Thursday, March 01, 2007

It might be the sun coupled with a gorgeous Chai Latte in the regent atrium reading a pleasent story for one of my classes. This is THE life. The one I've been looking for. I think to myself as the comforting rays bounce off my table, refuge from the frost outside. It would be -8 later tonight. Insane! But whatever it was, it made me feel a sense of peace. That for the first time in my life, I felt... almost sure. Actually, I felt perfectly sure. Sure of what? I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do for grad school, I don't know what I'm doing in the summer. Hell, I don't even know what part time job I am capable of handling well.

So I guess being sure wouldn't be an accurate description of that very empowering state of being I found myself in today. Whatever it was, and whatever its cause, I'm glad for it. Tracing my way across Buchanan to HIST 403 today - late -, it dawned on me that I have acomplished what I wanted to have acomplished by this point. I've gotten the education that I wanted. I did not shrink back in struggling to get my Grandmother's story going. But the most pleasing thing about that moment, was the recognition that I had become what I wanted to be. I had told myself, before leaving for Singapore last year that by the time I get back, I would have grown. I would be confident in communiating with people, in bringing my identity across clearly, in just being. And it has come to be.

To date, I've been through at least 15 interviews for a part time job, along with a three hour test determining my ability at MS word (Come on! I am a student! I know that programme like an intimate lover!). Nothing. But still, I found myself quite sure of my capabilities, and found no reason to doubt myself. It did help that I have been getting acceptance letters from universities and that my interviews have been very encouraging. But even the monumental 'B' grade on my essay proposal on the Nuclear Bomb that I got today scantly moved me.

I was very sure, that it was all going to be alright. I was a capable person, going places and being alive. I have people who love me and a God who is everything. Why worry? Later, I received a job offer (which I accepted) and an A grade for my term paper on Chinese Religion. Not that these really matter. But what was really encouraging was biblestudy today. In the midst of Curt0 expounding on something, a realization of my personhood came creeping over me again. I am here, I have a life in front of me, I make things move and take responsibility.

Ahh... these days at UBC, when I was birthed. I thank god for everything. For the navs whom I found by chance at a booth near vanier. It was meant to be. :)

I don't like hanging out there. Everyone is just so.... Christian.
Haha yeah! That's the word I was thinking of to!

Oh Curt, what a journey.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I have been spending too much time looking for a job in this stupid city. I thank god steph was on the bus on the way home to make me feel a little happier. Oh well.

I look back and I think that no one is blameless, except for the very center of the storm. Who is, in effect, the cause of it all. Dark situations bring out the blackness in the human spirit.

I'm hungry and craving for... ginger?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

"[During the Soviet Union's first nuclear test, two tanks were procured from the army for the purposes of analysing fallout effects.] A.I Burnazian... wanted to remove the turrets and add lead shielding to give the crews greater protection, but the military protested that this would destroy the shilhouette of the tanks. Kurchatov overruled the military, declaring that an atomic test was not a dog show, and that tanks were not poodles to be judged by their appearance and posture"

P 214. Holloway, David. Stalin and the bomb. New Haven: Yale University press (1994).

Monday, February 26, 2007

I do not understand how Christians can read The Cost of Discipleship and not sell all they own and live with the poor. I am so scared of my perceived calling sometimes.

That's it, no good, no evil. Just follow.
(and not YBHs either)

Harris, who wrote The End of Faith, said that religious moderates are just fundamentalists who have failed. Quite true. So what am I? And what am I to be?

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Thank you. It is a wonderous thing, being loved. And the knowledge of being precious and sought after, to be considered dear and beautiful, to share life with, is astounding.

There is deep peace here.