause

You've got all and it's
Pretty good, but I
Seem to be in disbelief

You come in, check my time
You've got fornication crimes
I've seen your death on television
Cue immortal child like times
Separation is divine
Here is a strike beneath your knees

And they all want to love the cause
'Cause they all need to be the cause
They all want to fuck the cause

Take me down, down through this
Kill the white within the bliss
Here is a waiting room
That wants to save your life

And they all want to love the cause
They all need to be the cause
They all want to dream a cause
They all need to fuck the cause

~ Broken Social Scene

I have this irrational itch to express some form of identity or meaning. I feel like this itch is just half way up my back and I can't reach it. Maybe I need someone to scratch this for me. Or, I could jump on some analytical tool/theory/truth and use that as a back-scratcher.

Wait this analogy doesn't really work because I am flexible enough to reach around every part of my back.

But anyway. I leave at midnight and through out my journey into the crisp silent night, I find my eyes drawn to my feet. As if a heavy burden rested above my brows. White on black and pink on white, I watch my steps and forget to look into your eyes and at my hands. I am fascinated by the interplay between the bright shoe-shape and the stark grey grids, I forget to look into your eyes and at my hands.

I reach the busloop at 12.38, only to discover that the next bus was leaving at 1.01. Dammit. So I sit down on the concrete roadblocks in front of the idle number 17 and stare at UBC's uninspiring buildings. She tells me again that I never get gritty on myself, as she did 6 years before.

So I peel away Radiohead from my ears and sit. I sit. I walk into myself and start to look around - what is this? And then Volley-ball boy walks right out of A&F land and strikes up a conversation. I never turn people away.

But I do need silence.

So young and so untender?
So young my lord, and true.

King Lear ~ W. Shakespeare

Almost an experiment

Where a fiery block of coal sits burning on table for too long, all that's left is an immense sense of loss.

*deer in headlights*
But these headlights don't hurt.

Warmed with wine, I am content to sit at my cozy carrel, listening to mellow music and pondering upon the laws of evidence. It seems so idle, when I could really be saving the world, loving one heart at a time.

You tell me I'm foolish. I smile and hold your hand - I know.

You do know that I care right?

Yeah, we really only accept the love we think we deserve.

And it's not that you deserve someone better. You deserve a better me.

This is why I love the boyfriend. In the midst of our communication and distance issues, he proposes we write each other poems.

So much to say, but nothing to say it with.